Cunted

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cunted

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cunted

When brain cells die due to much alcohol or drugs consumption, one can doubtly be having an altered state of mind.

JOkes

Two Deaf Guys in a Pub.

Two deaf guys walk into a pub in Burnley.
One gives his mate a twenty pound note and says:
"You get the drinks in. I'll find us a seat."
So the guy goes to the bar and orders two pints of lager. The barman serves him and gives him two pounds change.
"What's this?" the deaf guy asks, looking at his change. "You charge nine pounds a pint in here these days?"
"Nah," the barman says. "We've got a live band in tonight. There's a £5 cover charge. You and your mate, that's a tenner."
"Live band?"
"Live band," the bartender confirms.
"What, rock and roll, Indie, hip-hop, grunge...?"
"Country and Western," the barman replies.
"Ri-ight..." the deaf guy says as he takes the drinks.
He rejoins his mate. Puts the drinks on the table.
"Where's me change?" the friend asks.
He gets handed the two quid.
"What? They charge nine quid a fuggin pint in here now do they? What's the crack?"
"They've got a band on. £5 cover charge."
"A band?"
"Oh yes."
"What? Rock n roll, Indie, hip hop, grunge?"
"Nah,"
"What then?"
"Some cunt from Preston."

My good buddy Mac from Aberdeen Scotland told me this one. It's much better told live.

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn"t want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I"ll have to call you back. I"ve got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."


There was a promiscuous young couple making love in the back seat of their car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting intense, and finally the girl gasped, "Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells!"

So he drove her Ireland!

A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven."Hey, what"s going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter."Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies."No, no this isn"t right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away.""Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter."No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim."Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him."Jesus, I don"t understand what"s going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Would you like a capuccino?""No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now.""Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears."Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.The muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don"t get what"s happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!""Would you like a capuccino?""Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I"ll have a fucking capuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.

Long but worth whileWhen you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don"t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don"t know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I"d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn"t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down Robert"s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with him, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You"re a Cunt!" and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word "Cunt" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I"d call him up and yell, "You"re a Cunt!" It always cheered me up.When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I"m calling to see if you"re familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That"s because you"re a Cunt!"One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I"d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I"d better call the Land Rover Cunt, too.I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It"s a terraced house, and the car"s parked right out in front.""What"s your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When"s a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I"m home most days as I"m currently unemployed.""Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you"re a Cunt!"Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called Cunt #1."Hello?""You"re a Cunt!" (But I didn"t hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked."Yeah," I said."Stop calling me," he screamed."Make me," I said."Who are you?" he asked."My name is Steve Hansen.""Yeah? Where do you live?""I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."He said, "I"m coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I"m really scared, Cunt," and hung up.Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said."Hello, Cunt," I said.He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...""You"ll do what?" I said."I"ll kick your arse," he exclaimed."Well, Cunt, here"s your chance. I"m coming over right now."Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street , Ilford.I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street . I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.Now I feel MUCH better.

Courtesy of

http://www.thespoof.com/jokes/joke.cfm?joke=5660

http://hahas.co.uk/cunt
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