True

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True

JOkes

The following is supposedly a true story.
Did you understand me?
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"


Wrong place wrong time
Rory Johnson, 29, was arrested in May for a liquor store robbery in Elkhart, Ind. Johnson had parked in the back of the store to facilitate his getaway but had trouble exiting because of congestion due to road construction. Five minutes after the robbery, he was sitting in his car, having moved only a few feet, and liquor store employees pointed him out to police.


Writing to Grandma
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike

Unsanitary conditions
Wednesday, October 21, 1992
The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.
The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.
Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."


You aren't the worst
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.


A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to
his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing."
To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"



Courtesy of: www.ahajokes.com.
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mark

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark

JOke


 Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"




Courtesy of:http://answers.yahoo.com

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Jailbreak

          Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IOS_jailbreaking
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/jailbreak
http://cellphones.about.com/od/glossary/f/jailbreak_faq.htm

JOkes
Whats a bunch of white people running down a hill?a avalanche. Whats a bunch black people running down a hill?a mudslide. Whats a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?

A jail break !

Jailbreak
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.


The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."





Courtesy of: http://www.funny.com/ and http://www.nissanexa.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Motion Sickness

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_sickness
http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_condition_info_details.asp?disease_id=183&channel_id=40&relation_id=55627
http://www.medicinenet.com/motion_sickness/article.htm
http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/neurological-conditions/how-to-deal-with-motion-sickness.htm
JOkes
Motion sickness

Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Santa says.
"Thought...?" Banta asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Santa says.
"Wasn't that love?" Banta asks.
"No, that was obsession," Santa explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Banta.
"No, that was lust," Santa replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Banta.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Santa replies.

Seasick
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. 
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"




Courtesty of :http://www.santabanta.com/jokes.asp?catid=6264 and http://www.jokes.com/
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Motivation

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Please tell me ..were can one find the energy?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motivation
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/motivation
http://www.motivation-tools.com/elements/seven_rules.htm
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/21-proven-motivation-tactics/
http://www.motivation123.com/
http://humor.about.com/od/jokesarchivesa/a/motivational_qu.htm

JOkes

Two Frogs in a Pit – Amazing Moral Story!

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that there’s no way to survive. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.


The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.


He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs were in shock and said, “Did you not hear us?!”


The frog explained to them that he is partially deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
This story teaches us two lessons:


1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.


2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.


Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words, it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.


Believe in Yourself – Very Motivational Story
A business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out. Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park thinking if anything could save his Company from bankruptcy. Suddenly an old man appeared before him. “I can see that something is troubling you”, he said. After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said, “I believe I can help you”. He asked the man his name, wrote out a cheque, and pushed it into his hand saying, “Take this money.


Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time”. Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. The business executive saw in his hand a cheque for $500,000, signed by John D.Rockefeller, one of the richest men in the world. “I can erase my money worries in an instant”, he thought.


Nevertheless, the executive decided to put the cheque in his safe first. He thought, just knowing it was there, would give him the strength to work out a way to save his business. With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and got extended terms of payment from c lose some big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.


Exactly a year later, he returned to the park with that uncashed cheque. The old man did not appear for some time yet the business executive decided to wait for a while more. A while later the old man came along but seemed unmindful of the business executive. He stopped the old man and was about to hand over the cheque with a few words of thanks as well as share his success story. At the same time, he saw a nurse come running up and grabbing the old man. “I’m so glad I caught him”, she cried. “I hope he hasn’t been bothering you. He’s always escaping from the rest home and telling he is Rockefeller.” And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him. Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his new found self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after. He understood that confidence is nothing but the distant vision held positively no matter what comes in between. It comes from one’s own commitment and dedication and is entirely internal.

The Mother of All Excuses Place
There are literally thousands of excuses to be found on these pages compiled by Madtbone Inc. Many are witty. Some are reasonable.


•"I have a friend who told our boss that he needed to leave work because his uncle was dying and he needed to beat his cousin to the power tools."


•"I'm sorry I was late for work, but when I was getting ready to brush my teeth, I squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube and it took me a long time to get it all back in."


•"I won't be in today. ... My hair wont start."


Categories include excuses for Work, Kids, Doctors, Police, Church, Breaking Dates, Weddings, Diets, Taxes, Debt, Sex, Rent, School, and Jury Duty
http://humor.about.com/od/top10lists/p/motherallexcuse.htm
http://www.bestfakedoctornotes.com/

Courtesy of: http://www.funnyfunnyjokes.org/tag/motivation/,http://forum2.aimoo.com

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Seen

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Believe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbXiECmCZ94

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v0o27BPIIk

JOkes

The Longest Duck joke.

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested." He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck." "Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying... When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead." She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife." Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy! He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!""Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"

How can I believe in God when just last week. ....

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? " by Woody Allen.

never before seen jokes-totally unrelated...

1)you can study and get any certificate but you cannot get death certificate

2)you can expect a bus from a bus stop but you cannot expect a full from a full stop
3)you can find a key in a key board but you cannot find a mother in a motherboard
4)you can find a tea in a tea cup but you cannot find a world in a world cup

Courtesy of: source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/ andhttp://www.mylot.comThanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Inflate

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inflation_(disambiguation)

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/inflate

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/inflate

http://www.balloonhq.com/faq/inflating.html

JOkes

Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."


Rohit and the Truth

Once there was a little boy called Rohit who lived in the country.

They had to use an outhouse, and Rohit hated it because it was hot in
the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the river.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Rohit decided
today was the day to push the outhouse into the river. So he
got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the river and floated away.
That night his dad Kanjibhai told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
Kanjibhai replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the river today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?"
Rohit answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that Gandhi's chopped down a Pipal tree and
didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "well, son, Gandhi's father wasn't in that Pipal

tree!"

In an elevator...

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Courtesy of :source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Schizophrenic

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

http://www.schizophrenic.com/

http://onemansblog.com/2007/06/13/what-its-really-like-to-be-schizophrenic/

http://www.schizophrenia.ca/

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/04/schizoillusion/

http://www.blogthings.com/areyouaparanoidschizophrenicquiz/

JOkes

Did you hear about the panto that was held in aid of the Schizophrenia Association? It descended into chaos when someone shouted "He's behind you!"

schizophrenics are on the roof of a building in a town in a middle of the night with an electric torch. The other points the light beam to the roof of another building and says: "Could you now walk on the light beam to the other building?"

"Of course I could...but I am afraid you turn the light off when I am in the middle!"

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.

A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.

The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

Courtesy of: http://www.workjoke.com,http://strawberryfondant.blogspot.com,andhttp://www.bouldertherapist.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mistake

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mistake

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mistake_(contract_law)

JOkes

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Bad Mistake

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,' Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Profitable Mistake

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

The Guardian Angel Mistake

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.com,http://www.funnyhub.com,andhttp://www.jokesgallery.com

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Plenty

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Plenty of Jokes.

One cannot have to much of one thing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plenty

JOkes

Ya’ never know . . .

My sister tells me that having sex with a new partner is like a snowstorm. You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.

Give it a try . . .

A man and his wife went to a fancy restaurant to have dinner. When they arrived they told the maitre d’ that they would like to have a table for two.

“I see,” he repied, “do you have reservations?”
“Yes, we do,” the man answered, “but we are going to eat here anyway.”

What do women . . .

. . . have in common with ceramic tile floors?

(If you lay them right, you can walk on them for life.)

Who’s who, anyway?

There was a wedding at the local nudist colony. There may have been some difficulty distinguishing the bride and groom but everyone could see who was the best man.

Getting together . . .

After they were married, a young man and a young bride we preparing to leave for their honeymoon.  They were so excited, they could hardly wait to go upstairs and get their things together.

Too much . . .

A man died and – having been good all his life – he went to Heaven. To his surprise, there was only himself and George Washington there. He walked around for several days; frankly, bored to tears.

Then one day, he asked God: “How about the people who went ‘you-know-where’? How are they doing?”
God replied: “Well, let’s take a look.” He waved his arms and, in a moment, the clouds parted. The man looked down and he could see all the people in ‘hell’. There was a big band playing and people were dancing. Some were gambling and so on. They seemed to be having great fun.
The man (fearing of offending God) asked timidly: “Do you think we could at least have a little music?”

God replied: “Sorry . . . I can’t book a big band like that for just two people.”

Your fondest wish . . .

A woman’s husband of 20 years passed away. She had his remains cremated and, some time after it was all over, she dumped his ashes on the dining table and spoke to him: “Honey, I used your insurance benefits to pay off the house. Now I own it free and clear.

“And I used your insurance money to buy myself a new car.
“And, with the money I had left, I got myself a handsome, studly young boy friend.

“Oh . . . and one more thing, Honey. Remember that blow job you always wanted?” She took a deep breath and blew his ashes off the table.

 

 Courtesy of: http://jokesforall.wordpress.com/

Thanks ... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)