Nervous

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nervous

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nervous

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nervous

JOkes

Nervous priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his
door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

NERVOUS NEWLYWEDS

A young couple decided to wed.  As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone,
not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask
his father for advice. 

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and
I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with
her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is
truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my
fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed
and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy
eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find
that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without
thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Courtesy of:http://humorsection.blogspot.com/2006/06/jokes-nervous-preist.html andhttp://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes_157.htm