Failure

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Failure
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/failure
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/failure
Jokes

50 Ways to fail an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh gee, better get cracking," and scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a video game. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a bad case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. You could threaten the instructor that whether or not every one's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.
26. At some point during the exam, start crying for mommy.
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Jeopardy'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'The Bridge on the River Kwai'.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.
41. Wrestle mania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.
44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."

The Least Successful Piano Recital

        THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL PIANO RECITAL

        Early in the 1970s a promising American pianist gave a concert in
the chamber music room of the Erewan Hotel in Bangkok.  The recital was only
a few minutes old when the artist discovered that due to the climate's
excessive humidity the D key of the treble clef began to stick repeatedly.
As luck would have it, his programme comprised Bach's D minor Toccata and
Fugue and his prelude and Fugue in D major.

        The reviewer in the Bangkok Post also noted that there was a problem
with the piano stool which had been so enthusiastically greased that during
one of the more vigorous sections the pianist suddenly found himself
swivelling round to face the audience.

        Abandoning the Toccata in D minor, he moved on to Liszt's Fantasia
in G minor, at which point the G key of the bass clef also stuck.  To try
and free the notes the virtuoso started kicking the lower section of the
piano with his foot with the result that the piano's right leg soon gave way
and the whole instrument tilted through 35 degrees.

        At this point he rose, bowed and left the stage to audience
applause.  When he returned he had in his hand a fire axe with which he
began to demolish the piano.

        On hearing the resounding crash which followed, the ushers came
rushing in and, with the help of the hotel manager, two watchmen and a
passing policeman, finally succeeded in disarming the man and dragging him
off stage.

"The Game"

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Courtesy of:http://www.jokesplace.com/joke/failexam.html,http://terhune.net/jokes/se10097.html

http://www.1000ventures.com/fun/fun_success_failure_j.htmlThanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Majority

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Majority
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/majority
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/majority
Jokes

Majority rule

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?""So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." Biggest misconception of our times:- Majority of Blackberry users are jobless and its still called a Business phone.. Isaac Asimov, familiar to many as a noted scientist and author, once told a hilarious story about a Rabbi Feldman who was having trouble with his congregation. It seemed they could agree upon nothing. The president of the congregation said, "Rabbi, this cannot be allowed to continue. Come, there must be a conference, and we must settle all areas of dispute once and for all." The rabbi agreed. At the appointed time, therefore, the rabbi, the president, and ten elders met in the conference room of the synagogue, sitting about a magnificent mahogany table. One by one the issues were dealt with and on each issue, it became more and more apparent that the rabbi was a lonely voice in the wilderness. The president of the synagogue said, "Come, Rabbi, enough of this. Let us vote and allow the majority to rule." He passed out the slips of paper and each man made his mark. The slips were collected and the president said, "You may examine them, Rabbi. It is eleven to one against you. We have the majority." Whereupon the rabbi rose to his feet in offended majesty. "So," he said, "you now think because of the vote that you are right and I am wrong. Well, that is not so. I stand here" --and he raised his arms impressively-- "and call upon the Holy One of Israel to give us a sign that I am right and you are wrong." And as he said this, there came a frightful crack of thunder and a brilliant flash of lightning that struck the mahogany table and cracked it in two. The room was filled with smoke and fumes, and the president and the elders were hurled to the floor. Through the carnage, the rabbi remained erect and untouched, his eyes flashing and a grim smile on his face. Slowly, the president lifted himself above what was left of the table. His hair was singed, his glasses were hanging from one ear, his clothing was in disarray. Finally he said, "All right, eleven to two. But we still have the majority." Courtesy of:http://www.getamused.com/jokes/majorityrules.html,http://www.alldayjokes.com/2012/05/biggest-misconception-times.html,andhttp://www.frtommylane.com/stories/jokes/we_have_the_majority.htm Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Know

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/know

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/know

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/know

Jokes

SIXTY LITTLE-KNOWN HUMOROUS FACTS:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this, too.)
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight and pull 30 times its own weight.
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of six football fields.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar. (and wine)
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. (Actually, I'd heard that it was because of the sound the machine makes every time it shoots out a block of kisses; it's a smacking sound like an exaggerated kiss.)
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7 " was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP " indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
American car horns beep in the tone of F. (Then why do some sound high and others low?)
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. (Wrong. I just did it by taping five sheets of tissue paper together and folding them eight times. I think what they're talking about is that you can't get a sharp crease... which I couldn't.)
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (This could be fixed... what if Nike doesn't have a factory in Malaysia?)
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal" The second? William Jefferson Clinton. (It would be fun to see what other words can be found in other president's names: obscenities, different names, expressions for the devil? This really isn't fair because most people have enough letters in their three names to make out something negative.)

ONE-LINERS!!!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Profundities:
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

...It's great to be a man? Because:
Your last name stays put.
You never have to use hot wax.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't couldn't care less if someone notices your new haircut.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

Do you know jokes which presuppose obscure knowledge?

I love esoteric jokes, the kind of humor which presupposes a lot of specialized knowledge. The more opaque the joke is, the better. However, by their very nature they're kinda hard to search for on Google, or at least I rarely hit upon the magic search terms. So, do you know good sites with specialist jokes? If not, do you know any particularly obscure jokes?

The obscure knowledge can be anything, from jokes about insect migration to Persian satraps to Alkali basalt to flavors of quark, anything goes. The subject matter is not what matters, but how incomprehensible the joke is to laymen.


Note: I'm not looking for jokes about different nationalities or ethnic groups. A joke about Scottish history would be something I'm looking for, not a joke about Scottish people.

Courtesy ofhttp://www.waynesthisandthat.com/didyouknow.htm
http://ask.metafilter.com/72202/Do-you-know-jokes-which-presuppose-obscure-knowledge
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Honest

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honesty

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/honest

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/honest

Jokes

An honest lawyerAn independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Ethics Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.Here's the situation:You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.It's George W. Bush, President of the United States! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him under... forever.You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can
shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?


Chuck Norris facts not fake. honest!


#If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

#There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

#Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

#Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

#Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

#Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

#Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

#Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. 

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.


Honest Guy
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!" 

Courtesy of: http://www.ahajokes.com/law028.html ,http://www.jokebuddha.com/Honest#ixzz1uM00ZNDX,
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/943198http://www.starjokes.com/view.php?jid=39
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Doubt

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doubt

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/doubt

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/doubt

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/doubt

JOKES

Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always
been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before
he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see
if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's
always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your
house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they
drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a
strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so
I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then
he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off
the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt." 


When in doubt, think.

[ True story ] A friend of mine and his boss went boating a few weeks ago, and they decided to go look at some of the well-known landmarks in the Chesapeake. Well, they were getting near one of them and the boat ran aground. Unable to back it out, they finally had to get out and push. While they were doing this, an employee at the site came out and watched, and the hapless boaters explained that they'd been looking at the landmark when they got stuck. This exchange followed: Employee: Sir, do you know what this is? Boater: A lighthouse. Employee: Why do you think it's here?

Courtesy of:: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Doubt#ixzz1uDK9ziio,http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/26650
http://www.dupyup.com/jokes/view.php?jid=4541
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Seduction

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seduction
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/seduce
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/seduction/the-10-best-seduction-techniques-927889.html


Jokes
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his  beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Man a Box and a Bar 

A man walks into a bar carrying a small box. He says to the bartender, if what I have in the box blows your mind will you give me a free drink. Sure say the bartender but it's going to have to be something special because I've seen it all. You will not have seen anything like this says the man while opening the box.

There in the box was a tiny little man playing away a tiny piano. He can play anything the man says. Doesn't  need the music for it either. The bartender just stared with his month open and shaking his head said your  right I have never seen anything like that. Where did you get him from.  

Funny thing I was walking along a beach when I found an old brass lamp. I rub it to clean it up and a genie  pop out and said I could have three wishes. What else did you wish for said the bartender. Oh I've only used  one said the man. Can I have a try said the bartender. Sure said the man give the bartender the lamp. The bartender took the lamp and rubbed it and the genie appeared and said what is your wish master. I want a  million bucks said the bar tender, then in a flash the bar was full of ducks flying every where. 

Why didn't you tell me the genie was no good screamed the bartender. Oh he's good said the man just hard  do hearing you don't think I ask for a 12 inch pianist do you. 

Your Not Here  

A couple are in bed making love, when the phone rings. The girl gets out of bed and answers it. After a few moments she comes back and get back in bed beside her lover. "Who was it” he asked, "Oh it was my husband". Looking a bit shocked he said "I'd better do". "Calm down" she replies, "He's down town playing pool with you". 

Courtesy of:http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Jokes-And-,Riddles/5605,http://www.agingfightback.com/Jokes.html
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Stop

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stop


Jokes

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Taking-Jokes-Seriously

http://ask.metafilter.com/101963/How-do-I-stop-being-the-butt-of-all-the-jokes

The Helpful WifeA male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Traffic Stop1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

Ten Things To Say
When A Cop Pulls You Over10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!

The Cop StopA cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

Pull Over!A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Courtesy of:http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/scanner/jokes/police/cops7.html

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Taking-Jokes-Seriously

http://ask.metafilter.com/101963/How-do-I-stop-being-the-butt-of-all-the-jokes

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)