Company

Copyright lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Company
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Company_(military_unit)
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/company
Jokes


On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

YOUR JOB COULD SUCK EVEN MORE Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

UNIVERSAL RESUME TRANSLATOR >"I'm willing to relocate": > I've just been evicted again. >"I have a stable personal life": > Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is. >"I'm extremely professional": > I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee. >"My background and skills match your requirements": > At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone. > - - - - - >"I am adaptable": > I've changed jobs a lot. >"I am always on the go": > I'm never at my desk. >"I'm highly motivated to succeed": > The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here. >"I have formal training": > My probation officer says I'm a natural student. >"I interact well with all co-workers": > All those sexual harassment charges were a sham. >"I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience": > I'm always making personal telephone calls. >"I look forward to hearing from you soon": > Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form > letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in > my future career.

THE PROCRASTINATOR'S CALENDAR

Neg	Fri	Fri	Fri	Thu	Wed	Tue
8	7	6	5	4	3	2
16	15	14	12	11	10	9
23	22	21	20	19	18	17
32	30	28	27	26	25	24
39	39	37	36	35	34	33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd. 2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays. 3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs. 5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. 6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

	Far exceeds job standards	Exceeds job standards	Meets job standards	Needs some improvement	Does not meet minimum standards
Quality	Leaps tall buildings in a single bound	Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings	Can only leap over a short building with no spires	Crashes into building when attempting to jump over them	Cannot recognize buildings at all, not to mention jump.
Timeliness	Is faster than a speeding bullet	Is as fast as a speeding bullet	Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet	Would you believe a slow bullet	Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot gun
Initiative	Is stronger than a locomotive	Is stronger than a bull elephant	Is stronger than a bull	Shoots the bull	Smells like a bull
Adaptability	Walks on water consistently	Walks on water in emergencies	Washes with water	Drinks water	Passes water in emergencies
Communication	Talks with God	Talks with angels	Talks to himself	Argues with himself	Loses those arguments

ACTUAL JOB INTERVIEW COMMENTS Vice presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are the results ! A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. ( I wonder if she offered to share any of the fries ) Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer. ( Maybe a wee bit too anxious ) Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. ( Why not just get the logo shaved into the back of your head? ) Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought a large dog to the interview. ( I suppose for moral support? ) Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.( Breaking in new sneakers perhaps?) Candidate dozed off during interview. ( They must have been applying with IBM - Did I just say that ? ) The employers were also asked to list the most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" ( I dunno.....maybe WORK ) "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" ( ......a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind ) "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" ( I gotta try that one sometime ! ) "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?' Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. ( I'll sleep MUCH better now ! ) At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. ( Good. Remain unemployed so you go broke. Then you can live outside forever. ) Sometimes I feel like smashing things. ( Give the new Michael Jackson album a try. ) Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. ( Don't worry........I'm not going there. I'll keep those comments to myself. ) Once a week, I usually feel hot all over. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex. ( So, where's the problem !!??!! ) People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct. ( Well, at least .........forget it. I wasn't going to say anything. ) I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. ( I'm also very modest. ) I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles. ( in fact, I know a few women, not just the one. ) If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. ( All Nixon did wrong was get caught ) My legs are really hairy. I think I'm going to throw up.

MANAGEMENT TEST The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager." 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ? Wrong Answer :Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.  According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.

RESUMES & COVER LETTERS These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: The spelling is exactly the way it appeared in the magazine. 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 5 . "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist.But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 19. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job- hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often.Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

WHY EXECUTIVES MAKE MORE MONEY

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer and scientist knows:
Work/Time = Power
Since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: 
Work/Knowledge = Money
Thus: as Knowledge approaches zero,
Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

WHAT'S YOUR (BUSINESS) SIGN ? 1.MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager." 8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title) 9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...thus the term "GO POSTAL".

Courtesy of:

http://funehumor.com/fun_doc4/fun_0472.shtmlThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Talk

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/talk
http://www.ted.com/talks
http://www.weetalk.net
http://www.talktocanada.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0uqLM1uj_k
JOKES
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the 
 sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Crazy people talkA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Talk to the judge
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"








Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)
Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,law086.html://www.ahajokes.com,p011.html://jokes4all.net/talking.html

Sleep

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep
http://www.helpguide.org/life/sleeping.htm
http://www.canadiansleepsociety.com
http://www.journalsleep.org
http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/howto.html
Jokes

'Doctor, doctor, how can I cure myself of sleepwalking?' 'Put drawing-pins on the bedroom floor.' 'Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.'  'Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you'll soon drop off.' 'Doctor, doctor, I haven't slept for days.' 'Why not?' "Because I sleep at night!' A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “I know” said the man, “but I can`t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.” An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem! I make a mistake and spend 3 hours trying to find it.” Sleeping on the job Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"  Courtesy of:http://www.scatty.com/jokes/other/bedtime_jokes.html,http://www.sleepjunkie.com/sleep-jokes,andhttp://www.ahajokes.com/off39.html Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Failure

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Failure
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/failure
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/failure
Jokes

50 Ways to fail an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh gee, better get cracking," and scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a video game. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a bad case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. You could threaten the instructor that whether or not every one's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.
26. At some point during the exam, start crying for mommy.
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Jeopardy'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'The Bridge on the River Kwai'.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.
41. Wrestle mania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.
44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."

The Least Successful Piano Recital

        THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL PIANO RECITAL

        Early in the 1970s a promising American pianist gave a concert in
the chamber music room of the Erewan Hotel in Bangkok.  The recital was only
a few minutes old when the artist discovered that due to the climate's
excessive humidity the D key of the treble clef began to stick repeatedly.
As luck would have it, his programme comprised Bach's D minor Toccata and
Fugue and his prelude and Fugue in D major.

        The reviewer in the Bangkok Post also noted that there was a problem
with the piano stool which had been so enthusiastically greased that during
one of the more vigorous sections the pianist suddenly found himself
swivelling round to face the audience.

        Abandoning the Toccata in D minor, he moved on to Liszt's Fantasia
in G minor, at which point the G key of the bass clef also stuck.  To try
and free the notes the virtuoso started kicking the lower section of the
piano with his foot with the result that the piano's right leg soon gave way
and the whole instrument tilted through 35 degrees.

        At this point he rose, bowed and left the stage to audience
applause.  When he returned he had in his hand a fire axe with which he
began to demolish the piano.

        On hearing the resounding crash which followed, the ushers came
rushing in and, with the help of the hotel manager, two watchmen and a
passing policeman, finally succeeded in disarming the man and dragging him
off stage.

"The Game"

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Courtesy of:http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/failexam.html,http://terhune.net/jokes/se10097.html

http://www.1000ventures.com/fun/fun_success_failure_j.htmlThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Majority

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Majority
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/majority
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/majority
Jokes

Majority rule

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?""So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." Biggest misconception of our times:- Majority of Blackberry users are jobless and its still called a Business phone.. Isaac Asimov, familiar to many as a noted scientist and author, once told a hilarious story about a Rabbi Feldman who was having trouble with his congregation. It seemed they could agree upon nothing. The president of the congregation said, "Rabbi, this cannot be allowed to continue. Come, there must be a conference, and we must settle all areas of dispute once and for all." The rabbi agreed. At the appointed time, therefore, the rabbi, the president, and ten elders met in the conference room of the synagogue, sitting about a magnificent mahogany table. One by one the issues were dealt with and on each issue, it became more and more apparent that the rabbi was a lonely voice in the wilderness. The president of the synagogue said, "Come, Rabbi, enough of this. Let us vote and allow the majority to rule." He passed out the slips of paper and each man made his mark. The slips were collected and the president said, "You may examine them, Rabbi. It is eleven to one against you. We have the majority." Whereupon the rabbi rose to his feet in offended majesty. "So," he said, "you now think because of the vote that you are right and I am wrong. Well, that is not so. I stand here" --and he raised his arms impressively-- "and call upon the Holy One of Israel to give us a sign that I am right and you are wrong." And as he said this, there came a frightful crack of thunder and a brilliant flash of lightning that struck the mahogany table and cracked it in two. The room was filled with smoke and fumes, and the president and the elders were hurled to the floor. Through the carnage, the rabbi remained erect and untouched, his eyes flashing and a grim smile on his face. Slowly, the president lifted himself above what was left of the table. His hair was singed, his glasses were hanging from one ear, his clothing was in disarray. Finally he said, "All right, eleven to two. But we still have the majority." Courtesy of:http://www.getamused.com/jokes/majorityrules.html,http://www.alldayjokes.com/2012/05/biggest-misconception-times.html,andhttp://www.frtommylane.com/stories/jokes/we_have_the_majority.htm Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Know

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/know

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/know

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/know

Jokes

SIXTY LITTLE-KNOWN HUMOROUS FACTS:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this, too.)
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight and pull 30 times its own weight.
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of six football fields.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar. (and wine)
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. (Actually, I'd heard that it was because of the sound the machine makes every time it shoots out a block of kisses; it's a smacking sound like an exaggerated kiss.)
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7 " was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP " indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
American car horns beep in the tone of F. (Then why do some sound high and others low?)
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. (Wrong. I just did it by taping five sheets of tissue paper together and folding them eight times. I think what they're talking about is that you can't get a sharp crease... which I couldn't.)
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (This could be fixed... what if Nike doesn't have a factory in Malaysia?)
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal" The second? William Jefferson Clinton. (It would be fun to see what other words can be found in other president's names: obscenities, different names, expressions for the devil? This really isn't fair because most people have enough letters in their three names to make out something negative.)

ONE-LINERS!!!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Profundities:
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

...It's great to be a man? Because:
Your last name stays put.
You never have to use hot wax.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't couldn't care less if someone notices your new haircut.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

Do you know jokes which presuppose obscure knowledge?

I love esoteric jokes, the kind of humor which presupposes a lot of specialized knowledge. The more opaque the joke is, the better. However, by their very nature they're kinda hard to search for on Google, or at least I rarely hit upon the magic search terms. So, do you know good sites with specialist jokes? If not, do you know any particularly obscure jokes?

The obscure knowledge can be anything, from jokes about insect migration to Persian satraps to Alkali basalt to flavors of quark, anything goes. The subject matter is not what matters, but how incomprehensible the joke is to laymen.


Note: I'm not looking for jokes about different nationalities or ethnic groups. A joke about Scottish history would be something I'm looking for, not a joke about Scottish people.

Courtesy ofhttp://www.waynesthisandthat.com/didyouknow.htm
http://ask.metafilter.com/72202/Do-you-know-jokes-which-presuppose-obscure-knowledge
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)