Lecture

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lecture

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lecture

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lecture

http://www.thelastlecture.com

JOKes

A lecture about English A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." 

Right And WrongTeacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.

Teacher: Is the sum right?

First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.

I'm going to a lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Courtesy ofhttp://www.ahajokes.com and http://bootstrike.com

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Gas station

 

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Gas_stations_in_Canada
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filling_station

JOKes
Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change? He drove her to the corner gas station.


Gasoline Jokes
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.All in favour of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, “Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.”
For our vacation this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

Gas Station Humour

I stopped in at the local gas station for something to drink and when I approached the register, the employee promptly asked me, "Do you have gas?" I answered him with a puzzled look on my face. "Isn't that a rather personal question?"






Courtesy of: http://www.danggoodjokes.com/mooving,http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/05/31/funny-jokes-gasoline-jokes,and http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=C4WDO&Funny_Jokes=Gas_Station_Humor
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Dead Sea

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Sea
http://www.deadsea.co.il/
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/vie/Deadsea.html
http://www.extremescience.com/dead-sea.htm
http://www.bibleplaces.com/deadsea.htm

JOkes

"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns

Aladdin Dead Sea Tupperware Joke

At the very start of Disney's Aladdin, the merchant hold up a plain white box and says: Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before! This is the famous dead sea tupperware! Listen (holds box to his ear, lifts lid off a fraction and makes a raspberry noise, clearly trying to make you think the box is making it.) Ah! Still Good!

A phone call to G-d
The chief rabbi of Israel goes to Vatican city to have a conference with the pope.

After the pope and chief rabbi had their conference, the pope pulls out a telephone and starts to dial a number. He then starts an intensive conversation.
After the call, the pope could see that the rabbi was curious what was going on. The pope says "I was just talking to G-d, would you like to?" The rabbi says sure.
The pope says OK but it will cost 25 dollars. The rabbi says I must Daven too. He pays, then dials and davens to G-d, and then returns to Israel.
A year later the pope comes to Israel on one of these conference trips. At the end of the conference, the rabbi pulls out a phone, dials and davens to G-d.
When he was finished, he offered the phone to the pope and said the call will cost 25 cents. The pope asks the rabbi why he is charging him so cheaply. The rabbi replays "from here it is a local call."
Courtesy Justin Owens, Fountain, NC, USA

What can you tell me about the Dead Sea
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!...







Courtesyof:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/indexqid=20080504024606AANBk0N,http://www.azarajokes.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Notice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Notice
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/notice
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/notice

JOkes






Just a weeeeeeeee bit, not that you'd even notice joke



An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.


With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.


The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."


The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."


The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.


"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."


The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.


Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her." Reply With Quote


Notice of Revocation of Independence

To the residents of the United States of America,


In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.


Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."


2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.


Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.


7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.





Courtesyof:http://www.guysports.com,http://www.thecomputermechanics.com,andhttp://politicalhumor.about.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)