Arrested

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrest

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/arrest

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2010/06/29/f-morton-faq-arrest-rights.html

http://www.torontopolice.on.ca/whenstopped

http://www.parl.gc.ca/About/Parliament/LegislativeSummaries/bills_ls.asp?Language=E&ls=c26&Parl=41&Ses=1&source=library_prb

http://www.irwinlaw.com/store/product/655/detention-and-arrest

JOkes

Too much speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

I just needed to use your car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

A staged wedding to bust dealers

As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

Huge criminal record

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 10, 1993Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne's arrest record.

You are under arrest!

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!".
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."
The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
"Well!" retorted the police chief.
He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...
"Making an obscene clone fall..."

FBI, CIA and LAPD hunting rabbits

For years now the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD have all been arguing about their incredible arrest records and solved cases. Each claiming to be better than the others. Finally, the president hears about this nonsense argument and takes the top officers of each branch out to the woods. There, the president releases a rabbit. He tells the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD that that is their suspect, and the first to arrest it is the victor.
So the FBI goes out into the forest and plants a bunch of animal informants all over the woods trying to locate this rabbit. After weeks of investigations and tips from forest critters, the FBI can't turn up anything on this alleged rabbit.
With that the CIA goes out into the forest to look for the rabbit. Unable to locate the suspect the CIA claims that there never was a rabbit in the first place and burns down the forest to cover it up.
Finally, the LAPD goes off into the smoldering woods and comes out less than five minutes later with a badly beaten bear screaming, " OK, OK! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!!!"

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/mar035.html

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Arrest

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/advice

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/advice

http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/travel-and-living-abroad/travel-advice-by-country

Advice

Hard as ice

like or dislike

the sight

maybe right

look at the plight

the might

to fight for 

what is right

just strike

to hike

one thought

of flight

to justify 

the right

as

advice

hard as ice

JOkes

Funny Bankruptcy Bible Joke

Jack is very depressed. His business has lost a lot of value in the recession and the stock market has taken another turn for the worse.

Jack’s wife urges him to go and talk to the family priest. Jack reluctantly agrees to make an appointment.

Jack sits down and unburdens himself the spiritual adviser. The priest thinks for a long time, but finally he finds a solution.

“Jack, this is what you need to do. Take your Bible and go somewhere peaceful where you can communicate with the Lord. Sit down and meditate and try to accept the Lord in to your heart. When you have reached inner peace I want you to slowly open your Bible and let the wind ruffle the pages. When the wind stops, look down at the page which the Bible is opened to. There you will find your answer.”

Jack is a bit skeptical, but the priest is serious and Jack decides he doesn’t have anything better to do.

The priest doesn’t see Jack again for a few months. One day, Jack shows up at the church in a fancy car and expensive suit and hands the priest an envelope with a large donation to the church.

“Father, I want to thank you for your excellent advice! I followed your instructions to the letter. When the wind finally stopped blowing it took me awhile to find any message, but then I looked at the bottom of the page. Chapter 11!

I want to take money with me

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

When you know you must really be drunk

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

I suppose I earned enough

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."

Marriage Advice

1.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
2.A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 
3.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 
4.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 
5.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 
6.Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 
7.Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
8.Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 
9.A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
10.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 
11.A woman has the last word in any argument. 
12.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 
13.There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Courtesy of:http://www.familyfriendjokes.com/jokes/life/advice

http://www.ahajokes.com/law043.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/598806/#ThmZl7Z2rVspZWz2.99

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Flattery

Copyright  Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Find the perfect meaning and greeting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flattery

JOkes

With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."
"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.
She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly. 

                       Flattery Will Get You Nowhere

On the way home from a party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"Why no," the flattered husband said

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?" she yelled.

Mike's pick up lines....

If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

Just where do those legs of yours end?

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!

Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them in your thighs?

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 30

You're ugly but you intrigue me.

Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

Is that your date, or did your brother get a new dress?

I bet you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Guy: Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Girl: Why? Guy: I looked at you and dropped mine.

Damn, Sugar, settle down. I'm diabetic.

Have you seen my enormous jar of "Penis Reducing Cream"?

I can't believe I've been hear the entire evening with all these beautiful people and the moment I find 'The One', all I have time to say is "good bye".

When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Pardon me, I don't mean to make a pass, but you must be leavin' the country if you're packin' that much ass.

Are you Jeff's girlfriend? No? Don't you know Jeff? He told me he was dating the MOST PERFECT ANGEL IN TOWN I saw you here and assumed it was you.

Hey baby. I'm single. Do you believe that shit?

 Courtesy of www.freejokes.ca,www.funnyjokes.com,andhttp://cornykaba.blogspot.com/2011/02/flattery-pick-up-lines.html

Thanks ,really thanks to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Anti-social

 Copyright LucyDrumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder
http://www.medicinenet.com/antisocial_personality_disorder/article.htm

JOkes

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

http://lolbyte.com/lol-random/anti-social-networking/


Courtesy of workjoke.com,and 1linejokes.blogspot.com

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Boobs

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

I believe your boobs are about to cause some sort of catastrophe to my eyes.
Unless it is am automatic accident you cannot resist, and just taking you by distraction.
Then again what can you say about boobs?
The article in Mashable  by Jen Mceight aim to prove '' Do boobs cause earthquakes? "
I a m sure Jen apologized in her article , for what stated as a joke for her.
How can we take this so seriously?
I have to agree her article does bring a interesting debate.
The female breast is a marvel. As well as a overrated and exploited to no end to meet the cardinal satisfaction of many.
Never heard of a female boob could create earthquakes,of course to me it has the making of a good joke.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast
http://www.oddee.com/item_96989.aspx
http://www.blaghag.com/2010/04/quick-clarification-about-boobquake.html

Jokes

Define: doggie bra.

It can make pointers out of setters.


What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that

a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.


Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package

and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz,"Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad
you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally,"Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods
cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I
couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some
dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good
pair of hooters."


A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her

right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block
away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks
like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got
closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said,
"Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of
your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness!
I left the baby on the bus!"

Courtesy of Boobdoc.com

Rude

Copyright Lucy Drmuonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudeness

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rude

Jokes

A grandson decides to arrange an escort for his Scottish grandfather's 100th birthday party.

The escort arrives and says to the happy granddad, "Hello pops, I'm here to give you super sex."
Without hesitation the grandfather says, "I'll have the sex please!"

What's the best way to tell if a man is sexually aroused?

Check whether he's breathing.
Courtesy of Funnyfix.com