Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency!
http://www.getprepared.gc.ca

Jokes

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

911 Jokes

If you need a quick laugh in a hurry you've come to the right place. Welcome to 911 jokes, your emergency Joke Station on the net.

Check out all the great categories of jokes in the panel to the right or look at some of the other great humor on offer, courtesy of our good friends at the Comedy Zone.

We have loads of jokes for you to look at with bar jokes, adult jokes, sexy and fun jokes all for your viewing pleasure.

So sit back, relax and have a good laugh on me.

I hope that you enjoy your stay.

Courtesy of: http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/Police-Emergency.html http://www.members.tripod.com/tuneless74
Thanks to who created a joke and poke a smile on one's face.

Christmas

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas
http://www.northpole.com/
http://www.allthingschristmas.com/
http://mymerrychristmas.com/
http://www.history.com/topics/christmas
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03724b.htm
http://www.santas.net/aroundtheworld.htm
http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/calgary/Keeping+Christ+Christmas/5905388/story.html

JOkes

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.



2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.


3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.


4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.


5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!


6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."


7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.


8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.


9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.


10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("


11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."


12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.


13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.


14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.


15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.


16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.


17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.


18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.


19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.


20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.


9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.


8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.


7. Well, well, well...


6. I really don't deserve this.


5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!


4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.


3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!


2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.


1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.


Some Musical Christmas Advice

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?



Your teeth!

What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?



A "point setter"!

"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?"



"No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."

A Christmas thought:

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.



 

                                    
Courtesy of :http://www.ahajokes.com and http://emailsanta.com/jokes_Christmas.htm
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Motion Sickness

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_sickness
http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_condition_info_details.asp?disease_id=183&channel_id=40&relation_id=55627
http://www.medicinenet.com/motion_sickness/article.htm
http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/neurological-conditions/how-to-deal-with-motion-sickness.htm
JOkes
Motion sickness

Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Santa says.
"Thought...?" Banta asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Santa says.
"Wasn't that love?" Banta asks.
"No, that was obsession," Santa explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Banta.
"No, that was lust," Santa replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Banta.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Santa replies.

Seasick
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. 
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"




Courtesty of :http://www.santabanta.com/jokes.asp?catid=6264 and http://www.jokes.com/
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Brain

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_brain
http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/nervous-system/brain.htm
http://brain.oxfordjournals.org/
http://kidshealth.org/kid/htbw/brain.html
http://www.med.harvard.edu/AANLIB/home.html

JOkes
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."


Courtesy of Ahajokes.com,and www.about.com.