Things

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

In ode to Canada Day and other things....

I am Canadian
free to speak without fear,
free to worship in my own way,
free to stand for what I think right,
free to oppose what I believe wrong,
or free to choose those who shall govern my country.
This heritage of freedom
I pledge to uphold
for myself and all mankind.
(Extract from the Canadian Billl of Rights)

http://members.shaw.ca/kcic1/canisms.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
http://www.101things.ca/ http://1000awesomethings.com/ http://www.thingsmagazine.net/ http://www.thingsthegame.com/  

JOkes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary
were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog."

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Order a side of pork rinds with your Fillet Mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

don't use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of some one's road maps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over some one's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.



Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact..

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:
You wake up face down on the pavement

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then realize that you don't have a water bed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway

You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat

You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose

Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"

You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.

You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week



Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Courtesy of www.lifeisajoke.com,thejokeyard.com,and www.jokesnjokes.net