Dead Sea

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Sea
http://www.deadsea.co.il/
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/vie/Deadsea.html
http://www.extremescience.com/dead-sea.htm
http://www.bibleplaces.com/deadsea.htm

JOkes

"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns

Aladdin Dead Sea Tupperware Joke

At the very start of Disney's Aladdin, the merchant hold up a plain white box and says: Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before! This is the famous dead sea tupperware! Listen (holds box to his ear, lifts lid off a fraction and makes a raspberry noise, clearly trying to make you think the box is making it.) Ah! Still Good!

A phone call to G-d
The chief rabbi of Israel goes to Vatican city to have a conference with the pope.

After the pope and chief rabbi had their conference, the pope pulls out a telephone and starts to dial a number. He then starts an intensive conversation.
After the call, the pope could see that the rabbi was curious what was going on. The pope says "I was just talking to G-d, would you like to?" The rabbi says sure.
The pope says OK but it will cost 25 dollars. The rabbi says I must Daven too. He pays, then dials and davens to G-d, and then returns to Israel.
A year later the pope comes to Israel on one of these conference trips. At the end of the conference, the rabbi pulls out a phone, dials and davens to G-d.
When he was finished, he offered the phone to the pope and said the call will cost 25 cents. The pope asks the rabbi why he is charging him so cheaply. The rabbi replays "from here it is a local call."
Courtesy Justin Owens, Fountain, NC, USA

What can you tell me about the Dead Sea
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!...







Courtesyof:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/indexqid=20080504024606AANBk0N,http://www.azarajokes.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

                                                http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice
                                                                
                                                                          JOkes

Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the doctor.

“My local General Practitioner.”
“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?”
“He told me to come and see you.”


Professional Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.






Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,http://www.funnyfunnyjokes.organdhttp://www.funnyhub.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Impression

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impression
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/impression

JOkes

GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION?

A young doctor was just setting up his first office when his


secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor


wanted to make a good first impression by having the man


think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary


to show the man in.

At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and


pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. The


man waited until the "conversation" was over. Then, the


doctor put the telephone down and asked, "Can I help you?"


To which the man replied, "No, I'm just here to connect your


telephone."

Making a Good Impression

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents...



1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.


2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?


3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?


4. Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!


5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.


6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.


7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.


8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?


9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.


10. Can I pull my car into your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.










 
Courtesy of:http://www.jokes4us.com and http://www.jokes.com/
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Argument

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argument
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/argument
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/argument
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argument.iep.utm.edu/argument
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/argument

JOkes

‘I can’t take it anymore,’ says a man to his friend. ‘It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!’ ‘Don’t you mean ‘hysterical’?’ says his friend. ‘No, I mean historical,’ replies the man. ‘Every argument we have, she’ll go, “I still remember that time when you…”

Never argue with an idiot – they drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

She decided to bury the hatchet – between his shoulder blades.

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Argument sketch
Monty Python

A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.

Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. No. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!

YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

M: Oh! Oh I see!

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh...Sorry...

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man:(pause) I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn't!

O: Yes I did!

M: You didn't!

O: I did!

M: You didn't!

O: I'm telling you, I did!

M: You didn't!

O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did! (very fast)

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

(pause)

M: It's just contradiction!

O: No it isn't!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn't!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can't!

An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process.

Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

O: It is NOT!

M: It is!

O: Not at all!

M: It is!

>DING!< The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you, that's it.
 
M: (stunned) What?

O: That's it. Good morning.

M: But I was just getting interested!

O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

M: That was never five minutes!!

O: I'm afraid it was.

M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....

(pause)

O: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

M: WHAT??

O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

M: But that was never five minutes just now!

(pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows)

Oh Come on!

Oh this is...

This is ridiculous!

O: I told you...

I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.)

There you are.

O: Thank you.

M: (clears throat) Well...

O: Well WHAT?

M: That was never five minutes just now.

O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

M: Well I just paid!

O: No you didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!

O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!

M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???

Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!

O: (pause) No you haven't!

M: Yes I have!

If you're arguing, I must have paid.

O: Not necessarily.
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

Courtesyof:http://www.manwalksintoajoke.com,http://jokes4all.net andhttp://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/jokes/monty-python-arguement.html

Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Personality

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Tag by Newfylover1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_psychology
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/personality
http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
http://www.personalitypage.com/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/perscontents.html
http://psychology.about.com/od/overviewofpersonality/a/persondef.htm
http://www.personality-project.org/

JOkes
How did Sigmund’s wife get him turned on? She’d show up wearing only her Freudian slip.

Why did the movie theater employee have to enter therapy for blaming others for his problems? He’s a projectionist.

What does a codependent order for lunch?…I don’t know. What do you think I should say?
Why did the manic-depressive cross the road?…Who cares? What does any of it matter?

What does a dyslexic devil worshiper do on weekends? He worships Santa.

What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a prostitute? About $20.


What do you ask a multiple personality sufferer after sex? “Well, was it good for you guys, too?”


An ugly guy walks into a bar and asks the best-looking woman if he can buy her a drink. She shouts, “No, I won’t sleep with you, you disgusting pig.” A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she’s a psych student researching humiliation. He shouts back, “What do you mean you’ll do for oral for an extra $20?”


A middle-aged man went to a therapist while facing a mid-life crisis. The doctor encouraged him to get out into the world and travel: “Experience new places. Eat new foods. In my life, I’ve eaten shark and snake. Have you ever had the hump of a camel?” The patient replied: “No, but when I was younger, I was pretty good.”


Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."


The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it ok, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Assholes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally decided on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."


ATTITUDE
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and ask him for a Phone Call.
Shop-owner replied Sweety this is not a STD, but you can do one call.
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy.
The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting
her lawn.
The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm beach, Florida."
Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"


Old Couple in the city
This couple had lived together in the old village for over sixty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued.
"You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

Party Crashers
It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said


"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".





 
Courtesy of:http://www.psychjokes.com andhttp://www.fropki.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Friend

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friends

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/friend

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/friend

JOkes

 Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
 His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, "So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!" The other replied, "Just a small one, nothing to be proud of."

Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"
The other sadly answered, "About half of them."

What's the difference between a blond and a Porsche?

You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up the stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"










Courtesy of :http://jokes4all.net and http://www.jokes-best.com/
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Imaginary

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_number
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/imaginary

JOkes

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.


"During a simulated attack, the troops have to defended..."
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. "You there," the sergeant shouts, "the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!" The recruit takes two steps to one side.


"What are you doing, man?" Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. "I`m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant," answers the recruit calmly.

Geography ClassTeacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.


"51 ways to make your parents think your insane" joke
Follow them everywhere.


Moo when they say your name.


Pretend to have amnesia.


Say everything backwards.


Give yourself a swirly.


Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "The sun!!! It's dying!!!"


Run into walls.


Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear (or naked for that matter).


Have nervous breakdowns at spontaneous times.


Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.


Pretend to worship the devil.


Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and yell, "Good morning sunshine!!!"


Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.


Run in circles.


Recite a whole movie 3 times.


Pretend to beat yourself up.


Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!!!"


Slither everywhere.


Wear a sticker that says, "i'm a retard!!!"


Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a fashion statement.


Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way.


Super glue your finger up your nose.


Talk to a pen. for that matter name it and call it your pet


Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to ALL the time.


Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe.


Try and climb the wall.


Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly.


Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead... say you're a lovely unicorn.


In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!!"


Make weird animals noises at night, and when them come to see whats wrong, pretend like you're asleep and nothing out of the ordinary happened.


Do what they tell you to do.


Switch the light button on and off for a while. Then say, "Ooooh... I get it!!!"


Eat your hair.


Tell them whatever they're eating looks like a certain animal.


Eat anything obviously not edible.


Jump off the roof, trying to fly.


Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house.


Hold their hand and whisper to them, "i see dead people... "


When you shower or bathe yell, "i'm drowning!!!"


Try to snorkel in your fish tank.


Ask them quietly, "Pardon me but do you have any... " then yell, "SHOELACES!!!"


Chase an imaginary tail.


Demand your own area code.


At everything they say yell, "Liar!!!"


Pretend to be 326 years old.


Hang upside down in your closet.


Pretend to be a phone.


Try to swim in the floor.


Tap on their door all night.


Pretend to have multiple personalities.


Be yourself.

1.4 MATHEMATICS POETRY

Consider the pitiful plight

Of a runner who wasn't too bright
But he sprinted so fast,
That he vanished at last
By red-shifting himself out of sight.



 

 

Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.comandhttp://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nl/scijokes/1_4.html#subindex
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Complain

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complaint
http://www.howtocomplain.com/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/08/how-to-stop-complaining
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/complain
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/complain
http://www.bbb.org/canada/SitePage.aspx?id=e3275d87-9678-4f61-a5a4-4e47b63f8795
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/complain

JOkes

Complain
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.


Complaints
City Of Sheffield Metropolitan District Genuine Extracts Of Letters To Council Offices


I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30, his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.


When I applied for a rebate, you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off.


When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.


The toilet is cracked, where do I stand?




Courtesy of:http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/243162/,http://jokes4all.netandhttp://www.funny-haha.co.uk

Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

End

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/End

JOkes

THE END OF THE WORLD

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD


The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN


Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE


Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE


Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE


Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER


Wired: THE LAST NEW THING


Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR


Readers Digest: BYE


Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW


IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?


TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!


Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW


“ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15


MINUTES.


Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE


Microsoft’s Web Site: IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD


SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.


Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!


On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.

"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme.


One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.


Now Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful elocution.


All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.


As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said "Better Nate than Lever."


The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Jean Chretien.



Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days, the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.


Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.

Jean Chretien goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."

 
 
 
 
 
Courtesy of:http://morefunnyjokes.wordpress.com/ andhttp://www.paulkavanagh.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)