Flattery

Copyright  Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Find the perfect meaning and greeting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flattery

JOkes

With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."
"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.
She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly. 

                       Flattery Will Get You Nowhere

On the way home from a party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"Why no," the flattered husband said

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?" she yelled.

Mike's pick up lines....

If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

Just where do those legs of yours end?

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!

Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them in your thighs?

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 30

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

Is that your date, or did your brother get a new dress?

I bet you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Guy: Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Girl: Why? Guy: I looked at you and dropped mine.

Damn, Sugar, settle down. I'm diabetic.

Have you seen my enormous jar of "Penis Reducing Cream"?

I can't believe I've been hear the entire evening with all these beautiful people and the moment I find 'The One', all I have time to say is "good bye".

When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Pardon me, I don't mean to make a pass, but you must be leavin' the country if you're packin' that much ass.

Are you Jeff's girlfriend? No? Don't you know Jeff? He told me he was dating the MOST PERFECT ANGEL IN TOWN I saw you here and assumed it was you.

Hey baby. I'm single. Do you believe that shit?

 Courtesy of www.freejokes.ca,www.funnyjokes.com,andhttp://cornykaba.blogspot.com/2011/02/flattery-pick-up-lines.html

Thanks ,really thanks to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Wave

Copyright  Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wave

JOkes

THE WAVE

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.  A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry.  She knew what to do.  She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can.  She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom?
While the crowd was doing the wave, two blonds drowned.


The Wave of my Hand


The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.


Courtesy of theunwind.com,www.jokes.com,and www.funnyjokes4me.blogspot.com


Thanks  to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Out of Body.

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011/Tom Wilson

“I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." Shelly Winters

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Out-of-body_experience

http://www.oberf.org

http://www.mcs.ca/vitalspark/2010_conciousness/206ob01.html

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/paranormal11.html

http://www.lucidity.com/NL32.OBEandLD.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6zHbeMhuRA

JOkes

”All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of your energy."
"I should be in charge!" demanded the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral Of The Story: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an a*****e!

Bart: Oh, no. I used Dad's credit card to buy this!Lisa: Yeesh. How much was it?Bart: $350.Lisa: Ooh...
[a ghostly Nelson at Bart's shoulder saying "Ha ha!"]
[at the Kwik-E-Mart, Nelson writhes on the floor]Apu: Oh my God. This boy is having an out-of-body experience. This is
very...bad for business.

Courtesy of theforumsite.com,www.nohomers.net,and thinkexist.com

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Aim

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/aim
http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/aim.html

JOkes
ASAP: as soon as possible

A/S/L: Age/Sex/Location

ATM: At The Moment

BATR: Bouncing Around the Room

BBFCFM: Big Black Furry Creature From Mars

BBS: be back soon

BFF: Best Friends Forever

BIC: Bitch Is Crazy

BRB: be right back

BTGOG: by the grace of God

BTSOOM: beats the shit out of me

BTSOOY: beats the shit out of you

BTW: by the way

BYOB: bring your own beer

DFC: dead fucking center

DMB: Dave Matthews Band

ELOL: evil laugh out loud

FEFY: Fast Enough For You

FLW: Four Letter Word

FMU: from my understanding

FTF: face-to-face

FTR: for the record

FWIW: for what it's worth

FWTW: for what that's worth

FUBAR: fucked up beyond all recognition

FYI: for your information

GA: go ahead

GIAT: give it a try

GMTA: Great minds think alike

GTBT: Good Times Bad Times

GWOS: goes without saying

HAND: have a nice day

HTH: happy to help

HYHU: Hold Your Head Up

IAC: in any case

IAE: in any event

IANAL: i am not a lawyer

IDK: i didn't know

IFIOS :I found it on jokes4us.com

IIH: if it helps

IIWY: if i were you

IMO: in my opinion

IMCO: in my considered opinion

IMHBIO: in my humble but informed opinion

IMHO: in my humble/honest opinion

IMNSHO: in my not so humble opinion

IOW: in other words

IRL: in real life (as opposed to online)

ITA: if that's alright

LAY: laughing at you

LMAO: Laughing my ass off

LOL: laugh out loud

LXL: "limb by limb"

MMGAMOIO: My minds got a mind of its own

NFW: no friggin' (fucking) way

NPC: not politically correct

NRN: no reply necessary

NSTAAFL: no such thing as a free lunch

NBTYRSP: now back to your regularly scheduled program(ming)

OMG: Oh My God

OMT: one more time

OOC: out of control or out of commission

OTC: over the counter

OTN: on the net

OTR: on the road (mobile IM)

OTOH: on the other hand

PITA: pain in the ass

PMITE: "punch me in the eye"

ROTFL: rolling on the floor laughing

ROTFLMAO: rolling on the floor laughing my ass off

RSN: real soon now

SEG: shit-eating grin

SFWM: Stop Fucking With Me

SITD: still in the dark

SIYNE: smilies if you need em

SMD: Suck My Dick

SOB: Son of a Bitch

SSIA: subject says it all

TIA: thanks in advance

TIC: tongue in cheek

TMI: too much information

TTYL: talk to ya later

WMGGW: While My Guitar Gently Weeps

WSP: Widespread Panic

WTF: what the fuck

YEM: You Enjoy Myself

YFL: You Fucking Loser

YHBT: you have been trolled

YHL: you have lost

YYSSW: yeah yeah sure sure whatever


Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"


Courtesy of www.jokes4us.com,and www.ebaumsworld.com

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Anti-social

 Copyright LucyDrumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder
http://www.medicinenet.com/antisocial_personality_disorder/article.htm

JOkes

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

http://lolbyte.com/lol-random/anti-social-networking/


Courtesy of workjoke.com,and 1linejokes.blogspot.com

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Laziness

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laziness

JOkes

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he announced. Will the laziest man please put his hand up.
Nine hands went up.
Why didn't you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.
Too much trouble, came the reply.


While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was howling.

"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."
"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is painful."
"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.
"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"
"Lazy."
"But why does laziness make him howl?"
"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar an' howls 'cause it hurts."

 
"How's times?" inquired a tourist.

"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved me the trouble."
"Fine."
"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the trouble of burnin' it."
"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"
"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and shake the potatoes out of the ground."



Courtesy of www. oldnewjokes.com,and http://short-funny-jokes.blogspot.com/

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Vacation

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vacation

JOkes

A little different
Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."

Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"

Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."

On the roof of the hotel
Trying to tan in the altogether may be the stuff of private dreams. But location is everything, according to Story Jokes. An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?

A: By sucking in their stomach every time a women in a bikini goes by!

5-story hotel
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only", and they go in.

The bouncer explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and they realize that there is still one floor left. They head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here... and there is no way to please a woman."
 
Where are we going?
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Where is this place?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Courtesy of www.luraroski.com and www.ahajokes.com


Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Old Saying

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/English_proverbs
http://www.localhistories.org/sayings.html
http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/gswithenbank/sayindex.htm
http://www.languagehat.com/archives/004292.php
http://www.wiseoldsayings.com/
http://newtontxnetwork.com/tour/oldsay/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKgPY1adc0A

JOkes
Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go

Wrong that one can’t blame on the government.

I try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
 
Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.


My husband, being an astute shopper, as well as an employee at a large local hardware store, keeps an eye on all the closeouts and sales where he works.



One evening he came in the door as usual, we exchanged our usual 'glad to see you' affection, then I noticed that 'i've got a surprise for you' look on his face.


He held up two large sacks filled with items. In the two sacks were eight candle holders for 25 cents apiece, because he knows I love candles.


The other sack contained ten bottles of window cleaner, which closed out for 50 cents each.


I loved the gifts, but was overwhelmed with the quantity so I asked, "Honey! What did you do? Buy everything but the kitchen sink?"


He grinned in his impish way and motioned for me to follow him.


He is so good at that impishness I never know just what will occur next. Full of curiosity and love for my interesting husband, I followed him out to the car.


He slowly opened the truck and low and behold! There was the kitchen sink!


He grinned at me again and told me he couldn't leave such an expensive sink there when it cost next to nothing! I guess I'll have to find a different 'old saying' in the vernacular when it comes to my husband!

 
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled

pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
 


Courtesy of http://www.funnyjoke.wordpress.com,www.all4humor.com,and/ manchestercomedian.blogspot.com

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Older and Wiser

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wise

JOkes

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,

And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart


How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

Hard Of Hearing

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Buying Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

Wise Thoughts...Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him

a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet

and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't

help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?


Dead, adj.: Terminally inconvenienced.
Death, n. : To stop sinning suddenly.

Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. Ambrose Bierce

Immortality: a toy which people cry for, and on their knees apply for, dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud eternally to die for. Ambrose Bierce

Life: 1) a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
2) For Christians: a test before they are allowed to proceed to hell - for Buddhists and Hindus: the time between deaths.
3) Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon
 4) Anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave Barry
5) The confusing period between the confusion of birth and the confusion of death. Rudyh
6) A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. Ambrose Bierce
7) Nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. Bertrand Russell

Youth: the best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor. Euripides



Courtesy of AHAjokes.com,thejokeyard.com,www.otsofjokes.com,and www.rudyj.org

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Believe

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Believe
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/believe
http://www.cracked.com/article_16556_15-images-you-wont-believe-arent-photoshopped.html

J0kes

I Believe...
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

WHAT DO BELIEVE IN, ASKS GOD?

A DCU, a UCD and a Trinity student were in an airplane that crashed, They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses the DCU student first: "What do you believe in?" The DCU Student replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses the UCD student: "What do you believe in?" The UCD student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die....Waaahhh." God thinks for a second and says: "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses the Trinity student. "What do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."


Three ministers were out on a lake fishing one fine afternoon. A Protestant minister, an Episcopalian priest and a Catholic priest. They were sitting out in the middle of the lake and the Protestant minister said he had to relieve himself, so he got out of the boat and walked across the water to shore, relieved himself behind a tree.

Then walked back to the boat. The Episcopalian priest did the same thing. The Catholic priest thought to himself, if they can do it, so can I. So he stepped out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom. The other two looked at each other and one said "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks just under the water?"

Things Republicans Believe
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.


Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Believe/recent#ixzz1RAvfQKmE,www.lifeisajoke.com,and www.about.com/politicalhumor

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)