Croak

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/croak
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/croak
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/croak

JOkes

What does a frog say when it sees something' great?

Toadly awesome!


What do you call a frog with no legs?
It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.

What does a bankrupt frog say?
"Baroke, baroke, baroke."


A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor leaps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"


The frog looks down and replies: "I dun no Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!"



What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?
A prince.

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog ?

A croaker spaniel !

What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?

A prince.

What do frogs do with paper?

Rip-it!

How do you apologize to a witch?
Ribbit!


How deep can a frog go?
Knee-deep Knee-deep!


A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?"

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.


As she is sitting on granddad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"


"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."


The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"


And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"





Courtesy of: :http://www.frogsvilleusa.com,
http://allaboutfrogs.org/funstuff/jokes/liners.html
http://nursefriendly.posterous.com/croak-like-a-frog-childrens-jokes-getting-old
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Notice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Notice
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/notice
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/notice

JOkes






Just a weeeeeeeee bit, not that you'd even notice joke



An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.


With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.


The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."


The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."


The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.


"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."


The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.


Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her." Reply With Quote


Notice of Revocation of Independence

To the residents of the United States of America,


In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at Five O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.


Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."


2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.


Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.


7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.





Courtesyof:http://www.guysports.com,http://www.thecomputermechanics.com,andhttp://politicalhumor.about.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Supermarket

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supermarket
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_supermarket_chains
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_supermarket_chains_in_Canada

JOkes

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
 
THE customer ahead of me at the supermarket checkout counter had written a check for her purchases and was waiting for the clerk to package them. Instead, citing "company policy," he asked her for identification. The shopper looked astounded, then finally managed to say, "But David, I'm your mother!"

TWO armed robbers stormed into a grocery store where a man and his stingy friend were shopping. As the robbers began searching the patrons for money, the man felt a nudge. "Take this," his pal whispered. "Don't give me a gun," the man whispered back. "I don't want to be a hero." "It's not a gun — it's that twenty-five dollars I owe you."


AT THE supermarket where I worked, I was changing prices when a customer came down the aisle, picked up my price marker and placed it in her shopping cart. "Young man," she said, "I'll give it back to you after I'm safely through the check-out counter."

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."








Courtesy of:http://millennium.fortunecity.com and http://www.becquet.ca/laughter/79.htm
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Yelling

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yelling
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/yelling

JOkes

Why are you Yelling?

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonds laying sod across the street.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."


 

Courtesy of:.http://www.funnyandjokes.com,http://jokes.smashits.com,and http://www.onelinerz.net
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Thanksgiving

Copyrighr Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thanksgiving
http://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/canada/thanksgiving-day

 JOkes


A geek's list of thanks
1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!


A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"


Rich people eat what on thanksgiving?

Answer: 14 karats [carrots]

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Answer: To get to the other side.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas




Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com and http://www.theholidayspot.com/
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Wit

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wit

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wit_(play)

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wit

J0kes

Sayings that should be on buttons

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Do I look like a freaking people person?
I started out with nothing and still have must of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
I like cats, too. Let's exchanges recipes.
Suburbia: where they tear out trees and then name streets after them.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Answering Machine message:

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone
right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android
duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I
wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
...it was tied to a zebra crossing!
...the road led to a Catholic church!
...it was tired of fowling the sidewalk!
...it was stuck to my nearside tire!
...it was playing chicken with the traffic!




Courtesy of :http://www.msxnet.org/humour,http://www.majon.comandhttp://www.wilywalnut.com

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Strong

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strong
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strong_interaction

JOkes

Be Strong
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Strong Man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "all right, get in."

Courtesy of :http://www.ebaumsworld.comandhttp://www.funnyjoke.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Swallow

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swallowing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swallow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VryQDsx5Ad8
JOkes
Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Swallowed Whole
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade.
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy,a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.




Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,http//www.ebaumsworld.com,and http://geaky.com
 Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Suspended

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suspended
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suspended_sentence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suspended_chord
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/suspended

JOkes
Suspension...it sucks to be smart.

one day i was thinking...i shoul write down soem jokes i chose to write witty funny phrases...by the end of the school day i got suspended don't say stuff like "ambition is a poor excuse for not having the sense to be lazy" to your teacher when u skip homework.

Suspended license

One time a blond asked another blond to drive for her.she accepted.then the blond who was driving said hey why didn't you drive.the blond who wasn't driving replied i got my license suspended.the blond who was driving asked what did you do.the other blond replied i tied it to the roof of the car and it just stood there suspended.





Courtesy of: http://www.funny.com%20and/ http://www.ebaumsworld.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Explode

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Explosion
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/explode
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/explode

JOkes
My High School science courses were similarly interesting.

We had a Science 10 teacher who wasn't usually much for science. As a demonstration, he dropped a blob of sodium into a pan of water. Very impressive. Especially when, with a "pop" the sodium exploded in front of the teacher. He did the demo for the next block with a much smaller piece of sodium...
Another good one was our Chem 12 teacher, who left some disgusting, viscous black mixture on his lab table at the front of the class. We were all busy at our desks, when all of a sudden there was a huge, loud "POP!" and the sucker exploded! Blew black goo up to the ceiling, over the front desks, down to the floor. The stuff on the ceiling never did come off, and some of the students would no longer sit in the front row.


Homer Simpson's Words of WisdomI saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."



You know you're trailer trash when...
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

2004 Darwin awards
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.


Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.


Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.


The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.






Courtesy of :http://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nlandhttp://www.funny-city.com

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)