Lightbulb

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incandescent_light_bulb

http://www.ideafinder.com/history/inventions/lightbulb.htm

http://www.150.si.edu/150trav/remember/r811.htm

http://www.collectionscanada.gc.ca/cool/002027-2003-e.html

Jokes

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Light bulb joke collection 12

A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the light bulb.

Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. 

Light bulb joke collection 01

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)

Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.

Light bulb joke collection 40

Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Duh.... whats a light bulb???

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.

Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? One hundred. One to do it and 99 to say "Hey, I could have done that!" 

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/lig012.html

http://funny2.com/bulb.htm

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mouth

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mouth

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mouth

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/mouth

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mouth

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/mouthdisorders.html

http://www.mouthpower.org

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/body_basics/mouth_teeth.html

Jokes

There was once a wide mouth frog...

There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn't know what to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she said, "COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The Cow said, "I feed my babies milk." She went on to the horse. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, "HORSE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" "I feed my babies hay." said the horse. Finally she came to a snake. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, "SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The snake said, "I feed my babies wide mouth frogs." So the frog said, with her mouth really small, "Oh, is that so."

Big Mouth Mahathir

Anwar was heard to moan in jail to his wife,' I've had a lot of trouble trusting Mahathir over these years. Whenever you see him rolling his eyes, he's telling the truth. Whenever you see him stroking his chin, he's telling the truth. Whenever you see him fiddling with his tie, he's telling the truth.'' So how do you know when he's lying?' Wan Azizah said.' When he opens his mouth,' came the reply.

The devout cowboy lost his Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn`t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow`s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It`s a miracle!?"
"Not really", said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover".

What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?

What do you call a man with his right hand in a sharks mouth?Lefty.

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law...

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

Courtesy of: source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Mouth#ixzz1wnrZZH4J

http://jokes.contentavailable.com/i/Animal_World/There_was_once_a_wide_mouth_frog.../5955

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Rant

                                                       Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiktionary
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rant
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rant
JOKES...I Am Canadian


I am not a hacker or terrorist

I do not like Celine Dion or Shania Twain but I am glad they are getting rich.

I do know Richy and Sally from Canada, but they aren't nice as you think.

I am ruled by a rich white Prime Minister not a rich white President.

I don't know French but I can converse fluently in American...

...and I pronounce it A BOOT not a big shoe.

I can proudly sow my flag on my backpack, because even though no one realizes that we are just as guilty Everyone else for the fate of the 3rd world every one blames America.

when I am at home I realize I have better not protest deforestation or sexist dictators without risking a face full of pepper spray and a criminal record.

I believe in peacekeeping, even if it means killing some molly teenagers for fun

I believe in turning back boat loads of Chinese immigrants, a failing health care system, and late night cable porn disguised as art, and that the beaver is a truly proud and a beautiful part of the female body.

I believe the French should whine about anything, and the English should apologize.

...And that is pronounced zed not zee: ZED! That is how the queen told us how to pronounce it.

Canada is the second largest land mass in the world,

the second nation in hockey,

and the best part of the northern 3rd of America!

MY NAME IS JOE,

AND UNTIL WE ARE ADDED BY THE STATES,

I AM CANADIANI am Albertan

Hey, I'm not a farmer or an oil worker.
I don't live in Red Deer or eat raw beef or own a pickup truck.
I don't know Doug or Dwayne or Debbie from Fort McMurray, but I'm sure they're very nice people.
I have a premier named Ralph, not a dictator named Lucien.
And I speak English, you got it? English. Not French.
And I'm sick of having French rammed down my throat.
I go to the lake and stay in a cabin, not a cottage.
I believe in plugging in my car during the winter because if I don't, it won't start.
I drive 100 km/h in the left hand lane on Highway 2 even though the sign says, "slower traffic, keep to the right."
I'm not against Bill 11, but I'm not for Bill 11.
As a matter of fact, I don't even know what Bill 11 is all about.
I cheer for the Oilers because they play in the Leagues.
I don't believe Toronto is the centre of the universe.
I've never been there and I don't ever plan on going there.
Alberta has the second largest deposit of oil in the world.
And because of that, I don't pay taxes.
And I believe it's the greatest province in the country.
But I'd still move to B.C. if I got a good job offer.
My name is Joe.
And I am Albertan.

Actually, I moved here from Ontario in the '80's.

O.k there is International.......
I AM ITALIAN!Ciao...

I'm not a construction worker, a bricklayer or a school janitor.

I don't live in a basement.

I don't eat pasta every night.

And I don't drive a Cameo.

And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Wood bridge,

Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer.

I don't use utensils for pizza.

I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.

And I pronounce it ESPRESSO, not EX-PRES SO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the world cup.

Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies and Pavarotti IS the best of the three tenors,

And it IS pronounced Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta, Broo-SKETTA!!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,

The FIRST nation of soccer,

And the BEST part of Europe!!

My name is Giuseppe!!! AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM AUSTRALIAN!!

G'Day Mate,
I'm not a Jackeroo or 'The Crocodile Hunter', And I don't live in a rusty old shack with a snake in the Outback...
And I only know Johnnie, Jim and Jack in their liquid form,
Although I'm certain they get me really, really pissed.

I'm an Aussie, Not a Kiwi,

And use Tomato Sauce, Not Ketchup
It's pronounced 'G'Day Mate', not 'GER DOI --- MAATE'.

I can proudly wear my country's flag as a pair of boxer shorts or a shirt,
I follow Cricket, NOT Baseball,
RUGBY, NOT Gridiron,
And the Kangaroo is a pest, NOT a pet.

An Esky is a solid plastic box to keep your beer cold, and doubles as a chair,
And I drink 'V.B' and not 'Fosters'. 'VICTORIA BITTER'!!!
Australia is the Largest Island in the World!
The First Nation to laugh at our own mistakes, and the best part of the Southern Hemisphere.

MY NAME IS DAVE!! AND I AM AUSTRALIAN!!!!!!!!

Executive Privileges

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty. "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one." 

When You Have To Go, You Have To Go

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?"
"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."





Courtesy of:http://www.indefual.net/canada/jokes/rant-cnd.htmlhttp://www.vikarsrant.net/Jokes.htmThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Company

Copyright lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Company
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Company_(military_unit)
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/company
Jokes


On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

YOUR JOB COULD SUCK EVEN MORE Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

UNIVERSAL RESUME TRANSLATOR >"I'm willing to relocate": > I've just been evicted again. >"I have a stable personal life": > Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is. >"I'm extremely professional": > I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee. >"My background and skills match your requirements": > At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone. > - - - - - >"I am adaptable": > I've changed jobs a lot. >"I am always on the go": > I'm never at my desk. >"I'm highly motivated to succeed": > The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here. >"I have formal training": > My probation officer says I'm a natural student. >"I interact well with all co-workers": > All those sexual harassment charges were a sham. >"I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience": > I'm always making personal telephone calls. >"I look forward to hearing from you soon": > Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form > letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in > my future career.

THE PROCRASTINATOR'S CALENDAR

Neg	Fri	Fri	Fri	Thu	Wed	Tue
8	7	6	5	4	3	2
16	15	14	12	11	10	9
23	22	21	20	19	18	17
32	30	28	27	26	25	24
39	39	37	36	35	34	33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd. 2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays. 3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs. 5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. 6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

	Far exceeds job standards	Exceeds job standards	Meets job standards	Needs some improvement	Does not meet minimum standards
Quality	Leaps tall buildings in a single bound	Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings	Can only leap over a short building with no spires	Crashes into building when attempting to jump over them	Cannot recognize buildings at all, not to mention jump.
Timeliness	Is faster than a speeding bullet	Is as fast as a speeding bullet	Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet	Would you believe a slow bullet	Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot gun
Initiative	Is stronger than a locomotive	Is stronger than a bull elephant	Is stronger than a bull	Shoots the bull	Smells like a bull
Adaptability	Walks on water consistently	Walks on water in emergencies	Washes with water	Drinks water	Passes water in emergencies
Communication	Talks with God	Talks with angels	Talks to himself	Argues with himself	Loses those arguments

ACTUAL JOB INTERVIEW COMMENTS Vice presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are the results ! A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. ( I wonder if she offered to share any of the fries ) Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer. ( Maybe a wee bit too anxious ) Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. ( Why not just get the logo shaved into the back of your head? ) Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought a large dog to the interview. ( I suppose for moral support? ) Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.( Breaking in new sneakers perhaps?) Candidate dozed off during interview. ( They must have been applying with IBM - Did I just say that ? ) The employers were also asked to list the most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" ( I dunno.....maybe WORK ) "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" ( ......a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind ) "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" ( I gotta try that one sometime ! ) "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?' Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. ( I'll sleep MUCH better now ! ) At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. ( Good. Remain unemployed so you go broke. Then you can live outside forever. ) Sometimes I feel like smashing things. ( Give the new Michael Jackson album a try. ) Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. ( Don't worry........I'm not going there. I'll keep those comments to myself. ) Once a week, I usually feel hot all over. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex. ( So, where's the problem !!??!! ) People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct. ( Well, at least .........forget it. I wasn't going to say anything. ) I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. ( I'm also very modest. ) I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles. ( in fact, I know a few women, not just the one. ) If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. ( All Nixon did wrong was get caught ) My legs are really hairy. I think I'm going to throw up.

MANAGEMENT TEST The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager." 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ? Wrong Answer :Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.  According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.

RESUMES & COVER LETTERS These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: The spelling is exactly the way it appeared in the magazine. 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 5 . "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist.But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 19. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job- hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often.Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

WHY EXECUTIVES MAKE MORE MONEY

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer and scientist knows:
Work/Time = Power
Since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: 
Work/Knowledge = Money
Thus: as Knowledge approaches zero,
Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

WHAT'S YOUR (BUSINESS) SIGN ? 1.MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. 2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. 3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. 4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." 5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. 6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. 7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager." 8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title) 9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. 12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. 13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...thus the term "GO POSTAL".

Courtesy of:

http://funehumor.com/fun_doc4/fun_0472.shtmlThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Talk

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/talk
http://www.ted.com/talks
http://www.weetalk.net
http://www.talktocanada.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0uqLM1uj_k
JOKES
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the 
 sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Crazy people talkA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Talk to the judge
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"








Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)
Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com,law086.html://www.ahajokes.com,p011.html://jokes4all.net/talking.html

Sleep

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep
http://www.helpguide.org/life/sleeping.htm
http://www.canadiansleepsociety.com
http://www.journalsleep.org
http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/howto.html
Jokes

'Doctor, doctor, how can I cure myself of sleepwalking?' 'Put drawing-pins on the bedroom floor.' 'Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.'  'Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you'll soon drop off.' 'Doctor, doctor, I haven't slept for days.' 'Why not?' "Because I sleep at night!' A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “I know” said the man, “but I can`t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.” An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem! I make a mistake and spend 3 hours trying to find it.” Sleeping on the job Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"  Courtesy of:http://www.scatty.com/jokes/other/bedtime_jokes.html,http://www.sleepjunkie.com/sleep-jokes,andhttp://www.ahajokes.com/off39.html Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)