Heredity

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

An old pair of genes can never fade out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heredity
http://www.nature.com/hdy/index.html
http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/begin/traitt
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/genome/heredity.html

JOkes

What do you call it when a baker tests a new pie recipe that he wants to see if it will work or not?

A pie-apotheosis!

All the physicists are playing hide and seek. Einstein is the ‘den’ and stands against the wall with his eyes closed and counts till 100 to enable all the physicists to run and hide. At the count of 100 Einstein turns around and finds Newton standing there.

He screams, “Newton, you are out!” Newton says, “No, I ‘m not!”
Einstein says, “Yes, you are. I can see you here in front of me”.
Newton says, “I’m not out. Pascal is.”
Einstein is a bit confused and starts to scratch his head and beard.
Newton says “Here, Let me explain”
He draws a square one meter by one meter on the floor and stands in the middle of it and says,
“Newton per meter square is a Pascal, so it’s Pascal who’s out not me”
 
Knock Knock

Who's there?
Hurricane.
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you run away from the storm?
Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

This sign was hung up in a physics / electricity room

"Hangin' With My Ohmies"

i to π: Be rational.

π to i: Get real.

My own thoughts on the process: As you trace your ancestors further back in time, records become more difficult to find, more difficult to read and contain less useful information. You know you have finished your family tree when you can no longer find any records, when you find them you can't read them, and when you read them they contain no information.

First a selection of one-liners kindly supplied by Ernest Bullimore.

My family coat of arms ties at the back... is that normal?
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap.
I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
I'm searching for myself; have you seen me?
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
Never mind the children, do you know where your -Gr-Gr-Grandparents are tonight?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but we love it.
Genealogists are time unravelers.
Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... we seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
"Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
I'm always late. My relatives arrived in America on the JUNE flower.
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards as progress.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
Genealogists live in the past lane.
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.
All right! Everybody out of the gene pool!
Always willing to share my ignorance...
Documentation... The hardest part of genealogy.
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards.
I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!

Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!





Courtesy of:http://www.juliantrubin.com/aboutjoke.html andhttp://www.jimella.nildram.co.uk/genejoke.htm,andhttp://www.cleanjoke.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mirror

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror

JOkes

Lipstick at School


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.


To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...



A woman tells the doctor: "I looked in the mirror and my hair was all frazzled,my skin was wrinkled, my eyes were bloodshot and my face looked corpse-like. What's wrong?"

The doctor looks at her for a minute, then says: "Well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."








 Courtesy of:source: http://www.jokebuddha.com andhttp://funnyjokes4me.blogspot.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Name

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name
http://www.behindthename.com/
http://www.babynames.com/
http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/
http://namecanada.net/site
http://www.kabalarians.com/

JOkes
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the
ages.
Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"
Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."





Courtesy of:http://jokes4all.net/names.html
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

True

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True

JOkes

The following is supposedly a true story.
Did you understand me?
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"


Wrong place wrong time
Rory Johnson, 29, was arrested in May for a liquor store robbery in Elkhart, Ind. Johnson had parked in the back of the store to facilitate his getaway but had trouble exiting because of congestion due to road construction. Five minutes after the robbery, he was sitting in his car, having moved only a few feet, and liquor store employees pointed him out to police.


Writing to Grandma
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike

Unsanitary conditions
Wednesday, October 21, 1992
The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.
The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.
Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."


You aren't the worst
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.


A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to
his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing."
To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"



Courtesy of: www.ahajokes.com.
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mark

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark

JOke


 Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"




Courtesy of:http://answers.yahoo.com

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Jailbreak

          Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IOS_jailbreaking
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/jailbreak
http://cellphones.about.com/od/glossary/f/jailbreak_faq.htm

JOkes
Whats a bunch of white people running down a hill?a avalanche. Whats a bunch black people running down a hill?a mudslide. Whats a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?

A jail break !

Jailbreak
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.


The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."





Courtesy of: http://www.funny.com/ and http://www.nissanexa.com
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Motion Sickness

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_sickness
http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_condition_info_details.asp?disease_id=183&channel_id=40&relation_id=55627
http://www.medicinenet.com/motion_sickness/article.htm
http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/neurological-conditions/how-to-deal-with-motion-sickness.htm
JOkes
Motion sickness

Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Santa says.
"Thought...?" Banta asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Santa says.
"Wasn't that love?" Banta asks.
"No, that was obsession," Santa explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Banta.
"No, that was lust," Santa replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Banta.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Santa replies.

Seasick
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed. 
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"




Courtesty of :http://www.santabanta.com/jokes.asp?catid=6264 and http://www.jokes.com/
Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Motivation

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Please tell me ..were can one find the energy?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motivation
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/motivation
http://www.motivation-tools.com/elements/seven_rules.htm
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/21-proven-motivation-tactics/
http://www.motivation123.com/
http://humor.about.com/od/jokesarchivesa/a/motivational_qu.htm

JOkes

Two Frogs in a Pit – Amazing Moral Story!

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that there’s no way to survive. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.


The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.


He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs were in shock and said, “Did you not hear us?!”


The frog explained to them that he is partially deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
This story teaches us two lessons:


1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.


2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.


Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words, it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.


Believe in Yourself – Very Motivational Story
A business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out. Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park thinking if anything could save his Company from bankruptcy. Suddenly an old man appeared before him. “I can see that something is troubling you”, he said. After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said, “I believe I can help you”. He asked the man his name, wrote out a cheque, and pushed it into his hand saying, “Take this money.


Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time”. Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. The business executive saw in his hand a cheque for $500,000, signed by John D.Rockefeller, one of the richest men in the world. “I can erase my money worries in an instant”, he thought.


Nevertheless, the executive decided to put the cheque in his safe first. He thought, just knowing it was there, would give him the strength to work out a way to save his business. With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and got extended terms of payment from c lose some big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.


Exactly a year later, he returned to the park with that uncashed cheque. The old man did not appear for some time yet the business executive decided to wait for a while more. A while later the old man came along but seemed unmindful of the business executive. He stopped the old man and was about to hand over the cheque with a few words of thanks as well as share his success story. At the same time, he saw a nurse come running up and grabbing the old man. “I’m so glad I caught him”, she cried. “I hope he hasn’t been bothering you. He’s always escaping from the rest home and telling he is Rockefeller.” And she led the old man away by the arm.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him. Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his new found self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after. He understood that confidence is nothing but the distant vision held positively no matter what comes in between. It comes from one’s own commitment and dedication and is entirely internal.

The Mother of All Excuses Place
There are literally thousands of excuses to be found on these pages compiled by Madtbone Inc. Many are witty. Some are reasonable.


•"I have a friend who told our boss that he needed to leave work because his uncle was dying and he needed to beat his cousin to the power tools."


•"I'm sorry I was late for work, but when I was getting ready to brush my teeth, I squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube and it took me a long time to get it all back in."


•"I won't be in today. ... My hair wont start."


Categories include excuses for Work, Kids, Doctors, Police, Church, Breaking Dates, Weddings, Diets, Taxes, Debt, Sex, Rent, School, and Jury Duty
http://humor.about.com/od/top10lists/p/motherallexcuse.htm
http://www.bestfakedoctornotes.com/

Courtesy of: http://www.funnyfunnyjokes.org/tag/motivation/,http://forum2.aimoo.com

Thanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Seen

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Believe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbXiECmCZ94

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v0o27BPIIk

JOkes

The Longest Duck joke.

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested." He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck." "Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying... When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead." She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife." Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy! He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!""Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"

How can I believe in God when just last week. ....

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? " by Woody Allen.

never before seen jokes-totally unrelated...

1)you can study and get any certificate but you cannot get death certificate

2)you can expect a bus from a bus stop but you cannot expect a full from a full stop
3)you can find a key in a key board but you cannot find a mother in a motherboard
4)you can find a tea in a tea cup but you cannot find a world in a world cup

Courtesy of: source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/ andhttp://www.mylot.comThanks... to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)