Advice

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advice

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/advice

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/advice

http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/travel-and-living-abroad/travel-advice-by-country

Advice

Hard as ice

like or dislike

the sight

maybe right

look at the plight

the might

to fight for 

what is right

just strike

to hike

one thought

of flight

to justify 

the right

as

advice

hard as ice

JOkes

Funny Bankruptcy Bible Joke

Jack is very depressed. His business has lost a lot of value in the recession and the stock market has taken another turn for the worse.

Jack’s wife urges him to go and talk to the family priest. Jack reluctantly agrees to make an appointment.

Jack sits down and unburdens himself the spiritual adviser. The priest thinks for a long time, but finally he finds a solution.

“Jack, this is what you need to do. Take your Bible and go somewhere peaceful where you can communicate with the Lord. Sit down and meditate and try to accept the Lord in to your heart. When you have reached inner peace I want you to slowly open your Bible and let the wind ruffle the pages. When the wind stops, look down at the page which the Bible is opened to. There you will find your answer.”

Jack is a bit skeptical, but the priest is serious and Jack decides he doesn’t have anything better to do.

The priest doesn’t see Jack again for a few months. One day, Jack shows up at the church in a fancy car and expensive suit and hands the priest an envelope with a large donation to the church.

“Father, I want to thank you for your excellent advice! I followed your instructions to the letter. When the wind finally stopped blowing it took me awhile to find any message, but then I looked at the bottom of the page. Chapter 11!

I want to take money with me

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

When you know you must really be drunk

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

I suppose I earned enough

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."

Marriage Advice

1.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
2.A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 
3.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 
4.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 
5.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 
6.Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 
7.Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
8.Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 
9.A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
10.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. 
11.A woman has the last word in any argument. 
12.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 
13.There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Courtesy of:http://www.familyfriendjokes.com/jokes/life/advice

http://www.ahajokes.com/law043.html

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/598806/#ThmZl7Z2rVspZWz2.99

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

FUNNY

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/funny

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/funny

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/funny

http://thesaurus.com/browse/funny

It really funny honey

must we have money

to study

Johnny

Be sunny

instead of mucky

being stocky

just a junkie

be funky

never know you might be lucky

JOkes

Whats the Difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2.  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3.  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4.  A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blond responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.         

7.  Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.          

8.  Another one was:  Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.   

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.      

10.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''         

11.  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. 

12.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.  

13.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.        

14.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''   

15.  There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''          

16.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17.  When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''. 

18.  ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''       

19.   I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20.   I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.          

21.   A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22.  Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.      

23.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24.  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''     

25.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26.   I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.     

27.  Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29.   I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?'' 

30.   I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Mar mite......... one jar.          

31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32.  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''      

33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.          

36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.      

37.   I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''         

38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster   

39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wifely look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''  

40.  I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.    

42.  I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi satchel.        

43.  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.   

44.  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' 

45.   I tried water polo but my horse drowned.    

46.   I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47.   So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 

48.   Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.          

49.  A seal walks into a club... 

50.   I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.

Courtesy of:http://www.thejokeyard.com/one_line_jokes/joke_04082.html

http://newslite.tv/2010/10/22/survey-reveals-top-50-funniest.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Latex

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2102

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaTeX
http://www.latex-project.org/
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/LaTeX
http://www.flobeds.com/ltxwhat.htm
http://www.ams.org/publications/authors/tex/what-is-latex

latex
safe sex
playtex
a test
far from best
I detest
from my chest
can i play the rest
jest
just flex
text
how about the best
less the mess

JOkes
latex

A dentist was about to do surgery on a patient. She seemed to be very nervous, so he decided to crack a little joke. 

"Do you know how latex gloves are made?"

The patient shakes her head. 

"People with different hand sizes stick their hands in latex and peel them off to get latex gloves."

The patient didn't even crack a smile. 5 minutes later in the middle of the surgery, the patient just bursts out laughing.

"Did you finally get the joke?" the doctor asks.

"No," she says. "I was picturing how condoms were made.

Canonical list of Condom Jokes CONDOMS DEMYSTIFIED There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good be- cause they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to lubricate them with mint jelly.) There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y. The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to be stimulating? Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, de- signed by men. If Girls Designed Condoms ... What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded. "But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loud- est voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask her about width. Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to-skin sensation they already claim condoms rob them of, and we can't have that. No, modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and micro- scopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into bananas, hot dogs, yams, and more. But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or athlete's foot spray. So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh -- don't mix them up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following items: Tickle antiperspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for impor- tant condom experiments at home. At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, prac- tice, practice. And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies. Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Some thing's missing. Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both. The Condomed Man It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relation- ship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduc- tion when you're ready to make the leap between the sheets. Call that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out...want to come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going home." Welcome To The Safety Patrol Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in rubber." And he won't mind one bit. LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. No glove, no love!

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

"Very true, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Latex Gloves
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.

"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."

His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.

"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"

Making Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves..."Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" "Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Courtesy of:http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/389265
http://neil.franklin.ch/Jokes_and_Fun/Canon_Comdom.html
http://www.funnyville.com/Funny-Jokes/Latex-Factory.html
http://www.jokebuddha.com/Latex

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER 

Misery

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misery_(film)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misery_(novel)

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/misery

JOkes

Misery Loves 

Company

"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.

"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company."

A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess. 

One Man's Torture: A Golfing Tale

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they frequently did together. They arrived at the 12th hole where the husband promptly hit a tremendous slice that ended up behind an old barn.

"I guess I'll just have to play it safe and chip it onto the fairway," said the man.

"No wait," said his wife. "You can hit the ball through the barn."

The man decided to give it a try. But he sliced the ball, which ricocheted off the barn and struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly. The man was distraught and wallowed in his misery for many weeks, depriving himself of golf the whole time.

Eventually he relaized that he must face his demons and headed out to the very same golf course to play. Once again he found himself at the 12th hole and once again he hit a slice right behind the very same barn. As he was preparing to hit out safely to the fairway one of the other players in his foursome asked if he wanted to try and hit it through the barn.

"Oh no," replied the man, horrified. "I tried that last time."

"What happened?"

"I shot an 8!"

The Lion and the Turkey

There once was a lion, whose best friend was a turkey.

There was a great famine and the lion was pretty hungry, so the turkey ate him and put him out of his misery.

Misery doesn't love company

Misery doesn't love company... Nowadays, it insists on it.

:Courtesy of:http://www.rd.com/laughs/misery-loves-company-jokehttp://www.jokes.com/funny/men~women/one-man-s-torture--a-golfing-tale

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Misery#ixzz22YtuEB7c

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

DISCLAIMER: This Blog is not meant to offend.SPREAD THE LAUGHTER