Therapy

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Therapy

http://www.goodtherapy.org

http://www.therapytorontotherapist.ca

http://spadinatherapycentre.com

http://www.therapyintoronto.com

http://therapytoronto.ca/toronto_psychotherapists.phtml

http://www.ot.utoronto.ca

http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy

https://www.betterhelp.com/

JOkes

Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Patient Likes Sausages
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Emoticons for Psychiatric Med Management

:-)        stable. cont Prozac 40mg. f/u 3 mos.
:-))       reduce Prozac to 20mg. f/u 1mo.
:-))))     d/c Prozac. add lithium 300 tid. check TSH, cretonne, lithium level. f/u 1wk.
:-D       add depakote.  check valproic acid level, Liver Panel, CBC. f/u 1wk.
:-|        stable. cont Prozac 40 mg. f/u 1mo.
:-(        increase Prozac to 60mg. f/u 2wk.
:'-(       add wellbutrin SR 150mg. f/u 1wk.
X-(       call 911. send to ER. check for OD.
:*}       check breathalyzer. refer to AA.
%-}      weekly tox screen. refer to AA/NA.
:-&@?  add haldol 2mg bid.
|-0        d/c ambien.
:-#       d/c elavil. use hard candies.
;-P      d/c haldol. add clozapine. AIMS exam. vitamin E 800 iu bid.
:-)~      reduce haldol. add cogent in to reduce sialorrhea.
;-)        establish boundaries. do not schedule at end of day.
;-x        see with chaperon only.

The Psychiatrist asked the Zen Master:
Psychiatrist: "Tell me great one, how do you deal with neurotics?"
The Zen Master replied: " I get them to where they can't ask any more questions."


Cognitive Restructuring
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY TECHNIQUES

Health Tips for the 90s and Their Microsoft Counterparts

1. STOP DENYING

Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses

and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or

emotionally.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into

unconsciousness.

2. AVOID ISOLATION

Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends

and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is

anathema to agitation and depression.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so

no one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your

productivity.

3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES

If your job, your relationships, a situation, or a person is dragging

you under, try to alter your circumstances or, if necessary, leave.

MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, suppress

these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. (It's free.)

4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE

Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated

intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum

productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind

wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the stock

price.

5. STOP OVER NURTURING

If you routinely take on other people's problems and responsibilities,

learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE responsible

for it all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job description.

6. LEARN TO SAY "NO"

You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means

refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness and lowers

the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at

midnight.

7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH

Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with

friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for

yourself.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone else do

it (see #5).

8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES

Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting,

the essential from the nonessential. You'll conserve energy and time,

and begin to feel more centered.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is

selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the

company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your

priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this and give

them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be taken care of.

9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF

Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy

available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then

begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.

MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Lotus

Marketing Team. Don't be a fool: the only thing that matters is work

and productivity.

10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need

for sleep, or break doctor appointments. Take care of yourself

nutritionally.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the

company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew.

(It's free.)

11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY

Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimumóit changes nothing.

You'll have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time

worrying and more time taking care of your real needs.

MICROSOFT VIEW: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be

very committed to it. We'll find someone who is.

12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR

Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people

suffer burnout when they're having fun.

MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this

with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/p002.html

http://www.bouldertherapist.com/html/humor/Humor.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Willpower

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willpower

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/willpower

http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_000006.htm

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-willpower-paradox

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/self-discipline-willpower

It's a long way

to keep going

just going

long way

way

ward

until one is heard

being stood

lost in the hood

being fooled

misunderstood

its a long way

to the top

 one cannot stop

to knock

on the block

get some chalk

start to walk

don't park

look at your flock

walk away from the mock

keep going

It's a long way 

to the

top

if you wish to roll and rock

take stock

of your flock

not crock

JOkes

Halve Your Cake & Eat It Too

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she had cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”

Willpower

There are these three men that have to cross a large river.
So the first guy goes to the river and says please God give me the strength to cross this river, so he gets huge muscles and swims across.
The next one prays to God and asks for strength and intelligence to cross the river, so he looked around and saw a tree, makes it into a rowboat, and rows ac cross the river.
The third guy says "God give me Strength, Intelligence, and Willpower to cross this river. God turns him into a women, then she looks over - sees a bridge - and crosses it.

Will Power

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant  my potato garden this year. 

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to  be digging up a  garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.                                                                

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

'For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!'   At  4a.m.

The next morning,

A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and a sked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here.'

- Moral Of the Story

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD,

IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT.

IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS. 

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

Courtesy ofhttp://www.jokes-news.com/search/willpower

http://www.funnyandjokes.com/willpower.html

http://jokes4enjoyment.blogspot.ca/2008/09/will-power.html

http://darkjokeshumor.blogspot.ca/2011/01/dark-jokes-will-power.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Life

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life
http://life.time.com


JOkes
THINGS TO PONDER....... 

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?


Aging Fast
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half "....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five! 

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES!!!

But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.....stay over there, it's all slipping away........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday.... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there....into the 90's you start going backwards.... I was JUST 92...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem. The captain’s parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done.  
  The bird says, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “Hey! He’s hiding the flowers under
the table!”
  The magician is enraged.  But it’s the captain’s parrot, so he can’t do anything about it.
  One day on a long cruise, there is an accident.  The ship crashes and sinks.  The magician and the parrot find themselves clinging to the same plank of wood in the middle
of the ocean.  For days neither says anything.  Finally, after a week with no hope in sight,
the parrot says, “Okay, I give up.  Where’s the ship?” 


Jean Paul, a Cajun, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.” “Well then, just give me my money back.” “Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.”
 “OK then, just unload the donkey.”
 “What are you gonna do with him?”
 “I’m gonna raffle him off.”
 “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
 “Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
 A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
 “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.”
 “Didn’t anyone complain?” “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”
















Courtesy of:http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/149.html
http://laughwithlife.net/jokes.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Hate

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatred

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hate

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hate

There are many things one may have a total aversion to certain situations,objects or life in general.Hatred can result in extreme behaviour including violence,murder,and war.

Challenge is to learn to love,understand and accept.

Who ever said it would be easy.

JOkes

10 Things That Piss Me Off!by: George Carlin

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "Its always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at fucking ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole. You fucking pulled me over.

• You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
• Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
• Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
• Talk is cheap, but that's OK, so are you.
• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

• Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
• Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
• I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
• I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
• What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

• You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
• Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
• You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

Courtesy of:http://www.desolation.org/hate/jokes/10things.html land http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/one_liner_jokes/sarcastic_quotes

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER