Plenty

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Plenty of Jokes.

One cannot have to much of one thing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plenty

JOkes

Ya’ never know . . .

My sister tells me that having sex with a new partner is like a snowstorm. You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.

Give it a try . . .

A man and his wife went to a fancy restaurant to have dinner. When they arrived they told the maitre d’ that they would like to have a table for two.

“I see,” he repied, “do you have reservations?”
“Yes, we do,” the man answered, “but we are going to eat here anyway.”

What do women . . .

. . . have in common with ceramic tile floors?

(If you lay them right, you can walk on them for life.)

Who’s who, anyway?

There was a wedding at the local nudist colony. There may have been some difficulty distinguishing the bride and groom but everyone could see who was the best man.

Getting together . . .

After they were married, a young man and a young bride we preparing to leave for their honeymoon.  They were so excited, they could hardly wait to go upstairs and get their things together.

Too much . . .

A man died and – having been good all his life – he went to Heaven. To his surprise, there was only himself and George Washington there. He walked around for several days; frankly, bored to tears.

Then one day, he asked God: “How about the people who went ‘you-know-where’? How are they doing?”
God replied: “Well, let’s take a look.” He waved his arms and, in a moment, the clouds parted. The man looked down and he could see all the people in ‘hell’. There was a big band playing and people were dancing. Some were gambling and so on. They seemed to be having great fun.
The man (fearing of offending God) asked timidly: “Do you think we could at least have a little music?”

God replied: “Sorry . . . I can’t book a big band like that for just two people.”

Your fondest wish . . .

A woman’s husband of 20 years passed away. She had his remains cremated and, some time after it was all over, she dumped his ashes on the dining table and spoke to him: “Honey, I used your insurance benefits to pay off the house. Now I own it free and clear.

“And I used your insurance money to buy myself a new car.
“And, with the money I had left, I got myself a handsome, studly young boy friend.

“Oh . . . and one more thing, Honey. Remember that blow job you always wanted?” She took a deep breath and blew his ashes off the table.

 

 Courtesy of: http://jokesforall.wordpress.com/

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Laziness

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laziness

JOkes

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he announced. Will the laziest man please put his hand up.
Nine hands went up.
Why didn't you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.
Too much trouble, came the reply.


While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was howling.

"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."
"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is painful."
"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.
"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"
"Lazy."
"But why does laziness make him howl?"
"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar an' howls 'cause it hurts."

 
"How's times?" inquired a tourist.

"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved me the trouble."
"Fine."
"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the trouble of burnin' it."
"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"
"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and shake the potatoes out of the ground."



Courtesy of www. oldnewjokes.com,and http://short-funny-jokes.blogspot.com/

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Vacation

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vacation

JOkes

A little different
Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."

Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"

Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."

On the roof of the hotel
Trying to tan in the altogether may be the stuff of private dreams. But location is everything, according to Story Jokes. An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?

A: By sucking in their stomach every time a women in a bikini goes by!

5-story hotel
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only", and they go in.

The bouncer explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and they realize that there is still one floor left. They head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here... and there is no way to please a woman."
 
Where are we going?
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Where is this place?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Courtesy of www.luraroski.com and www.ahajokes.com


Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Animal Cruelty

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.and @Stephenat home.

There ought to be no reason for animal cruelty.

Lets be it together.

http://www.animalcrueltyfacts.net/
http://www.youthnoise.com/page.php?page_id=2583
http://www.ifaw.org/ifaw_canada_english/join_campaigns/national_and_regional_efforts/stop_animal_cruelty_in_canada_support_anti-cruelty_laws/index.php
http://chelcofarms.org/?p=324


Joke

What do cows do for entertainment?


They rent moovies !

" How about being a minimalist.Its the least you ca do.''

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

No one ever said keeping life simple was easy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimalism

 

What's black and white, and black and white, and black and white?

   A nun rolling down a hill

"Life a journey..where it is good news,you find out you lose your baggage."

             Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

....baggage" is functionally related to the noun "bag," and luggage related to the act of "lugging."

     If you ever had a painful memory from a past relationship whereby there was mistrust or pain.
      It is always best to leave it behind.

    Signs you might have emotional baggage:
 
   1. projecting - being negative filled with self doubt
   2. paranoia -unsure,suspicious
   3.Comparing someone to you last lover.
   4. Walls are up
   5. Staying away from commitment.
 
    It is all about trust. 
    Allow oneself to trust again.
 
   See more on emotional  baggage see link courtesy of :
 
http://www.yourtango.com/201075374/5-signs-youre-carrying-emotional-baggage/page/2
http://www.growingmarriages.com/ME_article_parrott_07.html
http://www.divorcemag.com/c/s3/?Health_Well_Being/emotionalbaggage.html
 
 Joke
"The 2008 presidential election is heating up. We have narrowed down the field to 18 candidates. 19, if you count Hillary's emotional baggage." --Stephen Colbert