Things

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

In ode to Canada Day and other things....

I am Canadian
free to speak without fear,
free to worship in my own way,
free to stand for what I think right,
free to oppose what I believe wrong,
or free to choose those who shall govern my country.
This heritage of freedom
I pledge to uphold
for myself and all mankind.
(Extract from the Canadian Billl of Rights)

http://members.shaw.ca/kcic1/canisms.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
http://www.101things.ca/ http://1000awesomethings.com/ http://www.thingsmagazine.net/ http://www.thingsthegame.com/  

JOkes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary
were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog."

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Order a side of pork rinds with your Fillet Mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

don't use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of some one's road maps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over some one's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.



Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact..

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:
You wake up face down on the pavement

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then realize that you don't have a water bed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway

You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat

You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose

Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"

You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.

You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week



Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place by putting a smile on someones face:)

Courtesy of www.lifeisajoke.com,thejokeyard.com,and www.jokesnjokes.net

Give me a break.

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Break
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bone
http://kidshealth.org/kid/htbw/bones.html
http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/circulatory/heart.htm
http://www.heartandstroke.com/site/c.ikIQLcMWJtE/b.4466147/k.69A5/Select_Your_Province.htm

JOkes
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes
your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it
free in the first place . . . You married it.

If you were my boyfriend I'd put arsenic in your tea

And if I was your boyfriend I'd drink it!

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

WOMAN WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.


A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a

fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost
everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster,
champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your
Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid,
either."

Q: What did the skeleton say when his brother told a lie?

A: You can't fool me, I can see right through you.

Q: Why are skeletons usually so calm ?

A: Nothing gets under their skin !

Q: What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish ?

A: It came back with a skeleton crew !

Broken Bones
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

Thank you to all those who contributed all these these jokes, and for making the world a little better place.by putting a smile on someones face:)

Courtesy of www. gotabreakup.com, www.ebaumsworld.com
2001-2008 copyright.funmunch.com

Brain

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_brain
http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/nervous-system/brain.htm
http://brain.oxfordjournals.org/
http://kidshealth.org/kid/htbw/brain.html
http://www.med.harvard.edu/AANLIB/home.html

JOkes
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."


Courtesy of Ahajokes.com,and www.about.com.

Diplomacy

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

Diplomats don't have to understand something to tell you about it.

                                 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diplomacy

JOkes
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,

"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"


A Diplomat is a person who...


always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about
what he knows.
always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
can always make himself misunderstood.
can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a
floor-length sable.
can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather
than in a taxi.
can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
can make nothing sound like something.
can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to
stand on.
can put his foot down without stepping on some one's toes.
can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole
in his head.
can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward
to the trip.
comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
knows how far to go before he goes too far.
lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her
how nice the gown looks on her.
puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
will approach every question with an open mouth.
will lay down your life for his country.
will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might
eliminate him.

Use Diplomacy

One summer, an old professor got a job on the railway as a steward. On his first day, he was accompanied by another steward to learn the ropes. "The job is really quite simple," said his tutor, "just remember to use diplomacy."
"What to you mean by diplomacy?" asked the professor, since that was something he'd never needed while teaching. The steward-in-charge replied, "Watch me and I'll show you."
They proceeded down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with their keys and offering tea or coffee. When the steward-in-charge flung open one door, before him stood a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid, he calmly asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
The startled woman took a cup of coffee and he closed the door.
"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She didn't have a stitch of clothing on! But, why did you call her 'sir'?"
"That's diplomacy!" explained his tutor. "I didn't want to embarrass her."
The old professor was very impressed with his teacher.
The following day, working on his own, the old professor flung open a compartment door and found a couple making love on the bed.
Remaining calm, he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
"Tea," replied the man.
"And for your brother?"





Courtesy of www.antion..com,www.miteshasher.blogspot.com,and www.getamused.com

Weather

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather

http://www.theweathernetwork.com/

http://www.weather.com/

http://www.spaceweather.com/

http://www.weather.com/common/welcomepage/world.html

http://www.internationalweather.net/

JOkes

What person adds best in hot weather? A summer.

     What is a Mexican weather report? Chilli today, hot tamale.

Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody believes? The weatherman.

Gosh, it”s raining cats and dogs, said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. “I know,” said his mother. “I’ve just stepped in a poodle!”
 
There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.
 What do clouds want to be when they grow up? -Thunderstorms


In the summer desert heat, what did a dust devil say to the over-talkative dust devil? -You are really blowing a lot of hot air

A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane. The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, “Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas”.

Why did the tornado get arrested? -For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder
 
Where is a tornado put in jail to be punished? -In a high pressure cell What type of music do lightning bolts listen to? -Rock and Roll

Courtesy of  www.free-funny-jokes.com

Responsible

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/responsible

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/responsible

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/responsible

JOkes

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

At about 8:30 this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of illegal drugs he was wearing on his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And, being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/ and http://www.ebaumorld.com/

Faults

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

" Wow does that mean i can blame someone ? "
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fault
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fault_(geology)
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fault
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/fault


JOkes
A man is digging a hole at the same time that his friend is covering up the same hole. And thus they spend the day, one digs and the other one covers up. Curious, a passerby who can no longer keep quiet watching the surrealist scene, approaches the two men and asks, "Gentlemen, what exactly does this mean?"

"Well, we're working," one of them answers.
"And are you positive there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"
"Well, if there is something wrong here, it's Joaquim's fault. He didn't show up today."
"And who's Joaquim?" asks the passerby.

"He is the guy who sows the seed."



SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.


FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.


FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.


FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Courtesy of Crocjokes.com and fun4biz.com

Transfer Funds

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

                                                                                                  James Holt Mcgavran

In this day and age who says one marries for love. Some may marry for the money. Nothing wrong with this equation as long as both partners agree to the contract for what they are getting into. I n contrast it does stray away from the actual reason for marriage to join two people in a union. Some may argue to disagree. For reality sake..it is up to each individual on how they perceive marriage.
A traditional ceremony for some.Simple ceremony for others.
Or for keepsake an arranged marriage can mean union between families.
There are many forms of marriage;common -law,and civil union,and same sex marriage.
In my own observation ,marriage is not as simple as one would like to believe. Society expecting many to marry to have a purpose to reproduce and have a family. Nowadays there are different ways one can have a family ,abound from what society expects or defines what marriage and family conceived to be.
Marriage not change the electronic banking anytime soon.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_funds_transfer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_Fund_Transfer_Act
http://searchwinit.techtarget.com/definition/Electronic-Funds-Transfer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_funds_transfer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transfer
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/funds
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage
http://marriage.about.com/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
http://www.equal-marriage.ca/


Jokes

Revenge by Marriage.
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

How have times changed?
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

A very desperate marriage.
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"

Like Father, Like Husband?
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.


Murphy's Laws
o When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

o The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

 o The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

 o You never want the one you can afford. o Never ask the barber if ...

o Trust everybody... then cut the cards.

o Two wrongs are only the beginning.

o If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

o To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

o Exceptions prove the rule... and wreck the budget.

o Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

o Quality assurance doesn't.

o The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really

know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

o Exceptions always outnumber rules.

o To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

o No one is listening until you make a mistake.

o He who hesitates is probably right.

o The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

o If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

o One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

o A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

o The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the

bread.

o The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

o When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two

weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

o The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

o The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

o You never want the one you can afford.

o Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good

price.

o If it says, "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.

o You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

o The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

o Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three

weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

o When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,

while all other coins will roll out of sight.

o The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

o Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.

o Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

o Interchangeable parts won't.

o No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

o If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

o Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of

incompetence.

o Progress is made on alternative Fridays.

o No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in

session.

o The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

o As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters

turbulence.

o For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

o People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of

them being made.

o A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

o When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be

illegible.

o A free agent is anything but.

o The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

o Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

o The one item you want is never the one on sale.

o The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your

keys.

o If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be

unreasonable.



 


Courtesy Ahajokes.com ,www.jokebuddha.coand Abundance and Happiness.com

Dating Service

Copyright Lucy Drmuonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_dating_service

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7vWi8sosg4
http://www.squidoo.com/romanceandchat#module9645041


Jokes


Shortly after a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation.


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"


55 Ways To Get Rid of a Bad Date
1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5.Repeat every third third word you say say.


6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.


7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.


8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.


9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.


10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.


11.Order a bucket of lard.


12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.


13.Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.


14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.


15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.


16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.


17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.


18.Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.


19.Drool.


20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.


21.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.


22.Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"


23.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.


24.Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.


25.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.


26.Ask your date how much money they have with them.


27.Order for your date. Order something nasty.


28.Communicate in mime the entire evening.


29.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.


30.Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.


31.Hum. Loudly. In monotone.


32.Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.


33.Hold a debate. Take both sides.


34.Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.


35.Auction your date off for silverware.


36.Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.


37.Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.


38.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.


39.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.


40.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.


41.Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).


42.Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.


43.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.


44.Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.


45.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.


46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.


47.Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.


48.Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.


49. Accuse your date of espionage.


50.Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.


51.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.


52.Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.


53.Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.


54.Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.


55.Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

 Courtesy of squidoo.com and Deeplake.com

Love and Money

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

There are never guarantees of finding love and money to pure happiness.

As some would say...depending on how much money would make one content?
Does money buy love?

Not long ago did i think love was suppose to be simple yet complicated, but putting money into the mix was just as confusing.
Money was and still is a concern of problems to many families. It is a balancing act for parents who have to contend with their own wants  of their children.
As to say in today's day in age all about not just focusing on your own financial priories,but if you have a family it all coming down to balancing just like any other issue in ones life.
If your single one advantage learn to manage the money on your own and focus on your own needs.
I guess that goes for every individual... love and money are not similar yet must learn to work together.

Money cannot buy you love, sure give you temporary happiness.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_and_Money
http://www.blogthings.com/wouldyouchooseloveormoneyquiz/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1394900/Money-really-buy-love-Lottery-winner-2-5m-bank--share-with.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
http://beginnersinvest.about.com/cs/personalfinance1/a/061001a.htm
http://blogues.desjardins.com/jeanremydeschenes-en/2011/05/love-and-money-a-users-guide.php

Jokes

One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS, that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL! He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER moved through her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she squeezed his GOOBERS and made his MR. PEANUT brittle. "That's GOOD N' PLENTY," MARY JANE said. "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" Soon she was more than a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had BABY RUTH.



A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"


A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Courtesy of Deeplake.com



 

Advocate for Suicide.

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011 and BadBanana.

                          
Who loves talking about suicide? I like to think no one actually does,except if you are a grief counsellor or involved in the cognitive or medical field. According to CBC article by Richard Handler there are over 1 million suicides happening all over the world ,and 3,500 people in Canada.
Well, i spoke to having hope for depression in one of my posts.
This time i am actually focusing on suicide.
The topic is close to my heart having family member ,and friends pass away.
I had to learn to cope with the grief and pain of what suicidal experiences had done to me.

The incredible loss I constantly felt on and off.
To know that this was a possibilty that these feelings would never go away.
Many times i had contemplated what would happen if i thought about going into this path.
Would this also help me escape my pain of living life?
Who would i hurt,betray,and alienate?
Would it solve my problem ?
I would think i would not be a burden to anyone anymore.

I found very interesting in reading Mr. Handler's article was the unique idea that suicide was considered a "savage estrangement." A suggested by Mr.Handler a unique loneliness.
Interesting, one would think that telling anyone about how or what they were going to do was a call for attention? Apparently it goes to suggest the person's suicidal act is much to belong to a movement or future afterlife.
Other Richard Handler discusses is called the "solitary suicide ";whereby one feels burdened by oneself or to other people.
Dismantling the myth that suicide is a selfish act. The act can be defined as the prison inside oneself.
Not one would say they would like to survive the outcome of their act ,but also it illustrates the courage to face the fear of death itself.

In conclusion suicide is a overwhelming feeling of isolation that the only act to lesson the burden of pain towards oneself .Hopefully finding some relief or peace whereby the individual was not able to attain while living their life.
As i sit here put my thoughts, it help me clarify certain myths of suicide. Dealing with my own anger,horror,and grief over the years to losing a family member,and friends i was trying to comprehend how i was feeling. Asking the self i had a choice to go into this direction if i really wanted to end my life.
As i dwelled on these thoughts ,i had to consider that life is worth living ,and yes challenging at times.
Telling myself not to give up. I could not allow my sense of  current isolation to continue to effect my direction to move towards a more positive look at life.
Like many, i was also afraid to reach out. I decided to make that choice to pick up the phone, and ask for help or continue to suffer.
Whether it was calling a friend,a distress centre,or going to a nearby hospital there is always someone there to listen or help.
Today , i am speaking for those who feel suicidal.
Learn to ask for help.One ought not be afraid to pick up the phone and reach out to someone with a compassionate ear.
A friend mentioned to me once, never know what  might be around the corner in your life.

Article "Suicide is not painless" by Richard Handler Courtesy of CBC .CA

More links and information feel free to click below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide
http://www.medicinenet.com/suicide/article.htm
http://suicideinfo.ca/
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-101-102
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2010/10/12/f-vp-handler.html
http://ncsponline.org/takefive.html
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/#diversity
http://www.unveilingthestigma.com/
http://www.grieftalk4u.com/
http://www.mooddisorders.ca/
http://www.gersteincentre.org/
http://www.camh.net/

Joke

A woman, fair of face and long of leg is standing on the G.W. Bridge
preparing to jump. "Life is no good to me!", she thinks and steels herself
for the rush of air as she plummets to her doom.
Just then, a merchant-marine shows up, screeches to a halt and hops out of
his car. "What are you doing?", he asks. She responds by saying, "Life is
awful - I'm going to end it all!"
With a look of sincerest pity, the marine says, "Listen, don't jump. I'm
about to be shipped out to the Mediterranean. Why don't you come along with
me. I'll stow you away on the ship, and when we get to the other side of
the ocean, I'll give you a little money to get started - you can start a
whole new life! All I ask in return is gratuitous sex on the trip over."
The woman considers this, thinking "A new life! - for a little sex?" Not
only would she get a new life out of the deal, but the marine IS kinda
handsome - sex won't be so bad at all.
"OK", she agreed. And with that, the marine took her to the ship and they
left port - she, stowed-away under a lifeboat.
Every day, the marine would bring her food and water and she would perform
the gratuitous sex. Everything was great. But about 10 days into the
journey across the sea, the ship's captain was walking the deck when he
heard a noise from under the lifeboat. Looking under it, he found the
beautiful woman.
"What are you doing here?", asked the captain.
"I'm sorry sir," she cried, "I'm a stow-away traveling to Europe to start
new life. I didn't mean to make a fool of you by hiding aboard your ship."
"Me?" the captain asked. "What about you?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.

To which the captain said, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?


Courtesy of Chaostime.com and thejokeyard.com

Dating

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

All in the fun of Dating!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bargaining
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating

Jokes

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him at the restaurant so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."


"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"


Yeah, my boyfriend and I just split up. I finally faced up to the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Gemini and he's an asshole."


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.


Courtesy of Joke-archives.com and bitoffun.com

Judgement

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgement
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_(law)
http://www.paulgraham.com/judgement.html
http:/http://judgementday2011.com/


A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss that soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those . . .," Satan groaned. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."




9 THINGS GOD WON'T ASK on that judgment day...



1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove; He'll ask how many

people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how

many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll

ask how many you helped to clothe.

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was; He'll ask if you

compromised your character to obtain it, and performed your job to the

best of your ability.

5. God won't ask how many friends you had; He'll ask how many

people to whom you were a friend.

6. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how

you treated your neighbors.

7. God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about

the content of your character.

8. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation;

He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of

Hell.

9.God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to.

He already knows whether you will or not.


Courtesy of Funnycity.com

Boobs

Copyright Lucy Drumonde 2011.

I believe your boobs are about to cause some sort of catastrophe to my eyes.
Unless it is am automatic accident you cannot resist, and just taking you by distraction.
Then again what can you say about boobs?
The article in Mashable  by Jen Mceight aim to prove '' Do boobs cause earthquakes? "
I a m sure Jen apologized in her article , for what stated as a joke for her.
How can we take this so seriously?
I have to agree her article does bring a interesting debate.
The female breast is a marvel. As well as a overrated and exploited to no end to meet the cardinal satisfaction of many.
Never heard of a female boob could create earthquakes,of course to me it has the making of a good joke.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast
http://www.oddee.com/item_96989.aspx
http://www.blaghag.com/2010/04/quick-clarification-about-boobquake.html

Jokes

Define: doggie bra.

It can make pointers out of setters.


What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that

a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.


Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package

and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz,"Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad
you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally,"Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods
cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I
couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some
dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good
pair of hooters."


A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her

right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block
away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks
like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got
closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said,
"Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" the woman asked.
"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of
your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness!
I left the baby on the bus!"

Courtesy of Boobdoc.com