Inflate

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inflation_(disambiguation)

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/inflate

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/inflate

http://www.balloonhq.com/faq/inflating.html

JOkes

Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."


Rohit and the Truth

Once there was a little boy called Rohit who lived in the country.

They had to use an outhouse, and Rohit hated it because it was hot in
the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the river.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Rohit decided
today was the day to push the outhouse into the river. So he
got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the river and floated away.
That night his dad Kanjibhai told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
Kanjibhai replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the river today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"
Rohit answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that Gandhi's chopped down a Pipal tree and
didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "well, son, Gandhi's father wasn't in that Pipal

tree!"

In an elevator...

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Courtesy of :source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Schizophrenic

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

http://www.schizophrenic.com/

http://onemansblog.com/2007/06/13/what-its-really-like-to-be-schizophrenic/

http://www.schizophrenia.ca/

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/04/schizoillusion/

http://www.blogthings.com/areyouaparanoidschizophrenicquiz/

JOkes

Did you hear about the panto that was held in aid of the Schizophrenia Association? It descended into chaos when someone shouted "He's behind you!"

schizophrenics are on the roof of a building in a town in a middle of the night with an electric torch. The other points the light beam to the roof of another building and says: "Could you now walk on the light beam to the other building?"

"Of course I could...but I am afraid you turn the light off when I am in the middle!"

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.

A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.

The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

Courtesy of: http://www.workjoke.com,http://strawberryfondant.blogspot.com,andhttp://www.bouldertherapist.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mistake

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mistake

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mistake_(contract_law)

JOkes

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Bad Mistake

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,' Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Profitable Mistake

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

The Guardian Angel Mistake

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.com,http://www.funnyhub.com,andhttp://www.jokesgallery.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Plenty

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Plenty of Jokes.

One cannot have to much of one thing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plenty

JOkes

Ya’ never know . . .

My sister tells me that having sex with a new partner is like a snowstorm. You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.

Give it a try . . .

A man and his wife went to a fancy restaurant to have dinner. When they arrived they told the maitre d’ that they would like to have a table for two.

“I see,” he repied, “do you have reservations?”
“Yes, we do,” the man answered, “but we are going to eat here anyway.”

What do women . . .

. . . have in common with ceramic tile floors?

(If you lay them right, you can walk on them for life.)

Who’s who, anyway?

There was a wedding at the local nudist colony. There may have been some difficulty distinguishing the bride and groom but everyone could see who was the best man.

Getting together . . .

After they were married, a young man and a young bride we preparing to leave for their honeymoon.  They were so excited, they could hardly wait to go upstairs and get their things together.

Too much . . .

A man died and – having been good all his life – he went to Heaven. To his surprise, there was only himself and George Washington there. He walked around for several days; frankly, bored to tears.

Then one day, he asked God: “How about the people who went ‘you-know-where’? How are they doing?”
God replied: “Well, let’s take a look.” He waved his arms and, in a moment, the clouds parted. The man looked down and he could see all the people in ‘hell’. There was a big band playing and people were dancing. Some were gambling and so on. They seemed to be having great fun.
The man (fearing of offending God) asked timidly: “Do you think we could at least have a little music?”

God replied: “Sorry . . . I can’t book a big band like that for just two people.”

Your fondest wish . . .

A woman’s husband of 20 years passed away. She had his remains cremated and, some time after it was all over, she dumped his ashes on the dining table and spoke to him: “Honey, I used your insurance benefits to pay off the house. Now I own it free and clear.

“And I used your insurance money to buy myself a new car.
“And, with the money I had left, I got myself a handsome, studly young boy friend.

“Oh . . . and one more thing, Honey. Remember that blow job you always wanted?” She took a deep breath and blew his ashes off the table.

 

 Courtesy of: http://jokesforall.wordpress.com/

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Miracle

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracle

JOkes

A Miracle

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor." It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!""I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Another miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother andsays, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant -about 4 months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been leftalone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there somethingwrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anythinglike this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men cameover the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Medical Miracle

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months
together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're
going to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She
walked
down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a
rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's

calling please?."

Courtesy of http://jokes.contentavailable.com and http://bepop.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Relationship

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_relationship

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_relationship

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships

http://waterloo.mylaurier.ca/development/info/Relationships.htm

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Healthy-Relationship

http://www.peelregion.ca/health/sexuality/relations/rel-unhealthy.htm

http://www.lovingyou.com/

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/healthy_relationship.html

Jokes

My Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.

Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

 "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not." Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,

brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"

I'll do anything you want.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.


Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

Honey Do's
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds-- What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that - Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard-- It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? - Scratch two.


3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners-- Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three.


This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on Web surfing for awhile.


4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet-- Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. - Scratch four.


5). Mop kitchen floor-- The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me - Scratch five.

Good dogie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.


6). Find something fun for the kids to do-- That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun - Scratch six.


This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for Web surfing.


7). Vacuum the carpets-- That's a hard one-- "Hey kids, wanna have some more FUN?" - Scratch seven.


8). Feed kids lunch-- Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go too ? YESSSS - Scratch eight !!!!!!


9). Clean out hallway closet-- Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed - Scratch nine.


Boy O Boy am I good! Lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa - no lunch dishes !!!


10). Do laundry-- no problem I can do that while I'm on the Web - Scratch ten.


11). Fold laundry-- (dang, can't do that while I'm on the computer) Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. - Scratch eleven.


12) Put the laundry away-- Baskets in bedrooms work for me - Scratch twelve.


This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???


13). Water the Christmas tree-- Ooops! good thing the carpet is absorbent - Scratch thirteen.


14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper-- These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth-- Scratch fourteen.


15). Pick up the kids -- Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back - Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who's in the Chat Room. Awww, I have plenty of time.


16). Make dinner-- Easy, "Hello. Do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow" - Scratch sixteen.


17). Clean out the dog house-- duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done - Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Still time for some Web surfing & a nap-- Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick !

Why nagging does not work...
What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Courtesy of www.coolfunnyjokes.comwww.michaelclark.name
Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Quick Question

Copyright Lucy Dumonde 2011.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=quick%20question

http://www.un.org/cyberschoolbus/quick/index.asp

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Question

http://www.question.com/

http://www.ask.com/

JOkes

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:

"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,

"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

Why don't aliens eat clowns.

Because they taste funny.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

He was charged with battery.

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What do diapers and Politicians have in common?

They both need changing regularly - for exactly the same reason.

What is the definition of the early evening news? 

 It starts with the words "Good evening" then spends the next half an hour tellling you why it isn't one.

What is the best definition of a mixed emotion? 

Watching the mother-in-law reverse off a cliff driving your brand new car.

What happened to the man who lost his left arm, left leg and eye in an accident?

 It was touch and go but he is all right now.

Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn't a single person there.

What was the reason for the confused looking woman staring at the can of frozen

Apple juice for twenty minutes?

Because it said Concentrate on the side of the can.

What would you have if you had four peaches and three pears in one hand with four pears and three peaches in the other? 
 Incredibly large hands.

Courtesy of http:the jokeyard andhttp://jilljuck.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Snore

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snoring

http://www.helpguide.org/life/snoring.htm

http://www.medicinenet.com/snoring/article.htm

JOkes

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched ME all night long."

Snoring problem

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.


'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it

carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work
on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it

also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very
confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red

ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God...

We took First and Second place!'

How to sleep with someone who snores!

By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Chuck came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Chuck. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"

Chuck explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,

"Goodnight, Beautiful,"

and he sat up all night watching me

Courtesy of ebaumsworld.com,miteshasher.blogspot.com,and www.superlaugh.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Alphabet

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alphabet

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_the_alphabet

http://www.learningplanet.com/act/fl/aact/index.asp

http://www.ngfl-cymru.org.uk/vtc/ngfl/ngfl-flash/alphabet-eng/alphabet.htm

http://www.canadafreepress.com/2005/bedford123005.htm

http://www.alphabet.com/

http://www.utexas.edu/world/univ/alpha/

http://www.playkidsgames.com/alphabetGames.htm

JOkes

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove unattended, it could spell disaster.

Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!

(Only one vowel left, or is that "Anly ana vawal laft" This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!
And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.

And of course, Y not.

We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in September

TWA just took off!!

Little Johhny alphabet joke.

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.


His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."

A's for arthritis,

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Courtesy of:

http://www.ahajokes.com

http://www.lotsofjokes.com
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080229194718AAi2jU9

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Self-confidence

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. W.C. Fields  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-confidence

http://www.psychology4all.com/SelfConf.htm

http://www.thechangeblog.com/self-confidence/

http://www.selfconfidence.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2qHu_1VDEw

http://www.positive-thinking-for-you.com/self-confidence-checklist.html

JOke

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. 

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Courtesy of http://www.owensworld.com

Dentist

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dentist

http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos072.htm

http://www.cda-adc.ca/

JOkes

One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work. The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?" The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life." The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller" The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare." The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller." The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth." The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?" The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life" The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?" The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.

A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someones' mouth. He said, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

What do you call a depressed dentist?

A little down in the mouth.

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, caries! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist.

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

An elderly patient went to have her teeth checked.

"Mrs. Hopgood, your teeth are good for the next 50 years." the dentist beamed.
To which she replied, "What will they do without me?"

Actual Names of Practicing Dentists

Dr.Pullman, Dr.Filler, Dr.Fear, Dr.Rensch (pronounced wrench), Dr.Pick, Dr.Tusk, Dr. Drewel (pronounced "drool"),

Dr.Tucek (2thChk), Dr.Chu, Dr.Shugar, Dr.Pic, Dr.Pang, Dr.Butcher, Dr.Harm, Dr.Hurter, Dr.Toothaker, Dr.Lynch,
Dr.Root, Dr.Nasti, Dr.Paine/Payne/Pain (15 entries but notably Dr.Daryl B Payne = "There Will Be Pain"),
Dr.Smiley, Dr.Schotz, Dr.Hale (pronounced "hell" in southern), Dr.Bliss, Dr.Lancit, Dr.Gager, Dr. Eke

When a new dentist set up in a small town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of "Painless" dentist.

But a local lad quickly disputed this. "He's a fake ! " he told his mates. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his
finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else."

What did the dentist say to the computer?...This won't hurt a byte.

 

What does the dentist of the year get?…A little plaque.

I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy”s tooth. “Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!” “Yes,” replied the dentist, “but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office.”

What did the dentist say to the golfer? “You have a hole in one. ”

What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?…Fill me in when you get back.

Open wider. requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. “Good God !” he said startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.” “OK Doc !” replied the patient. “I m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.” “I didn’t !” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious … Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that … there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

 Did you get your money? ask the wife of the dentist who had just return from the delinquent patient’s home. “Not a cent,” growled the dentist, “and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!”

Courtesy of http://www.funs.co.uk,http://www.dentalindia.com,and http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)