Spring

                               Copyright 2017 Lucy Drumonde
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_(season)
https://www.reference.com/science/month-spring-start-521a84d71c4ac966
http://www.almanac.com/content/first-day-seasons-2017
http://www.metoffice.gov.uk/learning/learn-about-the-weather/how-weather-works/when-does-spring-start
https://days.to/until/spring


Jokes
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Spring Fever 
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 

What flowers grow on faces? 
Tulips (Two-lips)! 

Why are trees very forgiving? 
Because in the Fall they "Let It Go" and in the Spring they "turn over a new leaf". 

Why is the letter A like a flower?
 A bee (B) comes after it! 

When do people start using their trampoline? 
Spring-Time 

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
 A hot cross bunny 

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf.

 What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
Lily! 

What does the Easter Bunny order at a Chinese Restaurant? 
Hop Suey! 
When do monkeys fall from the sky? 
During Ape-ril showers! 

Can February March? 
No, but April May! 

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March! 

What season is it when you are on a trampoline? 
Spring-time! 





















Courtesy of:http://www.funology.com/seasonal-jokes
http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/weatherjokes/springjokes.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Truth

                                    Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truth
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/truth
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/truth

Jokes

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug." 

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

The Aging Process...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5.

A Fine Bunch...

Can you imagine working at this outfit. It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
• 3 have been arrested for assault
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
• In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Yes, you guessed it. It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

The Historical Orgin of the Middle Finger Gesture...

Note: Steven Ward of Brunel University, London, wrote me to say that "The Historical Origin of the Middle Finger Gesture (MFG) is a bit muddled, you need the middle finger and index finger to fire a bow, the MFG is known in the UK, but we use the victory sign made popular by Churchill reversed, in a similar way." It struck me in response that the French might well consider it sufficient to remove just the middle finger. But what is really needed here is the time machine historian with a video camera to nail down the story.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".









Courtesy of:  http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/wholetruthjoke.html
http://people.bu.edu/wwildman/WeirdWildWeb/jokes_truth.htm#A%20Fine%20Bunch

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Stupid

                                  Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017


http://www.dictionary.com/browse/stupid
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stupid
https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/stupid
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/stupid
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=stupid
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stupidity
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/stupid


Jokes

What did one wall say to the other wall? 
 I’ll meet you at the corner.

 Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? 
 They both depend on the batter.

Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? 
Because he wanted to work over-time!
How did the farmer mend his pants? 
 With cabbage patches!

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 
He wanted cold hard cash!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
Frostbite.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? 
 Because he had no-body to go with. 
I am really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.

Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
Cause they are two tired.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got six months.

I was wondering why the frisbee eating bigger?
Then it hit me.

What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Whats blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

What is grey and can't fly?
A parking lot.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was registered as a six offender.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun/
A roamin Catholic.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 
" Why the long face? "

The horse replies
'' Mt alcoholism is destroying my family."

Courtesy of:
 http://buzzsouthafrica.com/funny-stupid-jokes/
http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/
http://www.dumb.com/jokes/funny_jokes
http://distractify.com/humor/2015/08/27/amazing-jokes-1197926903
Google.com

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Delustional

                                               

 Copyright 2017     

    

                  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusion
                  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/delusional
                  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/delusion

                  https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/delusion

                  https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/delusional       

 https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-do-i-find-a-therapist-near-me/ 

                                                        Jokes

“No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities..” 
― Christian Nestell Bovee

  A Deep Rooted Delusion

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"

  Suffering From A Delusion

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

“All Mad"

'He is mad as a hare, poor fellow,
And should be in chains,' you say,
I haven't a doubt of your statement,
But who isn't mad, I pray?
Why, the world is a great asylum,
And the people are all insane,
Gone daft with pleasure or folly,
Or crazed with passion and pain.

The infant who shrieks at a shadow,
The child with his Santa Claus faith,
The woman who worships Dame Fashion,
Each man with his notions of death,
The miser who hoards up his earnings,
The spendthrift who wastes them too soon,
The scholar grown blind in his delving,
The lover who stares at the moon.

The poet who thinks life a paean,
The cynic who thinks it a fraud,
The youth who goes seeking for pleasure,
The preacher who dares talk of God,
All priests with their creeds and their croaking,
All doubters who dare to deny,
The gay who find aught to wake laughter,
The sad who find aught worth a sigh,
Whoever is downcast or solemn,
Whoever is gleeful and gay,
Are only the dupes of delusions—
We are all of us—all of us mad.”
― Ella Wheeler Wilcox


A bloke finishes fucking his blow up doll, rolls over and says was that as good for you as it was for me?

“There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.”  Dan Greenberg

They named a medical syndrome after me called the Generation X triad: substance ingestion, amnesia & priapism.

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”  ― Rodney Dangerfield

Courtesy of: 
                  http://www.jokebuddha.com/Delusion#ixzz4Xz2J1Bwy
             http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/delusions
                       https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pvz9/what_is_the_definition_of_delusional/
                       https://traumadissociation.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/mental-health-humor/

Mental Health

                                 Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017

                                                   

                            wikipeda mental health 

                            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatry 

                            http://www.ccohs.ca/healthyminds/

                            https://helixhealthcaregroup.com/mental-health/

                            http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/

                            http://ontario.cmha.ca

                            

Seeking a health professional for better mental health.

Seeking a health professional is not the easiest thing to do.

It takes courage to seek out and ask for help.

there are many options in which a person may take.

One can seek a Psychiatrist, therapist or counselling that is financially reasonable.

The choice is yours whichever is more comfortable.

It is always best to try and keep options open.

There is online therapy, dialectical, cognitive behavior therapy, clinical psychologists, counsellors.

Choosing online therapy is also anonymous and can be useful in the presence and safety in your own home.

All clinicians must adhere to strict codes of confidentiality.

Give online therapy a try in the privacy of your own home. Having an online Psychiatrist, clinical psychologists, counsellor or therapist can improve the quality of one’s own mental health.

Lucy Drumonde

                                                 Jokes 

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

George Carlin

“1 in 5 people have dandruff. 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem. I’ve had both. ”

Ruby Wax

Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm 
going 
crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have. 
How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either, 
because I planted cabbage !

Patient: Why did you 
charge me a 
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”

Courtesy of: :https://traumadissociation.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/mental-health-humor/
 http://jokes.skem9.co.uk/cat/Mental-health-jokes/
http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/one_liner_jokes/mental_health_helpline

Trumped

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump

ttps://twitter.com/search/donald+trump

Jokes

Can I tell you a joke about the wall?

 Never mind you won't get over it. 

Why does Donald Trump pick his nose?

 Because he's the boogeyman. 

Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

 Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all. 

What do you call it, when a brainless creature takes over the world? 

The Trump-ocalypse. 

What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about?
All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts

Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?
Because E.T. eventually went home! 

What does Donald Trump’s wife call it when he takes viagra?
A rigged erection

What’s 18 inches long and hangs in front of an assh*le?
Donald Trump’s tie

What do a thong and Donald Trump’s toupee have in common?

 They both barely cover an assh*le

“What, a suicide bomber? ” I asked.

“No, a surface to hair missile.”

How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

Courtesy of:
http://www.amazingjokes.com/jokes/2009-05-10_two-choices.html
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Jokes-And-Riddles/1891753

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-sports/1z59dj/two-prisoners--two-http://www.jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/donaldtrumpjokes.html
http://www.quickfunnyjokes.com/trump.html
http://laffgaff.com/donald-trump-jokes/