Mental Health

                                 Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017

                                                   

                            wikipeda mental health 

                            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatry 

                            http://www.ccohs.ca/healthyminds/

                            https://helixhealthcaregroup.com/mental-health/

                            http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/

                            http://ontario.cmha.ca

                            

Seeking a health professional for better mental health.

Seeking a health professional is not the easiest thing to do.

It takes courage to seek out and ask for help.

there are many options in which a person may take.

One can seek a Psychiatrist, therapist or counselling that is financially reasonable.

The choice is yours whichever is more comfortable.

It is always best to try and keep options open.

There is online therapy, dialectical, cognitive behavior therapy, clinical psychologists, counsellors.

Choosing online therapy is also anonymous and can be useful in the presence and safety in your own home.

All clinicians must adhere to strict codes of confidentiality.

Give online therapy a try in the privacy of your own home. Having an online Psychiatrist, clinical psychologists, counsellor or therapist can improve the quality of one’s own mental health.

Lucy Drumonde

                                                 Jokes 

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

George Carlin

“1 in 5 people have dandruff. 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem. I’ve had both. ”

Ruby Wax

Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm 
going 
crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have. 
How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either, 
because I planted cabbage !

Patient: Why did you 
charge me a 
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”

Courtesy of: :https://traumadissociation.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/mental-health-humor/
 http://jokes.skem9.co.uk/cat/Mental-health-jokes/
http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/one_liner_jokes/mental_health_helpline

Temperature

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

So how hot can it be

when one can be just as cold as can be

Lets see

what is to be

only one can see

as make believe

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperature
http://www.onlineconversion.com/temperature.htm
http://www.temperatureworld.com
http://eo.ucar.edu/skymath/tmp2.html
http://www.convert-me.com/en/convert/temperature


JOkes

 HOW HOT IS IT? - ODE TO TEXAS

  The devil wanted a place on earth
  Sort of a summer home
  A place to spend his vacation
  Whenever he wanted to roam.

  So he picked out Texas
  A place both wretched and rough
  Where the climate was to his liking
  And the cowboys hardened and tough.

  He dried up the streams in the canyons
  And ordered no rain to fall
  He dried up the lakes in the valleys
  Then baked and scorched it all.

  Then over his barren country
  He transplanted shrubs from hell.
  The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
  The climate suited them well.

  Now the home was much to his liking
  But animal life, he had none.
  So he created crawling creatures
  That all mankind would shun.

  First he made the rattlesnake
  With it's forked poisonous tongue.
  Taught it to strike and rattle
  And how to swallow it's young.

  Then he made scorpions and lizards
  And the ugly old horned toad.
  He placed spiders of every description
  Under rocks by the side of the road.

  Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
  Hotter and hotter still.
  Until even the cactus wilted
  And the old horned lizard took ill.

  Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
  As any creator would
  He chuckled a little up his sleeve
  And admitted that it was good.

  'Twas summer now and Satan lay
  By a prickly pear to rest.
  The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
  So he took off his coat and vest.

  "By Golly," he finally panted,
  "I did my job too well,
  I'm going back to where I came from,
  Texas is hotter than Hell.

HEAT WAVES CAUSES RANCHERS TO SELL BARBECUE DIRECTLY FROM THE FIELD
 Ranchers in southern states hit be sweltering heat are selling 
fully cooked barbecue right from the livestock.
  "We let the customer choose the cattle and then we hose it down 
with sauce and send it out into the fields.  Within twenty minutes 
the barbecue is piping hot and ready to eat," said a Texas rancher.
  Barbecue restaurants are crying foul over the direct sales of the
product to the public.
  "This damn heat wave is killing the cattle and our business.  We 
can't compete with the lower overhead of the rancher when we provide 
our customers with a table, chairs and fan as well as swat flies," 
said waitress Flo Moore of the "Greasy Fat Dripping Spoon" restaurant
in Amarillo.
  The heat has also changed business for farmers who are using their 
former crop fields as giant baking pans for brownies. 
  "It's the only way I can put my land and this hellish heat to any
use so I'm baking white chocolate, espresso brownies with macadamia
nuts for those rip-off coffee houses, said a farmer in Oklahoma.
Temperature A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He  was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway." 

Courtesy of:http://www.yuksrus.com/weather_hottemp.html

http://www.jokes4us.com/winnersjokes/temperaturejoke.html
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mosquito

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mosquito

http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/zoology/insects-arachnids/mosquito.htm

http://insected.arizona.edu/skeeterinfo.htm

http://www.mosquito.org

http://www.torontosun.com/2012/07/03/west-nile-virus-detected-in-toronto-mosquitoes

As we are in a new month that means July we are in summer season.

With all the gazzilion blogs out there,i hope i could spread my two cents ... I am sure with spreading a few more good coins with a few jokes.

That also means our friends the mosquitos are here to visit us.

Would it be fair to say, to slap your friend if they had a mosquito on them without knowing.

O R slapping them just to rescue from a mosquito bite?

With the West Nile virus upon us,who knows?

Fear can be rearing its ugly hand.

Enjoy your summer.

JOkes

How do you know if you have a tough mosquito?
You slap him and he slaps you back!

What is the most religious insect?
A mosque-ito!

What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code?
A morese-quito!

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Try sewing buttons on a mosquito!

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?
The Masked-quito!

What has antlers and sucks blood?
A moose-quito!

What is a mosquito's favourite sport?
Skin-diving!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A mosquito drops off you when you die!

Why are mosquitos religious?
They prey on you!

Why did the mosquito go to the dentist?
To improve his bite!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a mosquito.
Go away, sucker.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mosquito.
Mosquito who?
Mosquito smoking soon.

Two mosquitoes were buzzing round when they saw a drunken man.
One said to the other, "You bite him ? I'm driving."

What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema? Fancy a bite?
What did the mosquito say when he saw a camel's hump?

Gee, did I do that.?...

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/mosquito_jokes.html

http://www.jokedictionary.com/jokes/m/mosquitojokes.htm

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Mosquito#ixzz1zffmYex6

Hormones

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_human_hormones

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hormones.html

http://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx

http://www.hormone.org

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/hormones

http://hormones.gr

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

JOkes

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Hormone Therapy Jokes:Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.
Man: Are there any side-effects?
Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will
have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone."
He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/bar022.htmlhttp://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/cancerjokes1.htmland 

http://www.jokes.com/funny/science/hormone-vs--enzyme

Thanks:To those who created a joke and poke a smile on one's face.

Hormones

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_human_hormones

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hormones.html

http://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx

http://www.hormone.org

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/hormones

http://hormones.gr

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

JOkes

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Hormone Therapy Jokes:Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.
Man: Are there any side-effects?
Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will
have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone."
He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/bar022.htmlhttp://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/cancerjokes1.html and 

http://www.jokes.com/funny/science/hormone-vs--enzyme

Thanks: to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Motion Sickness

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_sickness
http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_condition_info_details.asp?disease_id=183&channel_id=40&relation_id=55627
http://www.medicinenet.com/motion_sickness/article.htm
http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/neurological-conditions/how-to-deal-with-motion-sickness.htm
JOkes
Motion sickness

Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Santa says.
"Thought...?" Banta asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Santa says.
"Wasn't that love?" Banta asks.
"No, that was obsession," Santa explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Banta.
"No, that was lust," Santa replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Banta.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Santa replies.

Seasick
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. 
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"




Courtesty of :http://www.santabanta.com/jokes.asp?catid=6264 and http://www.jokes.com/
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Snore

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snoring

http://www.helpguide.org/life/snoring.htm

http://www.medicinenet.com/snoring/article.htm

JOkes

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched ME all night long."

Snoring problem

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.


'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it

carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work
on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it

also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very
confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red

ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God...

We took First and Second place!'

How to sleep with someone who snores!

By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Chuck came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Chuck. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"

Chuck explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,

"Goodnight, Beautiful,"

and he sat up all night watching me

Courtesy of ebaumsworld.com,miteshasher.blogspot.com,and www.superlaugh.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Dentist

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dentist

http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos072.htm

http://www.cda-adc.ca/

JOkes

One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work. The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?" The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life." The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller" The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare." The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller." The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth." The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?" The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life" The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?" The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.

A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someones' mouth. He said, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

What do you call a depressed dentist?

A little down in the mouth.

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, caries! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist.

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

An elderly patient went to have her teeth checked.

"Mrs. Hopgood, your teeth are good for the next 50 years." the dentist beamed.
To which she replied, "What will they do without me?"

Actual Names of Practicing Dentists

Dr.Pullman, Dr.Filler, Dr.Fear, Dr.Rensch (pronounced wrench), Dr.Pick, Dr.Tusk, Dr. Drewel (pronounced "drool"),

Dr.Tucek (2thChk), Dr.Chu, Dr.Shugar, Dr.Pic, Dr.Pang, Dr.Butcher, Dr.Harm, Dr.Hurter, Dr.Toothaker, Dr.Lynch,
Dr.Root, Dr.Nasti, Dr.Paine/Payne/Pain (15 entries but notably Dr.Daryl B Payne = "There Will Be Pain"),
Dr.Smiley, Dr.Schotz, Dr.Hale (pronounced "hell" in southern), Dr.Bliss, Dr.Lancit, Dr.Gager, Dr. Eke

When a new dentist set up in a small town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of "Painless" dentist.

But a local lad quickly disputed this. "He's a fake ! " he told his mates. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his
finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else."

What did the dentist say to the computer?...This won't hurt a byte.

 

What does the dentist of the year get?…A little plaque.

I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy”s tooth. “Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!” “Yes,” replied the dentist, “but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office.”

What did the dentist say to the golfer? “You have a hole in one. ”

What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?…Fill me in when you get back.

Open wider. requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. “Good God !” he said startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.” “OK Doc !” replied the patient. “I m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.” “I didn’t !” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious … Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that … there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

 Did you get your money? ask the wife of the dentist who had just return from the delinquent patient’s home. “Not a cent,” growled the dentist, “and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!”

Courtesy of http://www.funs.co.uk,http://www.dentalindia.com,and http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Give me a break.

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Break
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bone
http://kidshealth.org/kid/htbw/bones.html
http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/circulatory/heart.htm
http://www.heartandstroke.com/site/c.ikIQLcMWJtE/b.4466147/k.69A5/Select_Your_Province.htm

JOkes
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes
your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it
free in the first place . . . You married it.

If you were my boyfriend I'd put arsenic in your tea

And if I was your boyfriend I'd drink it!

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

WOMAN WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.


A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a

fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost
everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster,
champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your
Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid,
either."

Q: What did the skeleton say when his brother told a lie?

A: You can't fool me, I can see right through you.

Q: Why are skeletons usually so calm ?

A: Nothing gets under their skin !

Q: What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish ?

A: It came back with a skeleton crew !

Broken Bones
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place.by putting a smile on someones face:)

Courtesy of www. gotabreakup.com, www.ebaumsworld.com
2001-2008 copyright.funmunch.com

Crazy

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Is there anything such as normal?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crazy
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/crazy

Joke

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Courtesy of Joke Factory

 

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven


The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heav
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Spring cleaning

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Spring Cleaning can be many things we never thought of.

http://housekeeping.about.com/od/humorforthehome/Cleaning_Humor_and_History.htm

Bride-to-be: "Mother, this wedding must be absolutely perfect. We mustn't overlook the most insignificant detail."
Mother: "Don't worry – he'll show up!"