Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.
Jokes
My Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.
Male assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not." Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Second Opinion
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
I'll do anything you want.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.
1). Make the beds-- What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that - Scratch one.
2). Pick up dog poop in yard-- It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? - Scratch two.
3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners-- Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three.
This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on Web surfing for awhile.
4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet-- Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. - Scratch four.
5). Mop kitchen floor-- The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me - Scratch five.
Good dogie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
6). Find something fun for the kids to do-- That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun - Scratch six.
This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for Web surfing.
7). Vacuum the carpets-- That's a hard one-- "Hey kids, wanna have some more FUN?" - Scratch seven.
8). Feed kids lunch-- Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go too ? YESSSS - Scratch eight !!!!!!
9). Clean out hallway closet-- Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed - Scratch nine.
Boy O Boy am I good! Lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa - no lunch dishes !!!
10). Do laundry-- no problem I can do that while I'm on the Web - Scratch ten.
11). Fold laundry-- (dang, can't do that while I'm on the computer) Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. - Scratch eleven.
12) Put the laundry away-- Baskets in bedrooms work for me - Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???
13). Water the Christmas tree-- Ooops! good thing the carpet is absorbent - Scratch thirteen.
14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper-- These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth-- Scratch fourteen.
15). Pick up the kids -- Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back - Scratch fifteen.
16). Make dinner-- Easy, "Hello. Do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow" - Scratch sixteen.
17). Clean out the dog house-- duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done - Scratch seventeen.
WOW all done. Still time for some Web surfing & a nap-- Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick !
Why nagging does not work...
What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Courtesy of www.coolfunnyjokes.comwww.michaelclark.name
Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)
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