Blank

 

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blank

http://www.this-page-intentionally-left-blank.org

JOkes

blank v/s blank

Who would win in a fight... (Please think violently)

A Smurf or an Umpalumpa?

Bill Clinton or George W. Bush?

The Power Rangers or the Ninja Turtles?

The Kansas City Royals or the Houston Texans?

Dick Cheney or The whole Disney cartoon cast?

Sammy Sosa or Jose Canseco?

Spongebob or Patrick?

The Cast of C.S.I. Miami or the cast of C.S.I. New York?

Bart Simpson or Mick Jaggar?

Green day or the Beatles?

Gandhi or Rambo?

A delivery boy from Dominoes or Emril?

Your mom or your dad?

You and the Marines or your siblings and the army?

Starsky or Hutch?

Freddy or Jason?

A hobo with a pen or a hobo with two pencils?

A telemarketer or a door to door salesman?

The winner of Jeapordy or the winner of The Price is Right?

Adam Sandler or Mel Gibson?

A martain or Mike Tyson?

http://www.toddstrong.com/comedywriting/exaggeration.php

"Blank" walks into a bar jokes.

A duck walks into a bar, he says to the barman "got any bread?"

barman says "nah this is a pub we don't sell bread", the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next any "got any bread?" bar says"No I told you yesterday this is a pub we don't do bread"

Anyway this goes on for a week. On the last day the duck asks again"got any bread?" again the barman says"no this is a pub we don't do bread." As the duck is leaving the barman shouts after him"you come in asking for bread once more I'm gonna nail your beak tto the bar!"

The next day the duck walks into the bar again. "we got any nails mate?" he asks the barman.

The barman replies "no" looking confused.

The duck says "good, have you got any bread then?"

A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?" 

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

"Behold, I Come Quickly"

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try."Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.He tried one more time - speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.The young preacher apologized profusely. "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"

At A Loss For Words

A few minutes into the new preacher's first sermon, his mind went totally blank. Suddenly, he remembered some advice he received when a similar situation arose while he was in seminary school - repeat your last point. Doing this will often help you remember what comes next. So, he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said, but his mind was still blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with such vehemence that he tripped over the wire of his mircrophone and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a frail old woman seated in the front row.
Embarrassed, the nervous preacher attempted to apologize, but the old lady replied, "That's quite all right, young man. It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. After all, you did tell me three times that you were coming!"

Blank Signboard

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: "I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."

Courtesy of:

http://www.theforumsite.com/forum/topic/-quot-Blank-quot-walks-into-a-bar-jokes-/29975

www.funny.com

 http://www.jokebuddha.com

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Arrested

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrest

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/arrest

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2010/06/29/f-morton-faq-arrest-rights.html

http://www.torontopolice.on.ca/whenstopped

http://www.parl.gc.ca/About/Parliament/LegislativeSummaries/bills_ls.asp?Language=E&ls=c26&Parl=41&Ses=1&source=library_prb

http://www.irwinlaw.com/store/product/655/detention-and-arrest

JOkes

Too much speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

I just needed to use your car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

A staged wedding to bust dealers

As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

Huge criminal record

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 10, 1993Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne's arrest record.

You are under arrest!

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!".
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."
The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
"Well!" retorted the police chief.
He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...
"Making an obscene clone fall..."

FBI, CIA and LAPD hunting rabbits

For years now the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD have all been arguing about their incredible arrest records and solved cases. Each claiming to be better than the others. Finally, the president hears about this nonsense argument and takes the top officers of each branch out to the woods. There, the president releases a rabbit. He tells the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD that that is their suspect, and the first to arrest it is the victor.
So the FBI goes out into the forest and plants a bunch of animal informants all over the woods trying to locate this rabbit. After weeks of investigations and tips from forest critters, the FBI can't turn up anything on this alleged rabbit.
With that the CIA goes out into the forest to look for the rabbit. Unable to locate the suspect the CIA claims that there never was a rabbit in the first place and burns down the forest to cover it up.
Finally, the LAPD goes off into the smoldering woods and comes out less than five minutes later with a badly beaten bear screaming, " OK, OK! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!!!"

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/mar035.html

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Arrest

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Intelligence

 Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligence

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/intelligence

http://www.csis-scrs.gc.ca/index-eng.asp

https://www.cia.gov

JOkes

What is intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

True stupid stories 01

Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Oona, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. 

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. ASST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another ASST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Mega moron awards

MEGA MORON AWARDS 

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. 

Attempts by the dumb

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995

Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could as the source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." 

Courtesy of:http://www.ahajokes.com/dum08.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Treatment

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treatment

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/treatment

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/treatment

http://www.treatment.com

 https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/psychologists/what-is-the-difference-between-a-therapist-and-a-psychologist/

JOkes

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

Courtesy of:http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80477905

http://www.workjoke.com/psychologists-and-psychiatrists-jokes.html

            

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)