Copyright Lucy Drmuonde 2011.http://www.squidoo.com/romanceandchat#module9645041
Jokes
Shortly after a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
55 Ways To Get Rid of a Bad Date
1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5.Repeat every third third word you say say.
6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11.Order a bucket of lard.
12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13.Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18.Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19.Drool.
20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22.Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24.Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26.Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27.Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28.Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30.Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31.Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32.Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33.Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34.Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35.Auction your date off for silverware.
36.Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37.Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41.Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42.Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44.Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47.Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48.Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50.Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52.Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
53.Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54.Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55.Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Courtesy of squidoo.com and Deeplake.com
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