Wrong

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wrong
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wrong
http://thesaurus.com/browse/wrong

JOkes
Plain Wrong Jokes

I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying. Jeff, St Kilda I was having sex with a heavily pregnant woman last night when she shouted, "the babies coming!" "The kinky little bastard," I replied. Mark, Surrey Hills Jokes that are just plain ...wrong.

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." 

On his death bed John O'Malley a stalwart protestant all his life called for his beloved wife Margret. "Maggie, I need ya to do me one last thing before I go off to see me maker..." "Anything John, what is it?" "You have to get a priest front he catholic church and have him convert me." "But John, you've been a protestant all your life. You hate the catholics why on earth would you want your last act in this world to be that?" "I'd rather see one of them die than one of ours!"
John gets a call from his blond girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the corn flakes back in the box."

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" 











Courtesy of:http://www.bbmlive.com/jokes/plain-wrong-jokes.html
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/archive/index.php/t-47809.html
Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Quiet

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/quiet

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/quiet

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/quiet

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quiet

http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com

JOkes

Shhhhh!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Time for the wedding

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer," the man began, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Assassin Interview

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife." The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

CIA job interviews

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "The darn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" 
QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" 

Keep Quiet Joke

“You don’t look old at all,” I assured my 40 year old friend, who was going through a middle age crisis. I didn’t notice my 6 year old next to me, until he piped up “Well, parts of her do.”

Courtesy of:http://www.jokebuddha.com/Quiet#ixzz296ubF8MQ andhttp://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/quietandloudsexjoke.html
http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/2400/keep-quiet-joke/#ixzz2974SFuyc

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Please remember ...it is in all good fun:)

Modus Operandi

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

 Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modus_operandi

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/modus%20operandi

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/modus+operandi

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/modus+operandi

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/modus_operandi

JOkes

Student Nurse How is the modus operandi of a cowardly, nynmphomanical student.

How is the modus operandi of a cowardly, nynmphomanical student nurse in a mental ward like part of a hardware store?

She screws nuts and bolts! 

It is the curse of a certain order of mind, that it can never rest satisfied with the consciousness of its ability to do a thing. Still less is it content with doing it. It must both know and show how it was done.

Edgar Allan Poe

Courtesy of :http://www.funny-jokes-jokes.com/other-jokes/how-is-the-modus-operandi-of-a-cowardly-nynmphomanical-student.htm

http://quotes.dictionary.com/search/modus+operandi#rRQ2zu79ZRrwcov8.99

 Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Grow-up

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2012

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/grow+up

http://www.wikihow.com/Grow-Up

http://kidshealth.org/kid/grow

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/grow_up

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201204/how-grow

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. ~Paula Poundstone

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down, and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet, instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps sometimes between noon and 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you’re female, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list,looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry OLD butt.

Courtesy of:http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/25-signs-that-you-have-grown-up-joke-about-growing-up.html

Thanks to:.to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)