Company

Copyright lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Company
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Company_(military_unit)
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/company
Jokes


On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

YOUR JOB COULD SUCK EVEN MORE Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

UNIVERSAL RESUME TRANSLATOR >"I'm willing to relocate": > I've just been evicted again. >"I have a stable personal life": > Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is. >"I'm extremely professional": > I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee. >"My background and skills match your requirements": > At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone. > - - - - - >"I am adaptable": > I've changed jobs a lot. >"I am always on the go": > I'm never at my desk. >"I'm highly motivated to succeed": > The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here. >"I have formal training": > My probation officer says I'm a natural student. >"I interact well with all co-workers": > All those sexual harassment charges were a sham. >"I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience": > I'm always making personal telephone calls. >"I look forward to hearing from you soon": > Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form > letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in > my future career.

THE PROCRASTINATOR'S CALENDAR

Neg	Fri	Fri	Fri	Thu	Wed	Tue
8	7	6	5	4	3	2
16	15	14	12	11	10	9
23	22	21	20	19	18	17
32	30	28	27	26	25	24
39	39	37	36	35	34	33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd. 2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays. 3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs. 5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. 6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

	Far exceeds job standards	Exceeds job standards	Meets job standards	Needs some improvement	Does not meet minimum standards
Quality	Leaps tall buildings in a single bound	Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings	Can only leap over a short building with no spires	Crashes into building when attempting to jump over them	Cannot recognize buildings at all, not to mention jump.
Timeliness	Is faster than a speeding bullet	Is as fast as a speeding bullet	Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet	Would you believe a slow bullet	Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot gun
Initiative	Is stronger than a locomotive	Is stronger than a bull elephant	Is stronger than a bull	Shoots the bull	Smells like a bull
Adaptability	Walks on water consistently	Walks on water in emergencies	Washes with water	Drinks water	Passes water in emergencies
Communication	Talks with God	Talks with angels	Talks to himself	Argues with himself	Loses those arguments

ACTUAL JOB INTERVIEW COMMENTS Vice presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are the results ! A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. ( I wonder if she offered to share any of the fries ) Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer. ( Maybe a wee bit too anxious ) Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. ( Why not just get the logo shaved into the back of your head? ) Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought a large dog to the interview. ( I suppose for moral support? ) Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.( Breaking in new sneakers perhaps?) Candidate dozed off during interview. ( They must have been applying with IBM - Did I just say that ? ) The employers were also asked to list the most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" ( I dunno.....maybe WORK ) "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" ( ......a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind ) "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" ( I gotta try that one sometime ! ) "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?' Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. ( I'll sleep MUCH better now ! ) At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. ( Good. Remain unemployed so you go broke. Then you can live outside forever. ) Sometimes I feel like smashing things. ( Give the new Michael Jackson album a try. ) Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. ( Don't worry........I'm not going there. I'll keep those comments to myself. ) Once a week, I usually feel hot all over. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex. ( So, where's the problem !!??!! ) People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct. ( Well, at least .........forget it. I wasn't going to say anything. ) I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. ( I'm also very modest. ) I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles. ( in fact, I know a few women, not just the one. ) If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. ( All Nixon did wrong was get caught ) My legs are really hairy. I think I'm going to throw up.

MANAGEMENT TEST The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager." 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ? Wrong Answer :Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.  According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.

RESUMES & COVER LETTERS These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: The spelling is exactly the way it appeared in the magazine. 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 5 . "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist.But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 19. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job- hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often.Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

WHY EXECUTIVES MAKE MORE MONEY

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer and scientist knows:
Work/Time = Power
Since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: 
Work/Knowledge = Money
Thus: as Knowledge approaches zero,
Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

WHAT'S YOUR (BUSINESS) SIGN ? 1.MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager." 8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title) 9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...thus the term "GO POSTAL".

Courtesy of:

http://funehumor.com/fun_doc4/fun_0472.shtmlThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)