Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/know
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/know
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/know
Jokes
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this, too.)
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight and pull 30 times its own weight.
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of six football fields.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar. (and wine)
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. (Actually, I'd heard that it was because of the sound the machine makes every time it shoots out a block of kisses; it's a smacking sound like an exaggerated kiss.)
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7 " was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP " indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
American car horns beep in the tone of F. (Then why do some sound high and others low?)
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. (Wrong. I just did it by taping five sheets of tissue paper together and folding them eight times. I think what they're talking about is that you can't get a sharp crease... which I couldn't.)
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (This could be fixed... what if Nike doesn't have a factory in Malaysia?)
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal" The second? William Jefferson Clinton. (It would be fun to see what other words can be found in other president's names: obscenities, different names, expressions for the devil? This really isn't fair because most people have enough letters in their three names to make out something negative.)
ONE-LINERS!!!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Profundities:
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
...It's great to be a man? Because:
Your last name stays put.
You never have to use hot wax.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't couldn't care less if someone notices your new haircut.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
Do you know jokes which presuppose obscure knowledge?
I love esoteric jokes, the kind of humor which presupposes a lot of specialized knowledge. The more opaque the joke is, the better. However, by their very nature they're kinda hard to search for on Google, or at least I rarely hit upon the magic search terms. So, do you know good sites with specialist jokes? If not, do you know any particularly obscure jokes?The obscure knowledge can be anything, from jokes about insect migration to Persian satraps to Alkali basalt to flavors of quark, anything goes. The subject matter is not what matters, but how incomprehensible the joke is to laymen.
Note: I'm not looking for jokes about different nationalities or ethnic groups. A joke about Scottish history would be something I'm looking for, not a joke about Scottish people.
http://ask.metafilter.com/72202/Do-you-know-jokes-which-presuppose-obscure-knowledge
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)
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