Honesty

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2019

https://www.dictionary.com/honesty

/honestyhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honesty     

Jokes

Liars get caught by the tale.

Luebbert's Law

Futons are really uncomfortable, but I love them for their honesty.

They have F U right in the name.

Honesty

Wife : " ..but I always tell you the truth after I lie."

A man was praying to god for money and fame.

Another one comes and sneers at him, 'i always pray for honesty, modesty and other noble qualities in life'.

The man says 'very well mister, one always asks for the things they don't have!'

Seeds of Honesty

Once a general manager wanted to test his people who had come from all over India, about their values of life.

He announced that in their seminar folder, there is PVC pouch and in it there is a seed. When they return , they must put it in a good soil in a pot and look after it very well.

He would hold a competition in the next year's seminar and that the best plants would be awarded suitably.

Everyone did what was told to him. A year passed quickly. And next year in a big hall, there were hundreds of pots and a great variety of plants-a great scene. Except one pot in which the soil was there and no plant! The owner was standing quietly and seemingly ashamed of himself!

The general manager called him on the stage. He asked him what happened and he told him the truth. He planted the seed which he was given – and did that was to be done- but nothing happened!

The general manager declared him the winner!

Everyone was shocked. It was announced, "Gentlemen! The seeds I gave you were boiled seeds. You planted them and nothing happened! You acted smartly and used some other seeds."

This man was honest to his work and, therefore he did not cheat me or himself!"

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying ?

His lips are moving.

             

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Honesty.
Boss: I don’t consider that a weakness.
Me:  I don’t give a f*ck what you think.

    

Courtesy of:https://upjoke.com/honesty-jokes

https://www.just-one-liners.com/category/beliefs/honesty

http://www.5jokesaday.com/content/honesty-jokes

http://jokes4all.net/honesty-jokes

http://www.info.com/serp?q=Funny+Halarious+Jokes+on+honesty

funny honesty jokes

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Goverment

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2018

https://www.thefreedictionary.com/Goverment

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Government

http://www.yourdictionary.com/goverment

Jokes

Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Don't steal. That's the government's job.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President

When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100 % of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

 A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Politician got a bribe of five hundred thousand dollars. When he brought it home, his wife asked him: “Where did you get this money, honey?” He answered: “If somebody asks, that’s the money your grandma left us.”

Courtesy of:https://onelinefun.com/political/3/

https://unijokes.com/political-jokes/

http://jokes4all.net/government-jokes

https://humoropedia.com/funny-political-jokes/

Google Images

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Stupid

                                  Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017


http://www.dictionary.com/browse/stupid
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stupid
https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/stupid
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/stupid
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=stupid
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stupidity
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/stupid


Jokes

What did one wall say to the other wall? 
 I’ll meet you at the corner.

 Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? 
 They both depend on the batter.

Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? 
Because he wanted to work over-time!
How did the farmer mend his pants? 
 With cabbage patches!

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 
He wanted cold hard cash!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
Frostbite.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? 
 Because he had no-body to go with. 
I am really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.

Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
Cause they are two tired.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got six months.

I was wondering why the frisbee eating bigger?
Then it hit me.

What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Whats blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

What is grey and can't fly?
A parking lot.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was registered as a six offender.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun/
A roamin Catholic.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 
" Why the long face? "

The horse replies
'' Mt alcoholism is destroying my family."

Courtesy of:
 http://buzzsouthafrica.com/funny-stupid-jokes/
http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/
http://www.dumb.com/jokes/funny_jokes
http://distractify.com/humor/2015/08/27/amazing-jokes-1197926903
Google.com

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Delustional

                                               

 Copyright 2017     

    

                  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusion
                  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/delusional
                  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/delusion

                  https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/delusion

                  https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/delusional       

 https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-do-i-find-a-therapist-near-me/ 

                                                        Jokes

“No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities..” 
― Christian Nestell Bovee

  A Deep Rooted Delusion

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"

  Suffering From A Delusion

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

“All Mad"

'He is mad as a hare, poor fellow,
And should be in chains,' you say,
I haven't a doubt of your statement,
But who isn't mad, I pray?
Why, the world is a great asylum,
And the people are all insane,
Gone daft with pleasure or folly,
Or crazed with passion and pain.

The infant who shrieks at a shadow,
The child with his Santa Claus faith,
The woman who worships Dame Fashion,
Each man with his notions of death,
The miser who hoards up his earnings,
The spendthrift who wastes them too soon,
The scholar grown blind in his delving,
The lover who stares at the moon.

The poet who thinks life a paean,
The cynic who thinks it a fraud,
The youth who goes seeking for pleasure,
The preacher who dares talk of God,
All priests with their creeds and their croaking,
All doubters who dare to deny,
The gay who find aught to wake laughter,
The sad who find aught worth a sigh,
Whoever is downcast or solemn,
Whoever is gleeful and gay,
Are only the dupes of delusions—
We are all of us—all of us mad.”
― Ella Wheeler Wilcox


A bloke finishes fucking his blow up doll, rolls over and says was that as good for you as it was for me?

“There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.”  Dan Greenberg

They named a medical syndrome after me called the Generation X triad: substance ingestion, amnesia & priapism.

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”  ― Rodney Dangerfield

Courtesy of: 
                  http://www.jokebuddha.com/Delusion#ixzz4Xz2J1Bwy
             http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/delusions
                       https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40pvz9/what_is_the_definition_of_delusional/
                       https://traumadissociation.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/mental-health-humor/

Mental Health

                                 Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2017

                                                   

                            wikipeda mental health 

                            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatry 

                            http://www.ccohs.ca/healthyminds/

                            https://helixhealthcaregroup.com/mental-health/

                            http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/

                            http://ontario.cmha.ca

                            

Seeking a health professional for better mental health.

Seeking a health professional is not the easiest thing to do.

It takes courage to seek out and ask for help.

there are many options in which a person may take.

One can seek a Psychiatrist, therapist or counselling that is financially reasonable.

The choice is yours whichever is more comfortable.

It is always best to try and keep options open.

There is online therapy, dialectical, cognitive behavior therapy, clinical psychologists, counsellors.

Choosing online therapy is also anonymous and can be useful in the presence and safety in your own home.

All clinicians must adhere to strict codes of confidentiality.

Give online therapy a try in the privacy of your own home. Having an online Psychiatrist, clinical psychologists, counsellor or therapist can improve the quality of one’s own mental health.

Lucy Drumonde

                                                 Jokes 

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

George Carlin

“1 in 5 people have dandruff. 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem. I’ve had both. ”

Ruby Wax

Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm 
going 
crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have. 
How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either, 
because I planted cabbage !

Patient: Why did you 
charge me a 
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”

Courtesy of: :https://traumadissociation.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/mental-health-humor/
 http://jokes.skem9.co.uk/cat/Mental-health-jokes/
http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/one_liner_jokes/mental_health_helpline