Health

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health
http://www.health.com/health
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/index-eng.php
http://www.toronto.ca/health
http://www.justanswer.com/sip/Health


Jokes
A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner? "
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"


 A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on her or anything. She might only be in a coma or something."
The vet shrugged, turned and left the room, returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head "no."
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, also shook its head "no," meowed and walked out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, as I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A hundred and fifty dollars just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but ... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... it's $150.00."


Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. 
"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

THE 12 WARNING SIGNS OF GOOD HEALTH*

(If several or more appear, you may rarely need to visit a doctor.)

1. Regular flare-ups of a supportive network of friends and family.

2. Chronic positive expectations.

3. Repeated episodes of gratitude and generosity.

4. Increased appetite for physical activity.

5. Marked tendency to identify and express feelings.

6. Compulsion to contribute to society.

7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.

8. Habitual behavior related to seeking new challenges.

9. Craving for peak experiences.

10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.

11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.

12. Persistent sense of humor.

 

*Adapted from a posting on a computer bulletin board in Wald port, Oregon, author unidentified. Reprinted in Whole Earth Review (Winter 1994), a compendium of brash thinking and lofty ideas.

Cognitive Restructuring
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

STATE OF THE ART MENTAL HEALTH CARE REFORM:

 PUTTING MONEY FIRST - A CAPITAL IDEA

INTRODUCTION:

It used to be that medicine was considered a calling, not a trade. Therapists were able to focus their attention on improving the quality of life for those in their practice. This allowed the remainder of the population to devote their attention to improving the quality of the small pieces of coloured paper in their lives. This was unfortunate, because the pieces of paper themselves were not that unhappy. The current state of mental health funding indicates that the traditional approach needs to be updated. Therapists now need to join the rest of society and give direct attention to the small coloured pieces of paper.

METHOD:

The practices of Psychiatry, Psychology, Social Work and Rehabilitative Medicine have developed light years beyond what was available when most dignitaries were emblazoned on their country's currency. A comprehensive assessment and treatment plan for these individuals would no doubt improve their circumstances.

CASE EXAMPLES:

U.S. $50 - ULYSSES S. GRANT

Ulysses S. Grant, born Hiram Ulysses Grant, changed his name in order to avoid his initials spelling H.U.G., which is unfortunate because he could use one. He is a very heavy smoker and drinker, and as an old soldier clearly could use some exercise - like marching through some 12 Step programs. He needs vocational rehabilitation because up until the time of the Civil War he failed at every job he attempted. Lastly, a dietary consultation would encourage him to improve on his favourite breakfast of cucumber soaked in vinegar.

U.S. $1000 - GROVER CLEVELAND

Grover is the second heaviest president to ever serve office and duly earned the nickname, "Uncle Jumbo." He gave early credence to the hereditary theory of obesity when the "Baby Ruth" chocolate bar was named for his daughter. A behavioural modification program and reducing diet are clearly in order. Leisure counselling is also indicated, as he refused to admit the State of Hawaii to the Union.

U.S. $20 - ANDREW JACKSON

Andrew Jackson, a rough and ready sort, has the nickname "Old Hickory" as much for his toughness as for the way he smells. Not only did he order spittoons for the White House, but single-handily subdued the first would-be presidential assassin with his own cane. He is badly in need of pharmacotherapy for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Additionally, with the wildest and most destructive inauguration on record, he and his gang need psychotherapy for their Group Type Conduct Disorder.

CANADIAN $10 - SIR JOHN A. MACDONALD

Sir John A. MacDonald has been known to tip the bottle on more than a few special occasions. He and his crapulent clan went on a cross-country bender that ended up ordaining them as the Confabulating Fathers of Confederation. A 28 day residential program would suit Sir John nicely. His wife describes him as having pronounced mood swings, thus a mood stabilizer would help even out his manic sprees and depressive frugality. When visiting England to wrest the Dominion of Canada from the Monarchy, he and his merry band shot at the British public with peashooters. Accordingly, an interpretation of the Oedipus Complex would benefit Sir John.

CANADIAN $50 - WILLIAM LYON MACKENZIE KING

King, who conducts seances, regularly speaks to the dead, and feels he is guided directly by God, could clearly be helped by an anti psychotic. He remains unmarried, and counts as his only friends the British mediums who conduct his seances and a series of terriers all named Pat. Social Skills Training would enable him to interact with others in a more appropriate way. He is also a muddle of almost supernatural skill, and would be helped considerably by Assertiveness Training.

CANADIAN $100 - ROBERT BORDEN

Robert Borden, a classic type 'A' workaholic, is a one ulcer man holding down a four ulcer job. His vain efforts in cycling to work do not compensate for his compulsive tobacco chewing. He complains of lumbago, neuritis and sciatica and clearly needs help for his Somatization Disorder. He switched political alliances early in his career to spite his family, and group therapy could help him temper his rebellious instincts.

COMMENT:

The immediate introduction of the various therapeutic modalities listed here is sorely needed. It is hoped that once on the road to recovery, the small coloured pieces of paper will once again exhibit their previous vitality and resume circulation.

How To Get Ahead In Life

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear browsing the web. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together
The Onion | October 12, 2005 | Issue 41•41 

TEMPE, AZ—Area couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the "jag-off whose prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we've been in years."
The Witthausers, married eight years, began visiting Dr. Roger Verbicki, 42, a psychologist and accredited couples counselor, in May after months of strife threatened to end their union. Holding hands and gazing lovingly at each other, they described their first fateful meeting with "the insufferable" Verbicki.

"At the time, we could barely make eye contact," Tom said. "But about halfway through the first session, we started casting these sideways glances, because we just hated this guy. We could both feel it."

"After our first session, I told Becky, 'That guy is so unlikeable, like the way he asked us to call him Dr. Roger,'" Tom said.

"And I said, I hated him too!" Becky said, finishing Tom's sentence. "He was such a putz, like he's Dr. Phil or something. Our buddy. Gonna help us through this. What a loser."

The Witthausers said they can barely maintain their composure during their weekly meetings, due to Verbicki's various mannerisms and affectations. His nasal voice, sallow complexion, stained teeth, elbow-patched corduroy blazers, and affinity for herbal tea are among the traits cited by the Witthausers. Singled out for particular ridicule was Verbicki's tendency to rest his face against his thumb and index finger, and scratch his lower lip.

"I just want to beat the guy up," Tom said.

"And I've really learned to appreciate Tom for that," Becky said.

Tom demonstrated his imitation of Dr. Verbicki, which Becky described as "adorably mean."

"Well, if done in the proper manner, I think it would be very beneficial," said Tom, lampooning Verbicki's frequent use of the phrase "if done in the proper manner" and mispronunciation of the word "beneficial."

The couple laughed and embraced each other.

The Witthausers reported that they started communicating with each other soon after their therapy sessions began, if only to express their revulsion toward their counselor. By spending time together to complain about Verbicki's habits, the couple's romance was rekindled.

"We spent hours walking beside the lake, or drinking wine and listening to music, holding hands, and complaining about the way Dr. Roger's mouth hangs open, or how he taps his knees every time he gets up out of his chair," Becky said, adding that the mutual sentiments helped the couple realize how much they still enjoyed each other's company and how indispensable they were to each other.

"I can't imagine trashing Dr. Roger with any other person, really," Tom said.

Courtesy of:http://www-library.ncifcrf.gov/jokes.aspxhttp://www.bouldertherapist.com/html/humor/Humor.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)