Problem

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/problem

JOkes

"A Car as Collateral"

A Russian businessman walks into a Swiss bank in Geneva and asks for a $100 loan. He offers his luxury Mercedes car as collateral. The collateral is too good, and the bank manager approves the loan. A year later, the Russian comes back. He repays the loan and the 10% interest and is ready to collect his car. Finally, the puzzled bank manager dares to ask him: "Excuse me, sir, could  you tell me: did you really need that $100 so badly? In order to get the money, you left your luxury car with us for a whole year!" The Russian replied, "That's simple – just think outside the box:  where else in Geneva can I find such a great parking place for just $10 a year?"

"One Thing at a Time"

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." 

"Prostitute Parrots"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Airplane Problems

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy of: http://www.1000ventures.com/fun/fun_ps_j.html and www.funnyjokes.com
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Willpower

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willpower

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/willpower

http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_000006.htm

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-willpower-paradox

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/self-discipline-willpower

It's a long way

to keep going

just going

long way

way

ward

until one is heard

being stood

lost in the hood

being fooled

misunderstood

its a long way

to the top

 one cannot stop

to knock

on the block

get some chalk

start to walk

don't park

look at your flock

walk away from the mock

keep going

It's a long way 

to the

top

if you wish to roll and rock

take stock

of your flock

not crock

JOkes

Halve Your Cake & Eat It Too

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she had cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”

Willpower

There are these three men that have to cross a large river.
So the first guy goes to the river and says please God give me the strength to cross this river, so he gets huge muscles and swims across.
The next one prays to God and asks for strength and intelligence to cross the river, so he looked around and saw a tree, makes it into a rowboat, and rows ac cross the river.
The third guy says "God give me Strength, Intelligence, and Willpower to cross this river. God turns him into a women, then she looks over - sees a bridge - and crosses it.

Will Power

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant  my potato garden this year. 

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to  be digging up a  garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.                                                                

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

'For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!'   At  4a.m.

The next morning,

A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and a sked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here.'

- Moral Of the Story

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD,

IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT.

IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS. 

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

Courtesy ofhttp://www.jokes-news.com/search/willpower

http://www.funnyandjokes.com/willpower.html

http://jokes4enjoyment.blogspot.ca/2008/09/will-power.html

http://darkjokeshumor.blogspot.ca/2011/01/dark-jokes-will-power.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

                                                http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice
                                                                
                                                                          JOkes

Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the doctor.

“My local General Practitioner.”
“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?”
“He told me to come and see you.”


Professional Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.






Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,http://www.funnyfunnyjokes.organdhttp://www.funnyhub.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

What Problem?

                                         Okay i see a problem coming................

Problem

                Who says it  has always been easy to ignore any kind of problem?