Thinking

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_thinking
   http://www.thefreedictionary.com/thinking
   http://www.thinking.net/
   http://www.psychology4all.com/Thinking.htm

  JOkes

ONE EXTRA SHOT

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.
Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
"What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"
"How" the interviewer asked,


"Sorry Sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"


Lateral Thinking
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.


At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the New Zealanders.
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.


The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.
"Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."












Courtesy of:http://jokes.nuvvo.com/lesson/5138-thinking-out-of-the-box andhttp://www.jokesplace.com/joke/lateralthinking.html
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Human

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_rights

JOkes

What's the difference between a human and a dung beetle?

Answer: Beetle knows when to spit it out.

What's the difference between a human and a stick insect?

Answer: The insect is fake on purpose.

What's the difference between a human and a stick insect?

Answer: The insect is fake on purpose.

ROTUND An elderly woman who was extremely stout was endeavoring to enter a street car when the conductor, noticing her difficulty, said to her:
"Try sideways, madam; try sideways."
The woman looked up breathlessly and said: "Why, bless ye, I ain't got no sideways!"

MISTAKEN IDENTITY?
A kindergarten teacher entering a street-car saw a gentleman whose face seemed familiar, and she said, "Good evening!"

He seemed somewhat surprised, and she soon realized that she had spoken to a stranger. Much confused, she explained: "When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children."



BALLS
A young married couple who lived near a famous golf-course were entertaining an elderly aunt from the depths of the country.
"Well, Aunt Mary, how did you spend this afternoon?" asked the hostess on the first day.
"Oh, I enjoyed myself very much," replied Auntie with a beaming smile, "I went for a walk across the fields. There seemed to be a great many people about, and some of them shouted to me in a most eccentric manner, but I just took no notice. And, by the way," she went on, "I found such a number of curious little round white things. I brought them home to ask you what they are."











Courtesy of:http://drbeetle.homestead.comhttp://www.oldfashionedamericanhumor.com

Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Christmas

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas
http://www.northpole.com/
http://www.allthingschristmas.com/
http://mymerrychristmas.com/
http://www.history.com/topics/christmas
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03724b.htm
http://www.santas.net/aroundtheworld.htm
http://www.calgaryherald.com/news/calgary/Keeping+Christ+Christmas/5905388/story.html

JOkes

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.



2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.


3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.


4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.


5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!


6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."


7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.


8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.


9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.


10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("


11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."


12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.


13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.


14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.


15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.


16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.


17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.


18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.


19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.


20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.


9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.


8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.


7. Well, well, well...


6. I really don't deserve this.


5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!


4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.


3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!


2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.


1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.


Some Musical Christmas Advice

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?



Your teeth!

What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?



A "point setter"!

"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?"



"No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."

A Christmas thought:

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.



 

                                    
Courtesy of :http://www.ahajokes.com and http://emailsanta.com/jokes_Christmas.htm
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Bank

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bank
http://www.bankofcanada.ca/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Bank_of_the_United_States
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Bank_of_the_United_States
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banking_in_the_United_States
http://www.ushistory.org/tour/first-bank.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/European_Central_Bank
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_banks_in_Europe
http://www.ecb.int/ecb/html/index.en.html

JOkes

Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.

Bankers Do It...Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.

Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal.

  I once had a commercial customer come to my teller window for a change order.  I was a little confused when, according to her change order list, she asked for $45 in ten dollar bills along with the other currency.  She argued with me when I told her that was impossible.   After about ten minutes of trying to convince her, I finally had to count out four bills which she agreed was $40.  I added one more which totaled $50.  She finally believed me.


THE young woman who entered our bank to cash a check looked so hesitant that I went to help her. "Please sign the back of the check," I told her, "as you'd sign a letter." She looked at me gratefully, scribbled on the check and passed it to me. Signed on the back was: "Yours affectionately, Pamela.


THE bank where I work had just installed its first 24 hour cash machine. I encouraged an elderly gentleman to take an application for the new plastic identification cards, explaining that he would be able to get cash any time of day or night. He declined, saying, "Lady, anything I'd need money for that late at night I shouldn't be doing."


I WENT to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht. Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that branch. Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."
   

AT THE bank where I used to work, we tellers were constantly cautioned either to know the person who wanted to cash a cheque or to request proper identification. One time a young man, who minutes before could produce no ID, returned to my window with what he considered the perfect identification. Tucked under his arm was his high-school yearbook opened to his class picture. I cashed his cheque.

Courtesy of: http://www.joketin.com/bank-jokes andhttp://www.becquet.ca

Complicated

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complicated

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/complicated

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/complicated

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023

JOkes

Teacher jokes-Complicated concept

One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted, demanding, "Why do we have to learn all this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how exactly does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

               Complicated Jokes
 I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 He's not dead, he's electroencephalographic challenged.
 Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.









Courtesy of:http://funnyjokes4me.blogspot.com andhttp://www.inspirational-quotes-short-funnstuff.com/short-hilarious-jokes.html

Way

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011

                                                         http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Way

                                                                        JOkes

101 Ways To Annoy People



1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.


2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."


3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."


4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."


5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.


6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. &it ;


7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.


8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.


9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".


10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.


11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.


12. Sniffle incessantly.


13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.


14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."


16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."


17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."


18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".


19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."


20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.


21. Practice making fax and modem noises.


22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.


23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.


24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.


25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."


26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."


27. Wear a special hip holster for your


remote control.


28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.


29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.


30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.


32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.


33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."


34. Drum on every available surface.


35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.


36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.


37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.


38. Sew anti-theft detector strips


into peoples backpacks.


39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.


40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.


41. Set alarms for random times.


42. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.


43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.


44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.


45. Honk and wave to strangers.


46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.


47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.


48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.


49. Wear your pants backwards.


50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.


51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.


53. only type in lowercase.


54. don't use any punctuation either


55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.


56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.


57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.


58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.


59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of some one's road maps.


60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.


61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."


62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.


63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.


64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.


65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."


66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.


67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.


68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."


69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.


70. Stand over some one's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.


71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.


72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.


73. Drive half a block.


74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.


75. Ask people what gender they are.


76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.


77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.





79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Felix Natividad", the Archie's "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.


80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.


81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.


82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.


83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."


84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.


86. Wear a LOT of cologne.


87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."


88. Sing along at the opera.


89. Mow your lawn with scissors.


90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"


91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."


92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.


93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something


about "psychological profiles."


94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."


95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.


96. Never make eye contact.


97. Never break eye contact.


98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.


99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.


100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.


101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


Three Blondes On Their Way To Heaven

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blond were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blond made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blond said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"








Courtesy of: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com and the jokeyard.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Man

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man

http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/09580c.htm

JOkes

Why do men want to marry virgins? 

They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.


How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1) No mind.
2) No business.





Courtesy of: http://www.101funjokes.com and http://jokes4all.net/men.html
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mind

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind

http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://philosophy.uwaterloo.ca/MindDict

http://www.mindalive.com/

http://mindyourmind.ca/

JOKes

You've changed my mind
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."

Mind Benders
3 guys go for dinner, each buys a $10 steak. At the end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three of them to cover the cost of the meals and gives it to the waitress. She goes back to the cash register, where the overlooking manager says "Those dinners are discounted, you need to give them $5 back." So the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the table. Not knowing how to split $5 between the three of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.

Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they only paid $27. The waitress kept $2. This totals $29. Where did the last dollar go?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Best Short Jokes Ever That Will Blow Your Mind
 I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back!
 I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out!
 A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.
 A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.
 Don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.
 I don't remember being absent minded.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.







Courtesy of : Ahakokes.com,lotsofjokes.com andhttp://www.inspirational-quotes-short-funny-stuff.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Bickering

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/bickering
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bicker
http://thesaurus.com/browse/bicker
http://www.answers.com/topic/bicker
http://marriage.about.com/u/ua/difficultissues/bickering.htm
http://www.answers.com/topic/bicker

JOkes

No more bickering

After a full day of constant arguing over the smallest things, Adrian suggested to Paula that they call a truce ~No more bickering for 48 hours.
"It's Saturday at four o'clock," Adrian said. "No more bitching at each other until the same time on Monday."
"Okay, I think that can work" Paula said. "I'll talk to you then!"

The bickering monks
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"





 Courtesy of : http://miteshasher.blogspot.com and http://www.onlinenigeria.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Dead Sea

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Sea
http://www.deadsea.co.il/
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/vie/Deadsea.html
http://www.extremescience.com/dead-sea.htm
http://www.bibleplaces.com/deadsea.htm

JOkes

"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns

Aladdin Dead Sea Tupperware Joke

At the very start of Disney's Aladdin, the merchant hold up a plain white box and says: Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before! This is the famous dead sea tupperware! Listen (holds box to his ear, lifts lid off a fraction and makes a raspberry noise, clearly trying to make you think the box is making it.) Ah! Still Good!

A phone call to G-d
The chief rabbi of Israel goes to Vatican city to have a conference with the pope.

After the pope and chief rabbi had their conference, the pope pulls out a telephone and starts to dial a number. He then starts an intensive conversation.
After the call, the pope could see that the rabbi was curious what was going on. The pope says "I was just talking to G-d, would you like to?" The rabbi says sure.
The pope says OK but it will cost 25 dollars. The rabbi says I must Daven too. He pays, then dials and davens to G-d, and then returns to Israel.
A year later the pope comes to Israel on one of these conference trips. At the end of the conference, the rabbi pulls out a phone, dials and davens to G-d.
When he was finished, he offered the phone to the pope and said the call will cost 25 cents. The pope asks the rabbi why he is charging him so cheaply. The rabbi replays "from here it is a local call."
Courtesy Justin Owens, Fountain, NC, USA

What can you tell me about the Dead Sea
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!...







Courtesyof:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/indexqid=20080504024606AANBk0N,http://www.azarajokes.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

                                                http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice
                                                                
                                                                          JOkes

Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the doctor.

“My local General Practitioner.”
“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?”
“He told me to come and see you.”


Professional Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.






Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,http://www.funnyfunnyjokes.organdhttp://www.funnyhub.com
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Impression

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impression
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/impression

JOkes

GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION?

A young doctor was just setting up his first office when his


secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor


wanted to make a good first impression by having the man


think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary


to show the man in.

At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and


pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. The


man waited until the "conversation" was over. Then, the


doctor put the telephone down and asked, "Can I help you?"


To which the man replied, "No, I'm just here to connect your


telephone."

Making a Good Impression

Don't Say This to Your New Girlfriend's Parents...



1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.


2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?


3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?


4. Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!


5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.


6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.


7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.


8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?


9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.


10. Can I pull my car into your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.










 
Courtesy of:http://www.jokes4us.com and http://www.jokes.com/
Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Argument

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argument
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/argument
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/argument
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argument.iep.utm.edu/argument
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/argument

JOkes

‘I can’t take it anymore,’ says a man to his friend. ‘It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!’ ‘Don’t you mean ‘hysterical’?’ says his friend. ‘No, I mean historical,’ replies the man. ‘Every argument we have, she’ll go, “I still remember that time when you…”

Never argue with an idiot – they drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

She decided to bury the hatchet – between his shoulder blades.

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Argument sketch
Monty Python

A man walks into an office.

Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.

Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. No. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!

YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

M: Oh! Oh I see!

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh...Sorry...

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man:(pause) I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn't!

O: Yes I did!

M: You didn't!

O: I did!

M: You didn't!

O: I'm telling you, I did!

M: You didn't!

O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did! (very fast)

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

(pause)

M: It's just contradiction!

O: No it isn't!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn't!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can't!

An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process.

Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

O: It is NOT!

M: It is!

O: Not at all!

M: It is!

>DING!< The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

O: Thank you, that's it.
 
M: (stunned) What?

O: That's it. Good morning.

M: But I was just getting interested!

O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

M: That was never five minutes!!

O: I'm afraid it was.

M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....

(pause)

O: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

M: WHAT??

O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

M: But that was never five minutes just now!

(pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows)

Oh Come on!

Oh this is...

This is ridiculous!

O: I told you...

I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.)

There you are.

O: Thank you.

M: (clears throat) Well...

O: Well WHAT?

M: That was never five minutes just now.

O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

M: Well I just paid!

O: No you didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!

O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!

M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???

Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!

O: (pause) No you haven't!

M: Yes I have!

If you're arguing, I must have paid.

O: Not necessarily.
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

Courtesyof:http://www.manwalksintoajoke.com,http://jokes4all.net andhttp://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/jokes/monty-python-arguement.html

Thanks ...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)