Lecture

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lecture

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lecture

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lecture

http://www.thelastlecture.com

JOKes

A lecture about English A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." 

Right And WrongTeacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.

Teacher: Is the sum right?

First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.

I'm going to a lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Courtesy ofhttp://www.ahajokes.com and http://bootstrike.com

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Nervous

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nervous

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nervous

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nervous

JOkes

Nervous priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his
door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

NERVOUS NEWLYWEDS

A young couple decided to wed.  As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone,
not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask
his father for advice. 

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and
I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with
her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is
truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my
fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed
and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy
eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find
that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without
thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Courtesy of:http://humorsection.blogspot.com/2006/06/jokes-nervous-preist.html andhttp://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes_157.htm

Indecisive

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/indecisive
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/indecisive
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/indecisive
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-indecision
http://www.btinternet.com/~knutty.knights/indecision.html

JOkes
My friends keep telling me I'm too indecisive
And I am not sure how i feel about it.


I used to be indecisive but I am really not sure.


Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side...er, no — to go shopping...no, not that either...














Courtesy of:http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/k43dr/my_friends_keep_telling_me_im_too_indecisive,
http://www.jokebuddha.com/Indecisive,andhttp://www.jokesjoke.com
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

You

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You
http://encyclopediadramatica.ch/You
JOkes
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLDPQQK8MJI

How are you feeling?Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"


Lovely pick up lines.
Can I try a few pickCan I try a few pick up lines on you? [give some good ones and some lame ones] OK, I have just one more line for you:
You're so hot, your ass is on fire
Can I stir your drink? Mind if I use my dick?
Hey baby... drop that zero and get with the hero in other words... you better come with me.
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
So, you're a girl huh?
Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.


Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/farm025.html andhttp://linesthataregood.com/lame.html

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Free Will

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_will

http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/freewill

http://www.iep.utm.edu/freewill

http://www.rep.routledge.com/article/V014

JOkes

Monty Python and philosophy

http://www.philosophyblog.com.au/monty-python-and-philosophy-galaxy-song-bruces-sketch-philosophers-drinking-song-philosophers-international-football-match

Mackie the Knife.

 Fictional gangster with no respect for moral values.
"On the sidewalk, Sunday morning
Lies a moral realist oozing life
Someone's sneaking round the corner
Is the someone Mackie the knife?" 

Word of Advice

One fine afternoon a man was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local lolly shop. As he approached, he realised it was his neighbour’s kid - Little Johnny. 

The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: "You know, Johnny, it's not healthy to eat all those lollies."
Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts "You know, my grandad lived to be 96 years old."
"Oh," the man replied, "did he eat a lot of lollies?"
"Nope," retorted Little Johnny, "he minded his own damn business!"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

Courtesy of:http://www.philosophyblog.com.au/philosophy-jokes-philosophers-humour 

http://www.jokesy.com

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Idiot

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiot
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/idiot
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/idiot

JOkes
Stupid people fearing
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) 

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blond. 

What is intelligence?Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Quotes from stupid 01

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swagger's latest sex scandal 

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.


GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. 










 Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/dum17.html andhttp://www.ahajokes.com/idiot_joke_of_the_day.shtml

Body

Copyright  Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body

JOkes
The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook on it.
I've just plucked my eyebrows, I think they are out of tune.
I had my neck removed six years ago and I've never looked back since.


Allie A., age 10, Connecticut
Have you seen the movie “Constipated?”

No, it hasn’t come out yet!
A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.
 The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".
 After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said,
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body".

Courtesy of:http://short-jokes-quotes.com,http://www.jokesbykids.com/health-and-body and
 http://www.ajokeaday.com
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Sociopath

Copyright Lucy Dumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociopathy
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Sociopath/764547
JOkes

What do you call a sociopath from a rich family?

Q. What do you call a sociopath from a rich family?
A. Mr. President!

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


http://unsourcedhumor.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-sociopath.html


One Way To Know YOU Know A 'Sociopath.'
"... I am NOT crazy, or a SOCIOPATH! And IF you tell decide to tell anyone? OR, SAY THAT AGAIN! You WILL REGRET IT.. I WILL ruin you."
I only know cos i used to worked FOR them. HA HA!!!


Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Sociopath#ixzz1leBUKRiw,http://www.inspirational-quotes-short-funny-stuff.com/best-one-line-and http://jokes.topstuff.net/joke/2oPxra8ByQw

Garbage

 Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waste

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garbage_collection_(computer_science)

JOkes

I recently asked a friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," my friend replied.
I had to think about that one for a moment! "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." I finally managed to reply.
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" 

Taking Out the Garbage
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fand cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".






Courtesy of:http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com/jokes-garbagecareer.html and http://www.ebaumsworld.com,
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Gas station

 

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Gas_stations_in_Canada
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filling_station

JOKes
Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change? He drove her to the corner gas station.


Gasoline Jokes
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.All in favour of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, “Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.”
For our vacation this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

Gas Station Humour

I stopped in at the local gas station for something to drink and when I approached the register, the employee promptly asked me, "Do you have gas?" I answered him with a puzzled look on my face. "Isn't that a rather personal question?"






Courtesy of: http://www.danggoodjokes.com/mooving,http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/05/31/funny-jokes-gasoline-jokes,and http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=C4WDO&Funny_Jokes=Gas_Station_Humor
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)