Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ugly
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ugly
JOkes
You Are So Ugly!
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
- If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
- You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
- If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
- You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
- You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control... your face will do just fine.
- You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
- You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
- You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
- You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
- You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.
- You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
- You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.
- You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arressted for mooning.
- You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
- Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
- You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
- You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.
- You're so ugly, everytime your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've just given head."
- I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.
- You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.
- You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.
- You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell - when people see you they run for the border.
- You're so ugly, you make onions cry.
- You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.
- You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."
- You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.
- You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.
- You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.
- You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.
- You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
- You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
- You're so ugly, everytime you go out you get chased by the dogcatcher.
- You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
- You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.
- You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step the water parts.
- You're so ugly, you give Freddy Krugger nightmares.
- You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.
- You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
- You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.
- You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.
- You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.
- You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.
- Your girlfriend is so ugly, OPP meas, "Oh, please, put it away!"
- You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.
World's Biggest List of Insults
I'LL HIT YOU...
I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and
a plane ticket back!
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!
DUMB...
You're so dumb you think socialism means partying!
You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican!
You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"!
You so stupid you probably think Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone
bill.
You so dumb you got blonde roots in your eyeballs.
Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
UGLY...
She was so ugly... they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla
biscuits
You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road!
You're so ugly when you walk into a bank, they turn the cameras off!
You're so ugly, if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you
for mooning!
You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no
professionals!"
You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends!
You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to
walk backwards!
You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother!
You're so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said
"Twins!"
You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped
the clock!
She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Your face so so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face.
Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the
dog to play with you.
FAT...
You're so fat when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the HOUSE
You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
You're so fat if you weighed five more pounds, you could get group
insurance!
You're so fat you get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and
oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
You're so fat if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take his word for
it!
Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people
you are backing up.
Your so fat, that you have to use a mattress as a maxi-pad.
GENERAL...
'Scuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in your mother's
mouth?
Your wife said she liked seafood. So I gave her crabs.
Are those your tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave you their heads?
Is that an accent, or is your mouth just full of sperm?
If I had change for a buck, I could have been your dad!
The difference between your mama and a rooster? The rooster says
cock-a-doodle doo, your mama says any-cock'll do. I would have been your
dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change.
You're so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
You're like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on.
MOTHERS...
I saved your mother's life today... I killed a shiteating dog on the way
over.
Your mother's armpits are so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a
headlock.
Your mother's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo.
Your mom's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Your mom's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
They say that beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to
use a black light.
Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice.
Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Your mom's got snakeskin teeth.
Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod.
Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts.
Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator.
Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot.
Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns.
Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air -- AND GOT STUCK!
Your mother's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Your mother's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Your mother's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Your Mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth & two in her pocket.
Your Mama's breath's so strong, she be blowin' bubbles with Now & Laters.
Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
Your Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long
she can sleep.
Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged.
Your Mother is so old, I told her to start acting her age and the bitch
died.
Your mama's so old she owes Jesus Christ a quarter
Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway
Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money
Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Your Mama's So fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was
backing up
Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign,
she went home and got 16 friends
Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Your Mama's So fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued"
Your Mama's So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist
to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Your Mama's So ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
Your Mama's So ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Your Mama's So ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a
treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Your Mama's So old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died.
Your Mama's So ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Your Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for
Star Wars.
Your Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked
her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Your Mama's So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,
they put it around her neck
Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence cameras
Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Your Mama's So stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran
outside with a spoon
Your Mama's So fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE
HOUSE!
Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time,
please"
Your Mama's So stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment"
because she couldn't read.
Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the
dogs to play with her.
Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people
say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Your Mom's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers
Your Mom's like a doorknob... everybody gets a turn
Your Mom's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick
Your Mom's like a bowling ball you can fit three fingers in
Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter
Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always comes back for more
Your Mom's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served
Your Mom's like Denny's... open 24 hours
Your Mom's like a shotgun... give her a cock and she blows
Your Mom's like 7up...never had it never will.
Your mama's like a railroad track: She gets laid all over the country.
Your mama's like a T.V.: A two year old could turn her on.
Your mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
Your mama's like Crazy Eddie, she's practically giving it all away
You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
Your mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
Your mom is like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her
away.
You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the
dog to play with you.
Your so fat, that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people
you are backing up.
Your so skinny, that you use a bandaid as a maxi-pad.
Your so fat, that you have to use a matress as a maxi-pad.
Your so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Your so stupid, that you went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Your like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on.
Your so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
You're mother's so dumb...
..she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
..heard it was chilly outside and grabbed a bowl.
..got hit by a parked car.
Insults...
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it
yet.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll
say your stupidity.
Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I
feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already
without your working so hard to give us another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much
as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that
many people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to
take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the
front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she
believes in infanticide.
No one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like
a wreck not to be.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would
be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will
fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that
tell me to kill you.
It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us have it.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat.
I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll think
so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you
WERE dead.
I admire your because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a
thief and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
Courtesy
of:http://www.avaruusmies.com/jokes/english/166.htmlhttp://home.online.no/~rkaste/jokes/insults.htm
http://home.online.no/~rkaste/jokes/insults.htm
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)
Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment