Reward

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reward

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reward

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/reward

Jokes

Reward for goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. 

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. 

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!" 

Reward these soldiers for their work

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the Generals office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so who'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

£1 billion reward

There was a reward of £1 billion for any man that swam from one end of a swimming pool to the other. and the pool was heavily infested with hungry crocodiles. an American man went first, and 2 seconds later he was killed. a Russian man suffered the same fate, and so did 10 others. after a while, it looked as if no one was going to go in again when suddenly a man just jumped in, dodging the crocodiles elegantly and came out at the other end. it happened to be a naija man. after being congratulated, he was asked to make a comment, and he goes, breathing heavily ' if i catch the person wey push me wallahi i go wound am. Allah i go wrong dat person'.

Courtesyof:http://www.ahajokes.com/hea05.html,http://www.ahajokes.com/war010.htmlandhttp://www.onlinenigeria.com/jokes/ad/1-902 Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

ruin

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

Never realized how popular this was......

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ruin

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/ruin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruins

JOKes

http://www.readersdigest.com.au/ways-to-ruin-a-joke

http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2010/12/14/how-to-retroactively-ruin-a-joke.html

                                                           How to Kill a Joke

1.Pay close attention to the joke. Try not to get distracted by anything else.

2.Make random remarks and outbursts, such as "Wait, I think I've heard this joke before somewhere"

3.Right before the person gets to the end, start laughing really loudly. This step is important. Try not to make it too early, or you will look like a complete idiot. If you do it too late, it will seem like you are laughing with everyone else.

4.If the person telling the joke says "This is so funny" before they start telling the joke, then halfway through the joke, start laughing hysterically, and say " Oh, thatis funny!" It annoys people terribly.

1. 
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   Courtesy of:http://www.wikihow.com/Kill-a-Joke

   http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2010/12/14/how-to-retroactively-ruin-a-joke.html
   

   
   

   http://www.readersdigest.com.au/ways-to-ruin-a-joke

   Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Mirror

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror


Jokes
Mirror, mirror on the wall 
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight,
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!! 




Kisses on the Mirror
A school head was alerted by the caretaker to a persistent problem in the girls lavatories: some of the girl students were leaving lipstick kisses on the mirrors. The caretaker had left notices on the toilet walls asking for the practice to cease, but to no avail; every evening the caretaker would wipe away the kisses, and the next day lots more kisses would be planted on the mirror. It had become a bit of a game. The head teacher usually took a creative approach to problem solving, and so the next day she asked a few girl representatives from each class to meet with her in the lavatory.

"Thank you for coming," said the head, "You will see there are several lipstick kisses in the mirrors in this washroom, "

Some of the girls grinned at each other.

"As you will understand, modern lipstick is cleverly designed to stay on the lips, and so the lipstick is not easy at all to clean from the mirrors. We have therefore had to develop a special cleaning regime, and my hope is that when you see the effort involved you will help spread the word that we'd all be better off if those responsible for the kisses use tissue paper instead of the mirrors in future, "
At this point the caretaker stepped forward with a sponge squeegee, which he took into one of the toilet cubicles, dipped into the toilet bowl, and then used to clean one of the lipstick-covered mirrors.
The caretaker smiled. The girls departed. And there were no more lipstick kisses on the mirrors.


The magic mirror joke
Three women, a blond brunette and a redhead walk into a store that has a sign saying that the store has a mirror that grants your wishes. They all want to try it and line up in front of the magic mirror. The red head is first and when she looks into the mirror, she wishes for a new car and a shiny red convertible is waiting for her in her driveway. The next to wish is the brunette. She wishes for a million dollars and BOOM she gets it. Finally, its the blondes turn. She walks up to the mirror, looks it squire in the eye and says: 'I wish this joke were funnier'










Courtesy of:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/i-cant-help-but-look-in-the-mirror-when-i-pass-one/random-mirror-jokes/231042971604
http://www.nairaland.com/15135/kisses-mirror
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/67046
Thanks to:to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency!
http://www.getprepared.gc.ca

Jokes

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

911 Jokes

If you need a quick laugh in a hurry you've come to the right place. Welcome to 911 jokes, your emergency Joke Station on the net.

Check out all the great categories of jokes in the panel to the right or look at some of the other great humor on offer, courtesy of our good friends at the Comedy Zone.

We have loads of jokes for you to look at with bar jokes, adult jokes, sexy and fun jokes all for your viewing pleasure.

So sit back, relax and have a good laugh on me.

I hope that you enjoy your stay.

Courtesy of: http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/Police-Emergency.html http://www.members.tripod.com/tuneless74
Thanks to who created a joke and poke a smile on one's face.

Hormones

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_human_hormones

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hormones.html

http://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx

http://www.hormone.org

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/hormones

http://hormones.gr

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

JOkes

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Hormone Therapy Jokes:Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.
Man: Are there any side-effects?
Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will
have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone."
He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/bar022.htmlhttp://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/cancerjokes1.htmland 

http://www.jokes.com/funny/science/hormone-vs--enzyme

Thanks:To those who created a joke and poke a smile on one's face.

Hormones

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_human_hormones

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/hormones.html

http://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx

http://www.hormone.org

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/hormones

http://hormones.gr

http://www.johnleemd.com/store/resource_hormonetest.html

JOkes

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Hormone Therapy Jokes:Doctor: Well, we better discuss treatment now for your prostate cancer. I recommend hormone therapy.
Man: Are there any side-effects?
Doctor: A few. You will have a loss of potency. You might get some hot flashes. And when lost, you will
have an inexplicable urge to ask for directions.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone."
He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/bar022.htmlhttp://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/cancerjokes1.html and 

http://www.jokes.com/funny/science/hormone-vs--enzyme

Thanks: to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Opinion

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opinion

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/opinion

http://www.queensu.ca/cora

Jokes

I would like to have a second opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see. . Size 44 long.' 

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. 

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years.' 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' 

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. 

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

United Nations survey  

The United Nations conducted a worldwide survey with one single question:

"Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure:


* In Latin America, they didn't know what please meant ...
* In China, they didn't know what opinion meant ...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what solution meant ...
* In Europe, they didn't know what shortage meant ...
* In Africa, they didn't know what food meant ...


* In the United States, they didn't know what the rest of the world meant ...

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/med043.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80586226

 http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/United_Nations_survey

Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Alzheimers

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alzheimer's_disease
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001767
http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_what_is_alzheimers.asp
http://www.nia.nih.gov/alzheimers
http://www.ahaf.org/alzheimers
http://alzheimers.org.uk
http://www.alzfdn.ca

Jokes  Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyoij6dZRuY

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, “You did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all. Why is that?”

Max replied, “Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”

“Memory school? What memory school?”

Max thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s red with thorns? A really pretty flower…?”

“A rose?”

“Yeah…that’s it!” Max turned to his wife and mumbled, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?”

“How am I doing, doc?”

“Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to say you have corns on your feet and Alzheimer’s disease.”

“Well, it could be worse.  At least I don’t have corns.”

Courtesy of: http://www.ahajokes.com/med004.html,www.youtube.com andhttp://rahphx.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/alzheimers-jokes-from-families-in-phoenix-scottsdale-az
Thanks...to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)