Ugly

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ugly
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ugly
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ugly


JOkes
You Are So Ugly!
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

1. If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
2. You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
3. If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
4. You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
5. You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control... your face will do just fine.
6. You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
7. You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
8. You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
9. You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
10. You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.
11. You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
12. You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.
13. You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arressted for mooning.
14. You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
15. Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
16. You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
17. You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.
18. You're so ugly, everytime your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've just given head."
19. I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.
20. You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.
21. You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.
22. You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell - when people see you they run for the border.
23. You're so ugly, you make onions cry.
24. You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.
25. You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."
26. You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.
27. You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.
28. You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.
29. You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.
30. You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
31. You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
32. You're so ugly, everytime you go out you get chased by the dogcatcher.
33. You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
34. You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.
35. You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step the water parts.
36. You're so ugly, you give Freddy Krugger nightmares.
37. You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.
38. You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
39. You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.
40. You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.
41. You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.
42. You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.
43. Your girlfriend is so ugly, OPP meas, "Oh, please, put it away!"
44. You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

---

World's Biggest List of Insults

I'LL HIT YOU...
I'll  hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and
a plane ticket back!
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!

DUMB...
You're so dumb you think socialism means partying!
You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican!
You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"!
You  so stupid you probably think Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone
bill.
You so dumb you got blonde roots in your eyeballs.
Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.

UGLY...
She  was  so ugly...  they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla
biscuits
You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road!
You're so ugly when you walk into a bank, they turn the cameras off!
You're  so  ugly,  if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you
for mooning!
You're  so  ugly  if  you  joined  an  ugly  contest, they'd say "Sorry, no
professionals!"
You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends!
You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to
walk backwards!
You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother!
You're  so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said
"Twins!"
You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped
the clock!
She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Your face so so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face.
Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
Your  so  ugly,  your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the
dog to play with you.

FAT...
You're so fat when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the HOUSE
You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
You're  so  fat  if  you  weighed  five  more  pounds,  you could get group
insurance!
You're  so  fat  you  get  clothes in three sizes:  extra large, jumbo, and
oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
You're so fat if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take his word for
it!
Your  so  fat,  that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people
you are backing up.
Your so fat, that you have to use a mattress as a maxi-pad.

GENERAL...
'Scuse  me,  I can't seem to find my dick.  Mind if I look in your mother's
mouth?
Your wife said she liked seafood.  So I gave her crabs.
Are those your tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave you their heads?
Is that an accent, or is your mouth just full of sperm?
If I had change for a buck, I could have been your dad!
The  difference  between  your  mama  and  a  rooster?   The  rooster  says
cock-a-doodle  doo,  your mama says any-cock'll do.  I would have been your
dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change.
You're so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
You're like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on.

MOTHERS...
I  saved  your mother's life today...  I killed a shiteating dog on the way
over.
Your  mother's  armpits  are  so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a
headlock.
Your mother's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo.
Your mom's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Your mom's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
They  say  that  beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to
use a black light.
Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice.
Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Your mom's got snakeskin teeth.
Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod.
Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts.
Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator.
Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot.
Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns.
Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air -- AND GOT STUCK!
Your mother's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Your mother's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Your mother's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Your Mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth & two in her pocket.
Your Mama's breath's so strong, she be blowin' bubbles with Now & Laters.
Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
Your  Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long
she can sleep.
Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged.
Your  Mother  is  so  old, I told her to start acting her age and the bitch
died.
Your mama's so old she owes Jesus Christ a quarter
Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway
Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money
Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Your  Mama's  So  fat,  when  her  beepgr  goes off, people thought she was
backing up
Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign,
she went home and got 16 friends
Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Your Mama's So fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued"
Your  Mama's  So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist
to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Your  Mama's So ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
Your Mama's So ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Your  Mama's  So  ugly,  just  after  she was born, her mother said "What a
treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Your Mama's So old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died.
Your Mama's So ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Your  Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for
Star Wars.
Your  Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked
her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Your  Mama's  So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,
they put it around her neck
Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Your  Mama's  So  ugly,  when  she  walks  into  a  bank, they turn off the
surveillence cameras
Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution!  Wide Turn"
Your  Mama's  So  stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran
outside with a spoon
Your  Mama's  So  fat,  when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE
HOUSE!
Your  Mama's  So  fat,  when  she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time,
please"
Your  Mama's  So  stupid,  she  told  everyone  that she was "illegitiment"
because she couldn't read.
Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Your  Mama's So ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the
dogs to play with her.
Your  Mama's  So  ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people
say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Your Mom's like a race car driver...  she burns a lot of rubbers
Your Mom's like a doorknob...  everybody gets a turn
Your Mom's like an ice cream cone...  everyone gets a lick
Your Mom's like a bowling ball you can fit three fingers in
Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter
Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always comes back for more
Your Mom's like McDonalds...  Billions and Billions served
Your Mom's like Denny's...  open 24 hours
Your Mom's like a shotgun...  give her a cock and she blows
Your Mom's like 7up...never had it never will.
Your mama's like a railroad track:  She gets laid all over the country.
Your mama's like a T.V.:  A two year old could turn her on.
Your mama's like a goalie:  she changes her pads after three periods.
Your mama's like Crazy Eddie, she's practically giving it all away
You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
Your mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
Your  mom  is  like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her
away.
You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
Your  so  ugly,  your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the
dog to play with you.
Your  so  fat,  that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people
you are backing up.
Your so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
Your so fat, that you have to use a matress as a maxi-pad.
Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Your like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on.
Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.

You're mother's so dumb...
..she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
..heard it was chilly outside and grabbed a bowl.
..got hit by a parked car.

Insults...
I'm  looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it
yet.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll
say your stupidity.
Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
I've  had  many  cases  of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I
feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already
without your working so hard to give us another?
The  thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much
as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that
many people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
I  hear  that  when  you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to
take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
I  hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the
front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
You  were  born  because  your  mother  didn't believe in abortion; now she
believes in infanticide.
No  one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like
a wreck not to be.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
You  were the answer to a prayer.  Your parents prayed that the world would
be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At  your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will
fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
You  have  nothing  to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that
tell me to kill you.
It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us have it.
I  don't  consider you a vulture.  I consider you something a vulture would
eat.
I  think you should live for the moment.  But after that I doubt I'll think
so.
Man alive!  But I wish you weren't.
I  believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you
WERE dead.
I  admire  your because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a
thief and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.

Courtesy
of:http://www.avaruusmies.com/jokes/english/166.htmlhttp://home.online.no/~rkaste/jokes/insults.htm
http://home.online.no/~rkaste/jokes/insults.htm
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Health

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health
http://www.health.com/health
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/index-eng.php
http://www.toronto.ca/health
http://www.justanswer.com/sip/Health


Jokes
A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner? "
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"


 A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on her or anything. She might only be in a coma or something."
The vet shrugged, turned and left the room, returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head "no."
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, also shook its head "no," meowed and walked out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, as I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A hundred and fifty dollars just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but ... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... it's $150.00."


Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. 
"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

THE 12 WARNING SIGNS OF GOOD HEALTH*

(If several or more appear, you may rarely need to visit a doctor.)

1. Regular flare-ups of a supportive network of friends and family.

2. Chronic positive expectations.

3. Repeated episodes of gratitude and generosity.

4. Increased appetite for physical activity.

5. Marked tendency to identify and express feelings.

6. Compulsion to contribute to society.

7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.

8. Habitual behavior related to seeking new challenges.

9. Craving for peak experiences.

10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.

11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.

12. Persistent sense of humor.

 

*Adapted from a posting on a computer bulletin board in Wald port, Oregon, author unidentified. Reprinted in Whole Earth Review (Winter 1994), a compendium of brash thinking and lofty ideas.

Cognitive Restructuring
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

STATE OF THE ART MENTAL HEALTH CARE REFORM:

 PUTTING MONEY FIRST - A CAPITAL IDEA

INTRODUCTION:

It used to be that medicine was considered a calling, not a trade. Therapists were able to focus their attention on improving the quality of life for those in their practice. This allowed the remainder of the population to devote their attention to improving the quality of the small pieces of coloured paper in their lives. This was unfortunate, because the pieces of paper themselves were not that unhappy. The current state of mental health funding indicates that the traditional approach needs to be updated. Therapists now need to join the rest of society and give direct attention to the small coloured pieces of paper.

METHOD:

The practices of Psychiatry, Psychology, Social Work and Rehabilitative Medicine have developed light years beyond what was available when most dignitaries were emblazoned on their country's currency. A comprehensive assessment and treatment plan for these individuals would no doubt improve their circumstances.

CASE EXAMPLES:

U.S. $50 - ULYSSES S. GRANT

Ulysses S. Grant, born Hiram Ulysses Grant, changed his name in order to avoid his initials spelling H.U.G., which is unfortunate because he could use one. He is a very heavy smoker and drinker, and as an old soldier clearly could use some exercise - like marching through some 12 Step programs. He needs vocational rehabilitation because up until the time of the Civil War he failed at every job he attempted. Lastly, a dietary consultation would encourage him to improve on his favourite breakfast of cucumber soaked in vinegar.

U.S. $1000 - GROVER CLEVELAND

Grover is the second heaviest president to ever serve office and duly earned the nickname, "Uncle Jumbo." He gave early credence to the hereditary theory of obesity when the "Baby Ruth" chocolate bar was named for his daughter. A behavioural modification program and reducing diet are clearly in order. Leisure counselling is also indicated, as he refused to admit the State of Hawaii to the Union.

U.S. $20 - ANDREW JACKSON

Andrew Jackson, a rough and ready sort, has the nickname "Old Hickory" as much for his toughness as for the way he smells. Not only did he order spittoons for the White House, but single-handily subdued the first would-be presidential assassin with his own cane. He is badly in need of pharmacotherapy for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Additionally, with the wildest and most destructive inauguration on record, he and his gang need psychotherapy for their Group Type Conduct Disorder.

CANADIAN $10 - SIR JOHN A. MACDONALD

Sir John A. MacDonald has been known to tip the bottle on more than a few special occasions. He and his crapulent clan went on a cross-country bender that ended up ordaining them as the Confabulating Fathers of Confederation. A 28 day residential program would suit Sir John nicely. His wife describes him as having pronounced mood swings, thus a mood stabilizer would help even out his manic sprees and depressive frugality. When visiting England to wrest the Dominion of Canada from the Monarchy, he and his merry band shot at the British public with peashooters. Accordingly, an interpretation of the Oedipus Complex would benefit Sir John.

CANADIAN $50 - WILLIAM LYON MACKENZIE KING

King, who conducts seances, regularly speaks to the dead, and feels he is guided directly by God, could clearly be helped by an anti psychotic. He remains unmarried, and counts as his only friends the British mediums who conduct his seances and a series of terriers all named Pat. Social Skills Training would enable him to interact with others in a more appropriate way. He is also a muddle of almost supernatural skill, and would be helped considerably by Assertiveness Training.

CANADIAN $100 - ROBERT BORDEN

Robert Borden, a classic type 'A' workaholic, is a one ulcer man holding down a four ulcer job. His vain efforts in cycling to work do not compensate for his compulsive tobacco chewing. He complains of lumbago, neuritis and sciatica and clearly needs help for his Somatization Disorder. He switched political alliances early in his career to spite his family, and group therapy could help him temper his rebellious instincts.

COMMENT:

The immediate introduction of the various therapeutic modalities listed here is sorely needed. It is hoped that once on the road to recovery, the small coloured pieces of paper will once again exhibit their previous vitality and resume circulation.

How To Get Ahead In Life

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear browsing the web. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together
The Onion | October 12, 2005 | Issue 41•41 

TEMPE, AZ—Area couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the "jag-off whose prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we've been in years."
The Witthausers, married eight years, began visiting Dr. Roger Verbicki, 42, a psychologist and accredited couples counselor, in May after months of strife threatened to end their union. Holding hands and gazing lovingly at each other, they described their first fateful meeting with "the insufferable" Verbicki.

"At the time, we could barely make eye contact," Tom said. "But about halfway through the first session, we started casting these sideways glances, because we just hated this guy. We could both feel it."

"After our first session, I told Becky, 'That guy is so unlikeable, like the way he asked us to call him Dr. Roger,'" Tom said.

"And I said, I hated him too!" Becky said, finishing Tom's sentence. "He was such a putz, like he's Dr. Phil or something. Our buddy. Gonna help us through this. What a loser."

The Witthausers said they can barely maintain their composure during their weekly meetings, due to Verbicki's various mannerisms and affectations. His nasal voice, sallow complexion, stained teeth, elbow-patched corduroy blazers, and affinity for herbal tea are among the traits cited by the Witthausers. Singled out for particular ridicule was Verbicki's tendency to rest his face against his thumb and index finger, and scratch his lower lip.

"I just want to beat the guy up," Tom said.

"And I've really learned to appreciate Tom for that," Becky said.

Tom demonstrated his imitation of Dr. Verbicki, which Becky described as "adorably mean."

"Well, if done in the proper manner, I think it would be very beneficial," said Tom, lampooning Verbicki's frequent use of the phrase "if done in the proper manner" and mispronunciation of the word "beneficial."

The couple laughed and embraced each other.

The Witthausers reported that they started communicating with each other soon after their therapy sessions began, if only to express their revulsion toward their counselor. By spending time together to complain about Verbicki's habits, the couple's romance was rekindled.

"We spent hours walking beside the lake, or drinking wine and listening to music, holding hands, and complaining about the way Dr. Roger's mouth hangs open, or how he taps his knees every time he gets up out of his chair," Becky said, adding that the mutual sentiments helped the couple realize how much they still enjoyed each other's company and how indispensable they were to each other.

"I can't imagine trashing Dr. Roger with any other person, really," Tom said.

Courtesy of:http://www-library.ncifcrf.gov/jokes.aspxhttp://www.bouldertherapist.com/html/humor/Humor.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Blind

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind

http://www.balancefba.org/about/evolution.html

http://www.cnib.ca/en

http://www.blindsailing.ca

http://www.guidedogs.ca

Jokes

 A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him.

   The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind
   man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the rabbi on the
shoulder, and asks, "Who wrote this crap?"

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Why are bats blind?
Well, you wouldn't see too good if you hung upside-down all day, would you?


 A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog. He puts the lead on the dog and starts swinging it round through the air by it. The shop assistant is horrified by this cruelty and runs to fetch the manager.

The manager rushes up to the blind man saying: "What the hell are you doing? Put that dog down immediately." The blind man replied, "I'm only having a look around."


For all Stevie Wonder fans.....


Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

 A: Neither has he! 

Q: How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?   

 A: Blind date. 

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife? 

A: Neither has he

How do you break Steve Wonder's neck? 

A: Speed up the music. 

Q: What goes ring-ring, ring-ring, ring, Ahhhhhhh! 

A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron 

Q: What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment? 

A: Rearrange the furniture. 

Q: Why does Stevie Wonder shake his head when he sings?

 A: Because he can't find the microphone. Q: What do you call Stevie Wonder playing tennis? A: Endless love

 Q: What's the fastest thing on land?

 A: Stevie Wonder's speedboat 

Q: Why does Stevie Wonder always smile? 

A: No one's told him he's black yet. 

Q: Why hasn't Stevie Wonder written a hit in years? 

A: He dropped his pencil! 

Q: What have Patrick Swayze and Stevie Wonder got in common?

 A: Neither of them will see Christmas!

 Stevie Wonder walks into a shop swinging a dog above his head. The shop owner says "Can I help you?" Stevie Wonder say "No I'm just having a look around" At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer. Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach" Stevie replies, "Midnight!" 

Courtesy of: http://www.bestmidi.com/jokes/short.php andhttp://www.jokes4us.com

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Power

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_(physics)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_(philosophy)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/power
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/power
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/power


Jokes
Top ten nuclear power jokes.10) The main argument for keeping nuclear power plants going forward is that they work, and they create new mutations for radiologists to research.

9) The main argument against using nuclear power is that it’s dangerous, and that argument is often made by protesters who are violently dangerous.

8) The economics of using nuclear power are clear: On the whole, it’s efficient, and profitable, and advances the state of science and knowledge, which explains why anti-nuke activists are so vocal.

7) The economics of stopping nuclear power are clear: Accidents happen, and make massive costly disaster holes that disrupt the pursuit of more wholesome science and knowledge, which explains so many why pro-nuclear advocates are glad they own shares in Westinghouse – the world’s leading manufacturer of nuclear power plant parts.

6) Once upon a time, nuclear power was considered the power of the future. Ironically, nuclear waste will long remain a weakness of the past.

5) Once upon a time, wind power was considered the power of the future. That was in the 17th Century BC in Hamurabi’s reign in Babylon, and they still haven’t found a way to make it solve all our energy needs.

4) A nuclear plant, a windmill and a solar panel are at a party, and the nuclear plant is getting all the attention from the hottest girls. Jealous, the windmill and solar panel ask the nuclear power what his secret is. Naturally, the atomic power player says “Well, Mr. Windmill, you’re just spinning your wheels in place and blowing a lot of air getting nowhere, and you Mr. Solar Panel, you suck up all the light and your character is very flat. On the other hand, I am the bad boy every hottie loves: I’m dangerous, I’m toxic to the core, I’m hard to handle, and my charm isradioactive.”

3) If you fish near Three Mile Island, Chernobyl or Fukushima, be sure your fishin’ trip does not turn into a fission trip.

2) If it weren’t for radioactive mutations and nuclear power plants, Marge Simpson wouldn’t have three-eyed fish to feed Mr. Burns and Homer would be unemployed.

… and the #1 nuclear power joke is:

1) It’s OK to think your inner strength is a form of nuclear power, as long as you don’t have ameltdown.

The power of baptizing.

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex att ic.I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

What would you call a power failure?
(Answer) A current event.

What's the best way to charge a car battery?
(Answer) With a credit card.


What would a barefooted man get if he steps on an electric wire?(Answer) A pair of shocks.


A successful politician is a power transformer.












Courtesy of: http://funnyjokesandlaughs.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/the-daily-dose-5312011-top-ten-nuclear-power-jokeshttp://www.turnbacktogod.com/jokes-the-power-of-baptizing and 
http://energyquest.ca.gov/games/jokes/george.html.
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Possible

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/possible

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/possible

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/possible

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/possible

http://thesaurus.com/browse/possible

Jokes

Worst possible joke

Question: An elephant falls in luv wid n Ant. But Ant’s parents r against their marriage. Why?
Answer: They gave a solid reason... Ladke ke daant (teeth) bahar hain

Question: Who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad?
Answer: Sita with Ravan

Question: What does the kangaroo say when she finds her baby missing?
Answer: Aaila!!!!! kisi ne mera pocket maar liya

Question: An elephant falls in luv wid n Ant. But Ant’s parents r against their marriage. Why?
Answer: They gave a solid reason... Ladke ke daant (teeth) bahar hain

Possible IBM acronyms

IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible






Courtesy of: http://www.unp.me/f36/worst-possible-jokes-42611/#ixzz1xu3BirKg and 

http://www.ahajokes.com/com028.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Superhero

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superhero

http://www.superherodb.com

http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com

http://www.superherojournal.com

http://marvel.com/games/play/31/create_your_own_superhero

http://www.ugo.com/games/superhero-generator-heromachine-2-5

"Don't we all wish we can be a superhero."

In many ways we are our own hero.

Jokes

    Q: What is a superhero's favorite part of the joke? 

A: The "punch" line! 

 Q: Where's Spider man's home page? 

A: On the world wide web. 

 Q: What's the difference between Batman and a robber?

 A: Batman can go into a store without robin!!

 Q: When did An akin Sky walker become evil? 

A: In the sith grade! 

Q: Whats the difference between Green Lantern and a unicorn? 

A: Nothing,they re both fictional characters 

Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness? 

A: A bucking horse.

 Q: What is Doc Ock's favorite month?

 A: Ock-tober.

 Q: What is Spider-Man's favorite month?

 A: Web-ruary.

  Q: What superhero uses public transportation?

 A: Bus Light year! 

 Q: What is a superhero's favorite drink?

 A: Fruit punch!

 Q: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb? 

A: None. They like the dark.

  Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?

 A: He was the bat-boy. 

 Q: How does Batman's mother call him to dinner? 

A: (tune of 1960's theme) Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!!!

  Q: Why did Bruce's date go badly?

 A: Because he has BAT breath! 

 Q: What does Bat girl wear to bed?

 A: Her Dark Knight gown! 

 Q: What did Superman say when he married two Women on the same day? 

A: "That's mighty bigamy!"  

Q: What did Lex Luther say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?

 A: "That's awful bigamy!"

  Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?

 A: Superbowl. 

 Q: What do you get if you cross the man of steel with a hot vegetable broth? 

A: Souperman!  

Q. "What did Doc Ock drive to the bank?"

 A. "An armoured car!"

  Q: How did Dr. Otto Octavius present his new project? 

A: Energetically! 

Q: Did you hear about the new comic book super hero?

A: He’s half man and half cow. He’s just one of those   unexpected Moooooo-tations.

Courtesy of:source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/superherojokes.html

ttp://www.dailycleanjokes.com/funny-jokes-for-kids/riddles-for-kids/new-superhero

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)