Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/advice

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/advice

http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/travel-and-living-abroad/travel-advice-by-country

Advice

Hard as ice

like or dislike

the sight

maybe right

look at the plight

the might

to fight for 

what is right

just strike

to hike

one thought

of flight

to justify 

the right

as

advice

hard as ice

JOkes

Funny Bankruptcy Bible Joke

Jack is very depressed. His business has lost a lot of value in the recession and the stock market has taken another turn for the worse.

Jack’s wife urges him to go and talk to the family priest. Jack reluctantly agrees to make an appointment.

Jack sits down and unburdens himself the spiritual adviser. The priest thinks for a long time, but finally he finds a solution.

“Jack, this is what you need to do. Take your Bible and go somewhere peaceful where you can communicate with the Lord. Sit down and meditate and try to accept the Lord in to your heart. When you have reached inner peace I want you to slowly open your Bible and let the wind ruffle the pages. When the wind stops, look down at the page which the Bible is opened to. There you will find your answer.”

Jack is a bit skeptical, but the priest is serious and Jack decides he doesn’t have anything better to do.

The priest doesn’t see Jack again for a few months. One day, Jack shows up at the church in a fancy car and expensive suit and hands the priest an envelope with a large donation to the church.

“Father, I want to thank you for your excellent advice! I followed your instructions to the letter. When the wind finally stopped blowing it took me awhile to find any message, but then I looked at the bottom of the page. Chapter 11!

I want to take money with me

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

When you know you must really be drunk

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

I suppose I earned enough

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."

Marriage Advice

1.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
2.A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 
3.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 
4.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 
5.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 
6.Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 
7.Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
8.Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 
9.A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
10.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 
11.A woman has the last word in any argument. 
12.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 
13.There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Courtesy of:http://www.familyfriendjokes.com/jokes/life/advice

http://www.ahajokes.com/law043.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/598806/#ThmZl7Z2rVspZWz2.99

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

                                                http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice
                                                                
                                                                          JOkes

Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the doctor.

“My local General Practitioner.”
“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?”
“He told me to come and see you.”


Professional Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.






Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,http://www.funnyfunnyjokes.organdhttp://www.funnyhub.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Miracle

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracle

JOkes

A Miracle

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor." It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!""I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Another miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother andsays, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant -about 4 months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been leftalone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there somethingwrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anythinglike this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men cameover the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Medical Miracle

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months
together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're
going to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She
walked
down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a
rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's

calling please?."

Courtesy of http://jokes.contentavailable.com and http://bepop.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)