Bored

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2014

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boredom
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/boredom
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/boredom
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boredom
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201209/what-is-boredom
http://www.fastcoexist.com/3022134/there-are-5-types-of-boredom-which-are-you-feeling
http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Boredom
http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/bored-to-death.htm

JOKES

Really Bored

Things you can do with absolutely nothing... Push your eyes for interesting light show: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this? See how long you can hold your breath: (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. Try to not think about polar bears: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway. Scratch yourself: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good? Hurt yourself: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain. Try to swallow your tongue: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible. Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes. Get yourself as nauseated as possible: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself"). Things you can do with very little: See what's in your neighbour's trash: (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR. Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way. Call up people who write editorials you disagree with: (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too. Make prank phone calls: (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations. Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you: (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know. Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!! Burn things with a magnifying glass: (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining. Things you can do with another person: Have a water drinking contest: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them. Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work? Have a "Who is less competitive" competition: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose. Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view: (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too. Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on. Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck: (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

Courtesy Of:
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/really_bored.asp


Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Unproductive

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2013

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Productive_and_unproductive_labour

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/unproductive

http://thesaurus.com/browse/unproductive

http://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/unproductive

https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/unproductive

http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/unproductive

http://www.wordreference.com/thesaurus/unproductive

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/unproductive

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204770404577082532864410386.html

"Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" joke

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning
in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time" (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during
their unproductive time.
I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on
my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any
difficulties.
For your timesheets:
Job number Explanation
---
5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 Ordering Out
5310-220 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300 Waiting for End of Day
5310-400 Personal Evacuation
5310-410 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500 Company Drug Policy
5310-510 Recreational Drug Use
5320 Employee Relations
5320-100 Gossip
5320-110 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is not Present
5320-200 Imcompetence
5320-210 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220 Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300 Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310 Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
5320-330 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400 Hazing of Employees
5320-410 Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420 Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430 Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440 Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450 Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460 Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510 Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520 Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530 Sexual Intercourse
5320-540 Flirting
5330 Employee Training
5330-100 Concepts and Procedures
5330-110 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not
Interested in Learning
5330-120 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5340 Procurement
5340-100 Company Goods
5340-110 Stealing Company Goods
5340-120 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
5340-130 Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&M's...)
5340-200 Company Resources
5340-210 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220 Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230 Working on a second job during Company Time
5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100 Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200 Timesheet Entries
5350-210 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220 Organizing Timesheet Entries
5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100 Long-Distance Calls
5360-110 Personal Calls
5360-200 Speaking to a professional
5360-210 Divorce Lawyer
5360-220 Plumber
5360-230 Dentist
5360-240 Doctor
5360-300 Speaking to a contractor
5360-310 Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320 Masseuse
5360-330 House Painter
5360-340 Personal Therapist
5360-350 Mistress
5360-400 Sales Calls
5360-410 Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420 Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430 Software vendors who think the company will spend money to
make your job easier
5360-440 Systems vendors who want to automate your job
5370 Complaints
5370-100 Bitching about:
5370-110 Lousy Job
5370-120 Low Pay
5370-130 Long Hours
5370-140 Coworker
5370-150 Boss
5370-160 Personal Problems

To All EmployeesTo All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation--- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timecard 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading e-mail 8101 Distributing humorous e-mails

Memo From Accounting Department

It has come to our attention recently that many of you
have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts
of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However,
we need to know exactly what you are doing during your
unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended
job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of
precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let
us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
...
Code Description
***
5316 - Useless Meeting
5317 - Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 - Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 - Waiting for Break
5320 - Waiting for Lunch
5321 - Waiting for End of Day
5322 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 - Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While
Coworker is Not Present
5393 - Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not
Interested in Learning
5401 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 - Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 - Buying Snack
5482 - Eating Snack
5500 - Filling Out Timesheet
5501 - Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 - Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 - Scratching Yourself
5504 - Sleeping
5510 - Feeling Bored
5511 - Feeling Horny
5600 - Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 - Complaining About Low Pay
5602 - Complaining About Long Hours
5603 - Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 - Complaining About Boss
5605 - Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 - Not Actually Present At Job
5702 - Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 - Ordering Out
6103 - Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 - Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 - Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 - Stealing Company Goods
6202 - Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company
Goods
6203 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 - Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 - Hiding from Boss
6206 - Gossip
6207 - Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 - Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 - Updating Resume
6212 - Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 - Out of Office on Interview
6221 - Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 - Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 - Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 - Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality
They Are Jerks
6238 - Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 - Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 - Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 - Complaining
6603 - Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 - Staring Into Space
6612 - Staring At Computer Screen
6615 - Transcendental Meditation
6969 - Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 - Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 - Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 - Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 - Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 - Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 - Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 - Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 - Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 - Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 - Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 - Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 - Recreational Drug Use
8001 - No

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Cure for StressAn office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out. 

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

Very BusyA young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" 

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Miscellaneous_Unproductive_Time#ixzz2WhhMNHNC
cesforattorneys.com/index.php?m=05&y=07&entry=entry070523-205435

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Things

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

In ode to Canada Day and other things....

I am Canadian
free to speak without fear,
free to worship in my own way,
free to stand for what I think right,
free to oppose what I believe wrong,
or free to choose those who shall govern my country.
This heritage of freedom
I pledge to uphold
for myself and all mankind.
(Extract from the Canadian Billl of Rights)

http://members.shaw.ca/kcic1/canisms.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
http://www.101things.ca/ http://1000awesomethings.com/ http://www.thingsmagazine.net/ http://www.thingsthegame.com/  

JOkes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary
were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog."

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Order a side of pork rinds with your Fillet Mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

don't use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of some one's road maps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over some one's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.



Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact..

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:
You wake up face down on the pavement

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then realize that you don't have a water bed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway

You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat

You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose

Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"

You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.

You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week



Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Courtesy of www.lifeisajoke.com,thejokeyard.com,and www.jokesnjokes.net