Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wise
JOkes
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Hard Of Hearing
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
Buying Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
Wise Thoughts...Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
Dead, adj.: Terminally inconvenienced.
Death, n. : To stop sinning suddenly.
Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. Ambrose Bierce
Immortality: a toy which people cry for, and on their knees apply for, dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud eternally to die for. Ambrose Bierce
Life: 1) a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
2) For Christians: a test before they are allowed to proceed to hell - for Buddhists and Hindus: the time between deaths.
3) Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon
4) Anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave Barry
5) The confusing period between the confusion of birth and the confusion of death. Rudyh
6) A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. Ambrose Bierce
7) Nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. Bertrand Russell
Youth: the best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor. Euripides
Courtesy of AHAjokes.com,thejokeyard.com,www.otsofjokes.com,and www.rudyj.org
Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)
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