Universe

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universe

http://www.atlasoftheuniverse.com

http://www.universetoday.com

http://www.space.com/52-the-expanding-universe-from-the-big-bang-to-today.html

http://scaleofuniverse.com

JOkes

Mysterious Universe

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. 

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"


And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
On the first day the young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fella, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this, old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over - so take a hike!"
The old rooster says, "Aw, come on, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. We won't bother you."
The young rooster yells, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown was sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, he looks up and sees the old rooster running away from the young rooster. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust and says, "Darn it! That's the third gay rooster I bought this week."

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A man is concerned about a dull throbbing pain in his knob and seeks medical advice.

His GP tells him: "I'm afraid it's simply wearing out and under normal circumstances there would be nothing I can do to help, however there is a brand new experimental procedure which you could undergo, it involves using part of an elephants trunk, but it does have it's risks in terms of after effects."

"Anything! says the man, "I have an extremely active sex life and can't bear the thought of never being able to shag again".

Off he goes for the operation and 3 weeks later he's passed fit to resume normal sex.

He invites an extremely attractive neighbour over for dinner, things are going really well when he feels a stiring below, his knob becomes so large it's getting painful and he undoes his zip.

With that, his enormous grey appendage leaps out, shoots across the table, takes a bread bun and just as quickly, disappears into his trousers.

"My word!" says his guest, extremely impressed and slightly curious, "can you do that again?".

He replied in a shocked voice "Probably, but I don't think I could fit another bread bun up my arse!"

Courtesy of:www.ebaumsworld.com

http://www.ravetalk.co.uk/forum/risque-jokes-t4805.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Problem

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/problem

JOkes

"A Car as Collateral"

A Russian businessman walks into a Swiss bank in Geneva and asks for a $100 loan. He offers his luxury Mercedes car as collateral. The collateral is too good, and the bank manager approves the loan. A year later, the Russian comes back. He repays the loan and the 10% interest and is ready to collect his car. Finally, the puzzled bank manager dares to ask him: "Excuse me, sir, could  you tell me: did you really need that $100 so badly? In order to get the money, you left your luxury car with us for a whole year!" The Russian replied, "That's simple – just think outside the box:  where else in Geneva can I find such a great parking place for just $10 a year?"

"One Thing at a Time"

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." 

"Prostitute Parrots"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Airplane Problems

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy of: http://www.1000ventures.com/fun/fun_ps_j.html and www.funnyjokes.com
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Voices

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_voice
ttp://www.voices.com
http://www.voiceovercanada.ca
http://www.voices.no
http://www.aboriginalvoices.com
http://www.caseyhouse.com/en/foundation/voices_of_hope

JOkes
Lewis Black:Bill Clinton's Testimony
He's the president. If he doesn't know what the word 'alone' means, that means he may be thinking that the voices in his head are other people.

Kevin Rooney: Hand Puppets
I'm selling these hand puppets, and its Christmas time, and I'm doing little voices for the kids and whatnot. And the kids want five of these little hand puppets, so the mother comes over, and she says, 'OK, all right, we'll take five of the hand puppets.' So I'm putting them in the bag, and all of the sudden, she has a little brainstorm: 'Wait a minute, wait a minute. What if I get them home and they don't work?'

The Voice
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Fuck!''







Courtesy of:http://www.jokes.com andhttp://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/280925
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Bargain

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bargain

JOkes

Trader: Roll up, roll up! Come to our mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale.
Customer: Forget it! No one round here's got room in their houses for a mammoth.

Why do witches get good bargains?
Because they like to haggle.

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

Displaying Full Joke - A bargain!!

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything was checked and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank`s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" 

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

Courtesy :http://www.jokedictionary.com/jokes/b/bargainjokes.html and http://www.bollywoodsargam.de/jokes_play.php?jokenum=2837&jokename=A+bargain!

http://www.nairaland.com/521367/adam-strikes-bargain

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER

Mumble

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

Mumble

jumbo

someone is in trouble

how humble

one can take a tumble

where is my thumble

can i howl

no

more

mumble

jumbo

JOkes
When in doubt, mumble.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.

Don't mumble 

You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced.














Courtesy of: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Mumble#ixzz23qTRD7Ur,www.aarons-jokes.com and
http://www.funnyjokeshub.com/20154/when-in-doubt-mumble

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER