Mirror

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror


Jokes
Mirror, mirror on the wall 
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight,
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!! 




Kisses on the Mirror
A school head was alerted by the caretaker to a persistent problem in the girls lavatories: some of the girl students were leaving lipstick kisses on the mirrors. The caretaker had left notices on the toilet walls asking for the practice to cease, but to no avail; every evening the caretaker would wipe away the kisses, and the next day lots more kisses would be planted on the mirror. It had become a bit of a game. The head teacher usually took a creative approach to problem solving, and so the next day she asked a few girl representatives from each class to meet with her in the lavatory.

"Thank you for coming," said the head, "You will see there are several lipstick kisses in the mirrors in this washroom, "

Some of the girls grinned at each other.

"As you will understand, modern lipstick is cleverly designed to stay on the lips, and so the lipstick is not easy at all to clean from the mirrors. We have therefore had to develop a special cleaning regime, and my hope is that when you see the effort involved you will help spread the word that we'd all be better off if those responsible for the kisses use tissue paper instead of the mirrors in future, "
At this point the caretaker stepped forward with a sponge squeegee, which he took into one of the toilet cubicles, dipped into the toilet bowl, and then used to clean one of the lipstick-covered mirrors.
The caretaker smiled. The girls departed. And there were no more lipstick kisses on the mirrors.


The magic mirror joke
Three women, a blond brunette and a redhead walk into a store that has a sign saying that the store has a mirror that grants your wishes. They all want to try it and line up in front of the magic mirror. The red head is first and when she looks into the mirror, she wishes for a new car and a shiny red convertible is waiting for her in her driveway. The next to wish is the brunette. She wishes for a million dollars and BOOM she gets it. Finally, its the blondes turn. She walks up to the mirror, looks it squire in the eye and says: 'I wish this joke were funnier'










Courtesy of:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/i-cant-help-but-look-in-the-mirror-when-i-pass-one/random-mirror-jokes/231042971604
http://www.nairaland.com/15135/kisses-mirror
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/67046
Thanks to:to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency!
http://www.getprepared.gc.ca

Jokes

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

911 Jokes

If you need a quick laugh in a hurry you've come to the right place. Welcome to 911 jokes, your emergency Joke Station on the net.

Check out all the great categories of jokes in the panel to the right or look at some of the other great humor on offer, courtesy of our good friends at the Comedy Zone.

We have loads of jokes for you to look at with bar jokes, adult jokes, sexy and fun jokes all for your viewing pleasure.

So sit back, relax and have a good laugh on me.

I hope that you enjoy your stay.

Courtesy of: http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/Police-Emergency.html http://www.members.tripod.com/tuneless74
Thanks to who created a joke and poke a smile on one's face.

Hormones

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_human_hormones

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hormones.html

http://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx

http://www.hormone.org

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/hormones

http://hormones.gr

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

JOkes

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Hormone Therapy Jokes:Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.
Man: Are there any side-effects?
Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will
have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone."
He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/bar022.htmlhttp://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/cancerjokes1.htmland 

http://www.jokes.com/funny/science/hormone-vs--enzyme

Thanks:To those who created a joke and poke a smile on one's face.

Hormones

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_human_hormones

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hormones.html

http://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx

http://www.hormone.org

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/hormones

http://hormones.gr

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

JOkes

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Hormone Therapy Jokes:Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.
Man: Are there any side-effects?
Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will
have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone."
He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/bar022.htmlhttp://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/cancerjokes1.html and 

http://www.jokes.com/funny/science/hormone-vs--enzyme

Thanks: to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Opinion

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opinion

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/opinion

http://www.queensu.ca/cora

Jokes

I would like to have a second opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see. . Size 44 long.' 

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. 

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years.' 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' 

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. 

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

United Nations survey  

The United Nations conducted a worldwide survey with one single question:

"Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure:


* In Latin America, they didn't know what please meant ...
* In China, they didn't know what opinion meant ...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what solution meant ...
* In Europe, they didn't know what shortage meant ...
* In Africa, they didn't know what food meant ...


* In the United States, they didn't know what the rest of the world meant ...

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/med043.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80586226

 http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/United_Nations_survey

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Alzheimers

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alzheimer's_disease
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001767
http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_what_is_alzheimers.asp
http://www.nia.nih.gov/alzheimers
http://www.ahaf.org/alzheimers
http://alzheimers.org.uk
http://www.alzfdn.ca

Jokes  Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyoij6dZRuY

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, “You did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all. Why is that?”

Max replied, “Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”

“Memory school? What memory school?”

Max thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s red with thorns? A really pretty flower…?”

“A rose?”

“Yeah…that’s it!” Max turned to his wife and mumbled, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?”

“How am I doing, doc?”

“Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to say you have corns on your feet and Alzheimer’s disease.”

“Well, it could be worse.  At least I don’t have corns.”

Courtesy of: http://www.ahajokes.com/med004.html,www.youtube.com andhttp://rahphx.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/alzheimers-jokes-from-families-in-phoenix-scottsdale-az
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Spin Doctor

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/spin-doctor.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_Doctors

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-spin-doctor.htm

JOkes

Spin doctors!

|What kind of doctors are like spiders?Spin doctors! The body of a spin doctor was pulled from a lake today. Police believe he probably drank more water than was good for him. Spin Doctor Clinic A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"  Courtesy of: http://www.getamused.com/jokes/spindoctors.html,http://www.thespoof.comand http://jasaracho.blogspot.ca/2005/09/from-my-mailbox-9-jokes.html Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Fool

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fool
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fool
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fool

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/fool

JOKes


Strung Up

Attach a string to the back of the victim's desk drawer. Then run it up the wall, into the suspended ceiling, to a small container attached to the ceiling directly over the victim's head. When the drawer is opened the string will be pulled, dropping a shower of confetti onto the victim's head.

1st.Fool of 2010

Am Going To U.S.A.
.
.
.
Don't Worry The Flight Is After 2 Days
.
.
.
Surprised?
?
?
?
After 2 Days it's 1st April,
U r 1st Fool Of 2010







Courtesy of: http://aprilfoolzone.com/office2.htm andhttp://sms4smile.com/category/april-fools-sms

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Understand

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understanding
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/understanding
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/understanding
http://thesaurus.com/browse/understand

JOkes
A man was on a boat that capsized in the sea. Alhamdulillah the waves cast him up on a desert island. After months of loneliness, a beautiful colored bottle washed up on the beach. The man picked it up and caressed it, admiring its beauty, until a genie came out in a puff of smoke.

Understanding Women:

“Thank you for releasing me from my prison,” the genie said. “I grant you any wish you like. I can’t do magic, but I’m very strong and wise.”

“Wonderful,” the man said. “Build me a bridge back to my country so I can return home.”

“Oh, come on,” the genie said. “Do you have any idea what a massive engineering feat that would be? There’s not enough steel or stone in the world for that. I’m just a simple genie. Wish for something realistic.”

“Okay then,” the man said. “I wish to understand the mind of a woman.”

“Alright,” said the genie, sighing. “Did you want a suspension bridge, cable bridge, or arch bridge?”

Understanding Men:

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought or logic connected with it.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

Not Understanding

My niece, delivering her first child, requested that her mother and I come into the labor room with her. During one violent contraction she looked up at my sister and said, "Mom, please help me. The pains are really bad."My niece then turned to me. "Maricela, please help me," she implored. "Mom doesn’t understand what I’m going through.""Honey," my sister replied, "there isn’t anything I can do."

Courtesy of: http://www.zawaj.com/joke-understanding-women-understanding-men and//www.rd.com/laughs/not-understanding-joke
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Lease

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lease

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1263846/Mother-law-jokes-new-lease-life-online.html

Lease nuclear weapons

Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite ecology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected annihilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to achieve tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to acquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.

With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.

The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.

The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.

Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.

Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax Corporation for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.

Dr. Nuketopia,

Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)

 According To The Lease 

A woman called a pet store and said, "Send me 450 cockroaches immediately.""Lady, why in the world would you want 450 cockroaches?" asked the flabbergasted clerk.
"Well," she explained, "I'm moving out today and according to my lease, I must leave the premises exactly as I found them."

Courtesy of: http://www.uberhaha.com/joke.php?joke_id=160  and http://www.ncbuy.com/humor/jokes_view.html?jkv=11838
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)