Choice

                 Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2016

                 http://www.dictionary.com/browse/choice?
                 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choice
                 http://www.merriam-webster.com/choice
                https://www.betterhelp.com/online-therapy/


                          Jokes

Two Choices

            With the economy the way it is and John just getting laid off from his first job, he decided to go into service.  John went to the recruiting station.  He took some tests and was told by the recruiter he could go in either the Army or the Navy.  John asked the recruiters advice and was told.....

If you go in the Navy, you will be OK.  If you go in the Army, you have two choices.

You can go either into the infantry or the artillery.  If you go in the artillery you'll be OK but if you go in the infantry you have two choices.  You will either go to war or not go to war.

If you don't go to war, you'll be OK.  If you go to war, you have two choices.  You will either be in the front lines or the rear lines.  If your in the rear lines you'll be OK.  However, if your in the front lines, you have two choices.

You will either be shot or not shot.  If your not shot you'll be OK.  If your shot you'll have two choices.  Your either going to be injured or killed.

If your injured, you'll be OK.  If your killed you have two choices.  Your either going to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven you'll be OK.  If you go to hell you have two choices.  You will either go to the paper factory or the glue factory.

If you go to the glue factory you'll be OK.  If you go to the paper factory, you have two choices.  You will either become newspaper or toilet paper.

If you become newspaper you'll be OK.  If you become toilet paper you have two choices.  Your either going to be put in the men's room or the ladies room.

If you go in the men's room you'll be OK.  If you go in the ladies room you have two choices.

Making Choices While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator(that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

... "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."

TWO PRISONERS, TWO CHOICES

    Two explorers are flying over the Amazon. The Plane crashes and the local tribe captures them and takes them prisoner. The King brings the first prisoner in front of the whole tribe. He then asks "What do you choose, death or Bondo?"

    The prisoner says, "I choose Bondo, I don't want to die."

    The crowd chants, "BONDO, BONDO UBEO UBEO Then a huge, well-endowed man comes out and screws him and the guy screams.

    Meanwhile the other guy sees this. Then the king calls for the second prisoner. He comes out and says, "I saw what happened. I choose death."

    The Kings says, "No one has chosen death before. He looks at the crowd and asks how the prisoner should die."

    They shout "DEATH BY BONDO!"

Courtesy of:
http://www.amazingjokes.com/jokes/2009-05-10_two-choices.html
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Jokes-And-Riddles/1891753
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-sports/1z59dj/two-prisoners--two-choices




Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Boomerang

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 

  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/boomerang
  http://www.thefreedictionary.com/boomerang
  https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/boomeran
  http://about-boomerangs.com/the-cultural-importance-of-boomerangs
  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boomerang
  http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/boomerang
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boomerang
             

                                                        Jokes

  Have you found yourself a boomerang yet?
   Heard they are making a great comeback.

  I bought a new boomerang. 
   But i could not throw away my old one.

Courtesy of:
https://www.wattpad.com/91244188-jokes-comebacks-pick-up-lines-boomerang-joke
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1v6o8k/i_bought_a_new_boomerang
http://www.kappit.com/tag/boomerang-jokes





anks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Can I Speak ?

'

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2016

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/speak?

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/speak

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/speak

Speak Jokes

A  little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep." 
       
      Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!" 
       
      "There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf." 
       
      "No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. 

Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say. 

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

Courtesy of:

                              http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Prayer/Speak_Up.shtml          
                              http://www.ajokeaday.com/joke/marriage-jokes/what-d1gmarggbg

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Equality

    

                                            Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2016

                                                             equality
                            http://www.dictionary.com/browse/equality
                         http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/equality
         http://www.ed.ac.uk/equality-diversity/about/equality-diversity
                       http://www.equalitynow.org

                                                                       Jokes

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?

Visit the closest mental hospital.

What do you call a woman with PMS and ESP?

A bitch who really does know everything.

Why did God make Adam before Eve? 

Everyone needs a rough draft before they make the final copy.

If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.

What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"

A WOMAN in our drafting unit was promoted to supervisor, and some older male workers were having difficulty accepting her authority. While she instructed one such subordinate, he interrupted, "Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father." "And," she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor!"

MY JOB as a stockbroker requires that I call strangers on the telephone. One morning I dialed a pediatrician's office and, when a woman answered, I asked to speak to Dr. Brown. "I am the doctor," she said icily, and then proceeded to lecture me on outdated attitudes toward female professionals. Nevertheless, she let me give my sales presentation and then commented "That sounds interesting. Tell the broker I'd like to set up an appointment with him." There was silence, followed by laughter when I told her, "I am the broker."


  MODERN-DAY men try hard not to be chauvinistic -- like the judge during a recent jury selection.  Feelings were tense as my husband and the other prospective jurors filed into court. Finally the judge turned and addressed the first person, a pleasant-looking woman, and asked, "Is it Miss, Mrs. or Ms.?"  The woman broke the tension when she replied confidently, "It's Doctor."


A FRIEND of mine, with excellent credentials, applied for a high-level position with a leading firm. At the interview, however, after admitting that her resume was outstanding and her qualifications were exceptional, the firm's president turned her down, saying, "I prefer men." "So do I," she answered. "But what's your excuse?"

GENDER EQUALITY...well never be the same until when ladies write their names on walls with their urine

“Once The Game Is Over, The King And The Pawn Go Back In The Same Box” 
― Italian proverb

                                                      Courtesy of:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/melanie-berliet/2015/08/30-hilarious-female-empowering-jokes-that-will-make-you-happy-to-be-a-woman/

http://onelinefun.com/162/
http://www.becquet.ca/laughter/61.htm
http://www.taporibaba.com/2016/04/gender-equality-jokes.html
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/gender-equality






Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Brain

                                                  Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2016

        http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/riddles/hard_brain_teasers
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain
        http://www.braincanada.
        http://www.livescience.com/29365-human-brain.html
        https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/stress/

  Brain Jokes

       Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?

Because it wanted to have a high resting potential.

How did the mother know her son would become a neuroanatomist?

He was always staining things.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”

The German replies, “Nein, just one.” 

              

               

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. 

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

Courtesy Of:

http://www.stressmarq.com/top-10-neuroscience-jokes/?v=3e8d115eb4b3

http://www.rd.com/funny-stuff/clever-jokes

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elnpl/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Brain

                                                  Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2016

        http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/riddles/hard_brain_teasers
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain
        http://www.braincanada.
        http://www.livescience.com/29365-human-brain.html
                      


  Brain Jokes

       Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?

Because it wanted to have a high resting potential.

How did the mother know her son would become a neuroanatomist?

He was always staining things.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”

The German replies, “Nein, just one.” 

              

               

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. 

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

Courtesy Of:

http://www.stressmarq.com/top-10-neuroscience-jokes/?v=3e8d115eb4b3

http://www.rd.com/funny-stuff/clever-jokes

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elnpl/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Bored

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2014

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boredom
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/boredom
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/boredom
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boredom
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201209/what-is-boredom
http://www.fastcoexist.com/3022134/there-are-5-types-of-boredom-which-are-you-feeling
http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Boredom
http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/bored-to-death.htm

JOKES

Really Bored

Things you can do with absolutely nothing... Push your eyes for interesting light show: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this? See how long you can hold your breath: (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. Try to not think about polar bears: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway. Scratch yourself: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good? Hurt yourself: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain. Try to swallow your tongue: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible. Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes. Get yourself as nauseated as possible: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself"). Things you can do with very little: See what's in your neighbour's trash: (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR. Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way. Call up people who write editorials you disagree with: (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too. Make prank phone calls: (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations. Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you: (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know. Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!! Burn things with a magnifying glass: (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining. Things you can do with another person: Have a water drinking contest: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them. Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work? Have a "Who is less competitive" competition: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose. Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view: (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too. Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on. Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck: (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

Courtesy Of:
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/really_bored.asp


Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)