Rant

                                                       Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012
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JOKES...I Am Canadian


I am not a hacker or terrorist

I do not like Celine Dion or Shania Twain but I am glad they are getting rich.

I do know Richy and Sally from Canada, but they aren't nice as you think.

I am ruled by a rich white Prime Minister not a rich white President.

I don't know French but I can converse fluently in American...

...and I pronounce it A BOOT not a big shoe.

I can proudly sow my flag on my backpack, because even though no one realizes that we are just as guilty Everyone else for the fate of the 3rd world every one blames America.

when I am at home I realize I have better not protest deforestation or sexist dictators without risking a face full of pepper spray and a criminal record.

I believe in peacekeeping, even if it means killing some molly teenagers for fun

I believe in turning back boat loads of Chinese immigrants, a failing health care system, and late night cable porn disguised as art, and that the beaver is a truly proud and a beautiful part of the female body.

I believe the French should whine about anything, and the English should apologize.

...And that is pronounced zed not zee: ZED! That is how the queen told us how to pronounce it.

Canada is the second largest land mass in the world,

the second nation in hockey,

and the best part of the northern 3rd of America!

MY NAME IS JOE,

AND UNTIL WE ARE ADDED BY THE STATES,

I AM CANADIANI am Albertan

Hey, I'm not a farmer or an oil worker.
I don't live in Red Deer or eat raw beef or own a pickup truck.
I don't know Doug or Dwayne or Debbie from Fort McMurray, but I'm sure they're very nice people.
I have a premier named Ralph, not a dictator named Lucien.
And I speak English, you got it? English. Not French.
And I'm sick of having French rammed down my throat.
I go to the lake and stay in a cabin, not a cottage.
I believe in plugging in my car during the winter because if I don't, it won't start.
I drive 100 km/h in the left hand lane on Highway 2 even though the sign says, "slower traffic, keep to the right."
I'm not against Bill 11, but I'm not for Bill 11.
As a matter of fact, I don't even know what Bill 11 is all about.
I cheer for the Oilers because they play in the Leagues.
I don't believe Toronto is the centre of the universe.
I've never been there and I don't ever plan on going there.
Alberta has the second largest deposit of oil in the world.
And because of that, I don't pay taxes.
And I believe it's the greatest province in the country.
But I'd still move to B.C. if I got a good job offer.
My name is Joe.
And I am Albertan.

Actually, I moved here from Ontario in the '80's.

O.k there is International.......
I AM ITALIAN!Ciao...

I'm not a construction worker, a bricklayer or a school janitor.

I don't live in a basement.

I don't eat pasta every night.

And I don't drive a Cameo.

And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Wood bridge,

Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer.

I don't use utensils for pizza.

I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.

And I pronounce it ESPRESSO, not EX-PRES SO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the world cup.

Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies and Pavarotti IS the best of the three tenors,

And it IS pronounced Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta, Broo-SKETTA!!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,

The FIRST nation of soccer,

And the BEST part of Europe!!

My name is Giuseppe!!! AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM AUSTRALIAN!!

G'Day Mate,
I'm not a Jackeroo or 'The Crocodile Hunter', And I don't live in a rusty old shack with a snake in the Outback...
And I only know Johnnie, Jim and Jack in their liquid form,
Although I'm certain they get me really, really pissed.

I'm an Aussie, Not a Kiwi,

And use Tomato Sauce, Not Ketchup
It's pronounced 'G'Day Mate', not 'GER DOI --- MAATE'.

I can proudly wear my country's flag as a pair of boxer shorts or a shirt,
I follow Cricket, NOT Baseball,
RUGBY, NOT Gridiron,
And the Kangaroo is a pest, NOT a pet.

An Esky is a solid plastic box to keep your beer cold, and doubles as a chair,
And I drink 'V.B' and not 'Fosters'. 'VICTORIA BITTER'!!!
Australia is the Largest Island in the World!
The First Nation to laugh at our own mistakes, and the best part of the Southern Hemisphere.

MY NAME IS DAVE!! AND I AM AUSTRALIAN!!!!!!!!

Executive Privileges

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty. "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one." 

When You Have To Go, You Have To Go

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?"
"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."





Courtesy of:http://www.indefual.net/canada/jokes/rant-cnd.htmlhttp://www.vikarsrant.net/Jokes.htmThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)